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AWA Attempt: 4/10

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Intern
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Joined: 05 Oct 2013
Posts: 14
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Kudos [?]: 1 [0], given: 1

AWA Attempt: 4/10 [#permalink] New post 20 Oct 2013, 10:37
I gave platinum gmat test and unfortunately the AWA that came is not even in the official list - so I do not have the problem statement

GMATAWA: 5.42
Findscore: 5

It seems both of these software have served their purpose as I am getting similar scores in all my tests. Only question is if the structure and writing is good enough for the GMAT?

The recent surge in violence in the southern part of the city is a result of a shortage of police officers and an absence of leadership on the part of the city council. In order to rectify the burgeoning growth of crime that threatens the community, the city council must address this issue seriously. Instead of spending time on peripheral issues such as education quality, community vitality, and job opportunity, the city council must realize that the crime issue is serious and double the police force, even if this action requires budget cuts from other city programs.

The editorial claims that police force needs to be doubled to rectify growth of crime. It further suggests that, if required, time and money should not be spent on the issues like education quality, community vitality, and job opportunity. The argument is weak, and logically inconsistent. To strengthen the argument, the author should address the issues discussed further.

First of all, the argument assumes that the rise in violence is due to shortage of police officers and an absence of leadership. The author ignores to explain why violence is taking place in the first place and are there some fundamental reasons that needs to be addressed to reduce violence. It is very naive of the author to blame increase in violence on shortage of police force as well as the leadership of city council, ignoring the actual reasons behind the violence. Without any substantial background information, this assumption cannot be taken on the face value. The author fails to back up his claims with any statistical data or information. While it can be assumed that increase in police force can reduce violence, but it is not necessary that the increase in force will be able to solve the fundamental problems.

Finally, the author also suggests that the city will be better-off by diverting funds from community building exercises. This is a critical flaw in the argument and ignores the positive side of such activities. For any society to work cohesively, it is important that issues like education and job opportunities are given due importance. Moreover, it is possible that city council could be focusing more on fundamental issues, like education quality, community vitality and job opportunities, in the southern areas of the city to tackle the problem of growing crimes. Without any data that can prove that such activities are not at all happening in the affected areas or are having no impact on decrease in crime rate, it will be incorrect to draw conclusions as suggested by the author.

In conclusion, the argument is critically flawed and incorrect. To strengthen the argument, the author should address the issues raised above by providing factual examples and data to support his claims. The suggestion of increasing police force can make some sense but it should not be done at the cost of decrease in social activities.
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Joined: 15 Apr 2013
Posts: 61
Concentration: Human Resources, International Business
GMAT 1: 570 Q44 V25
GPA: 3
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Kudos [?]: 20 [0], given: 43

Re: AWA Attempt: 4/10 [#permalink] New post 20 Oct 2013, 11:22
Dear lahotis,

I feel, based on the feedback I've got on my 6 essays so far and research, the essay must be at least 500 words. This is a major factor that you need to take care of. Although the paraphrasing and grammar is good but GMAT requires a basic structure of 1 paragraph for intro, 3 body paragraphs (evaluating 3 separate points) and one conclusion, so 5 paragraphs in all. There are a lot of templates available in this forum as well.

I appreciate the points you've attacked in this one as well though.

The only thing is, an essay which does not meet requirement of minimum 500 words and 5 paragraph structure does not get an above average score. Looking at what you've attempted, it should not be a difficult task for you to meet these requirements. You just need to get in the groove.

Again, I am just sharing my opinion based on the feedback I've got so far.

Hope it helps!

Good luck!! :)
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Re: AWA Attempt: 4/10 [#permalink] New post 20 Oct 2013, 20:40
Thanks;

Ok i thought it was around 400 odd is ok for 4.5+. In most I find 3rd point a bit interlinked with one of the other two and I sort of, in most cases, combine that in the 1st paragraph which I will try separating. But the issue I generally feel is that it becomes sort of repetitive..

Let me try a few more..

KanupriyaS wrote:
Dear lahotis,

I feel, based on the feedback I've got on my 6 essays so far and research, the essay must be at least 500 words. This is a major factor that you need to take care of. Although the paraphrasing and grammar is good but GMAT requires a basic structure of 1 paragraph for intro, 3 body paragraphs (evaluating 3 separate points) and one conclusion, so 5 paragraphs in all. There are a lot of templates available in this forum as well.

I appreciate the points you've attacked in this one as well though.

The only thing is, an essay which does not meet requirement of minimum 500 words and 5 paragraph structure does not get an above average score. Looking at what you've attempted, it should not be a difficult task for you to meet these requirements. You just need to get in the groove.

Again, I am just sharing my opinion based on the feedback I've got so far.

Hope it helps!

Good luck!! :)
Re: AWA Attempt: 4/10   [#permalink] 20 Oct 2013, 20:40
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