Joined: 04 Apr 2013
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AWA eassy - provide feedback [#permalink]
04 May 2013, 16:56
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I have gone through the posts about AWA template and this is my first AWA essay which is part of GMATPrep 2nd test. I did run out of time towards the end, so have to cut short on the fourth paragraph.
Can someone help in rating this or provide feedback on any huge mistakes I did.
"In general, people are not as concerned as they were a decade ago about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses. Walk into Heart's Delight, a store that started selling organic fruits and vegetables and whole-grain flours in the 1960's, and you will also find a wide selection of cheeses made with high butterfat content. Next door, the owners of the Good Earth Cafe, an old vegetarian restaurant, are still making a modest living, but the owners of the new House of Beef across the street are millionaires."
The argument claims that in general, people are not as concerned about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses as they were a decade ago by citing examples of the Heart's Delight store and the owners of the House of Beef restarurant. It states that Hear'ts delight store that started selling organic fruits and vegetables and whole-gran flours in the 1960's is also selling a wide selection of cheeses made with high butterfat content. The owners of the new House of Beef restaurant are millinarires now where as the owners of the Good Earth Cafe, an old vegetarian restaurant are still making a modest living. Stated this way, the argument fails to provide enough correlation between the evidence and conclusion. Argument fails to explore the other reasons behind the situation of the two examples provided to support the argument. Therefore, the argument is reather weak, unconvincing and seems flawed.
Firstly, argument cites the examples of Heart's Delight store, which started selling organic fruits and vegetables and whole-grains almost half a century ago is also selling selection of cheeses made with high butterfat content to conculde that people are not as concernced with intake of fatty cheeses now as they were a decade ago. However, argument doesn't evaluate on what percentage of the cheese products the store carries are of high butterfat content. It also fails to consider on how are the sales of cheeses with high butterfat content as compared to the other products that Heart's Delight store carries. It is possible that Hear'ts Delight store sells more of other products like fruits & vegetables and other lower fat cheeses compared to the high content butterfat cheeses. These cheeses could be organic and people might be buying the high butterfat cheeses for children, who are recommended to have more fat compared to adults.
Secondly the examples that the owners of the new House of Beef across the street are millionaires now where as the owners of the Good Earch Cafe, an old vegetarian restaurant are still making a modest living is seriously flawed. The argument clearly misses to verify the facts in this case and does not provide enough evidence to support the claim. Argument fails to consider on who are the sales of the House of Beef comapred to the Good Earth cafe. It is possible that the owners of the House of Beef restarurant might also own other businesses, jobs through which they would have made most of their fortune. This argument, doesn't clearly investigate all the possible ways of how the House of Beef owners became millionaires.
Additionally, if the argument can provide more details on the sales figures of the high butterfact cheeses at the Good Earth Cafe and sales of House of Beef and other evidence to support the claim, argument would be much stronger.
In conclusion, the examples provided within the argument fails to provide enough evidence, clearly investiage the circumstances of the businesses invloved to support the claim that people are not as concered as they were a decade ago about regulating their intake of red meat and fatty cheeses.