AWA-one topic from mba- please help revise
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05 Sep 2015, 22:27
Dear all,
I wrote an essay followed the strictly timeline of GMAC 30 minutes, the topic is from MBA site.
Please would the GMAT experts here kindly revise the following writing and suggest some room for improvement.
I also confused if it is all right to give a whole new suggestion/solution for the issue based on my own perspective in the conclusion part. Somehow, I see it's not right?
Question:
The following appeared in the editorial section of a monthly business news magazine:
"Most companies would agree that as the risk of physical injury occurring on the job increases, the wages paid to employees should also increase. Hence it makes financial sense for employers to make the workplace safer: they could thus reduce their payroll expenses and save money."
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion.
You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.
Answer: You can find the standard writing sample on mba's site. Apologies, I could not post it directly here. This is my first post on GMATClub's site.
My essay
The argument highlights the perspective that employers can reduce their payroll expenses to employee by making the workplace safer. In financial term, it generally means employer can reduce the cost and hence increase the business profit. Nevertheless, this argument might not taken into the fact of the actual costs occurred when improving the system of work. For example, designing a high technology to cover the risk when human being is in the outer space, it is tremendous. Or, improving the oil drilling system so that workers are safer, it requires a huge amount of money. Therefore, paying to improve the workplace safer is a positive idea which is only applicable to the suitable sectors and it cannot be always practical.
Generally, if the workplace can generate physical injury for workers, it include fields such as mining, oil extraction, construction site, archaeology, or extreme sport and so on. As stated, the danger in these type of works can never be minimized. It is necessary to pay the employees higher due to their will to deal with the nature of their work. In addition, working in these conditions also requires specific skills which need to be trained. Therefore, a higher payroll for these skills is fair.
Nevertheless, there are still numerous site where workers are paid under the minimum wage. In developing countries such as India or Africa, miners are risking their life for an extremely low wage which might cost up to US$1-US$2 per day. And certainly, there is no safety standard and procedure can cover enough the risk of their working environment. Situations like this happened around the world without being reported, especially with countries suffered in poverty. This goes beyond the matter of fairness, it is a moral of humanity. Commercial companies should not consider their bottom line as the one single value for the company, other values regarding to their staffs-the people who produce the results are much important, too.
In summary, companies can have a separate fund regarding employee's issue. It is a dividend from the profit of company per year which is generated by the employees. The more they do better, the more money in the fund they have. This fund should be divided into an account which is allocated for training employee regarding safety procedure and improving their life skills. Another tranche of the fund can be used to solve issues reported from the line managers, these issues should be relevant to safety and or improving the working system of the company. Another amount of the fund is an extra expense which is payable to the employee annually; it is also payable to the excellent employee of the year who can create a solution or do something better for everyone.