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Can you rate my essay ?

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Can you rate my essay ? [#permalink] New post 30 Dec 2013, 05:22
Some people think that governments should spend as much money
as possible on developing or buying computer technology. Other
people disagree and think that this money should be spent on more
basic needs. Which one of these opinions do you agree with? Use
specific reasons and details to support your answer.


Technology has been used in every sector since industry revolution. In 1970s, computer technology has been started to spread the entire world. So, technology is rather important for people. Governments have to think the best things for their people. In this respect, governments spend more money so as to buying computer technology. Computer technology has been used in recent days. That eases people’s life. There are several reasons to this. Among these reasons, we can consider cost-efficiency factor, speed factor and easy to use.
To being with, cost-efficiency factor is quite important factor to buy computer technology. Computers can reduce costs of anything. To exemplify, should government officials buy computers for ministries, they can decline costs. That is to say, they can lay off workers. Therefore, they can save great deal of money. This can lead to increasing government budget.
What is more, we can analyze speed factor. Computers are faster than anything. Computers can great deal of works at the same time. To illustrate, in my country, governments decided that they can buy a lot of computer. Once officials use computers, they can do jobs faster. This can prevent loss of time.
Finally, computers can be used easily. When computer users learn how to use computers, they can wield computers easily. Therefore, governments have to prefer buying computer technology. For instance, my uncle who is an engineer in Ministry of Urban Development could not have computer technology to measure road structure. So, his job was very hard. However, when government bought computer technology about this job, my uncle could measure road structure easily.
Based on what has been discussed above, we may arrive at the conclusion that governments prefer to buy computer technology.
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Re: Can you rate my essay ? [#permalink] New post 30 Dec 2013, 06:51
Expert's post
Is good but is too fragment in its construction.

the phrases are too short and simple though the overall structure is good

The last paragraph

Quote:
Finally, computers can be used easily. When computer users learn how to use computers, they can wield computers easily. Therefore, governments have to prefer buying computer technology. For instance, my uncle who is an engineer in Ministry of Urban Development could not have computer technology to measure road structure. So, his job was very hard. However, when government bought computer technology about this job, my uncle could measure road structure easily.


Therefore signs a conclusion BUT then you write: for instance and a counter point: however...........

look at this for a 5 essay grade

http://www.ets.org/Media/Tests/TOEFL/pd ... ponses.pdf
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KUDOS is the good manner to help the entire community.

Re: Can you rate my essay ?   [#permalink] 30 Dec 2013, 06:51
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