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Could someone please rate my essay? Thanks!

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Could someone please rate my essay? Thanks! [#permalink] New post 10 Nov 2013, 22:25
Hello everybody.

I'm taking the test this week and just did my first practice AWA. I'm not an English native speaker, so please don't hesitate to shred my essay if needed.
I appreciate all possible feedback!!

The following appeared in an Excelsior Company memorandum.

"The Excelsior Company plans to introduce its own brand of coffee. Since coffee is an expensive food item, and since there are already many established brands of coffee, the best way to gain customers for the Excelsior brand is to do what Superior, the leading coffee company, did when it introduced the newest brand in its line of coffees: conduct a temporary sales promotion that offers free samples, price reductions, and discount coupons for the new brand."


The argument by The Excelsior Company states that its soon-to-launch coffee brand will be succesful in gaining market share by copying the sales promotion techniques used by Superior, the leading coffee company. This argument relies on several premises, which may have applied for Superior but that will not necessarily apply for The Excelsior Company.

First of all, the time of entry into market is a critical point for discussion. Superior may have been a pioneer in the region for selling coffee and therefore, by having few or no competitors, could have secured a solid clientele base due to this particular differentiation. As the wise saying states "he who strikes first, strikes twice", this point suggests that a company first to enter a market has the benefit of having a long-lasting impact.

Another issue that the argument does not take into consideration is the overall quality of the coffee. To the naked eye it may seem that the success of Superior was its marketing stategy, when in fact what attracted people could have been the great taste and aroma of the product. Numerous field studies have concluded that a company's market position, regardless of its promotion schemes, can quickly lose power if its quality does not meet the standards of its target segment.

Finally, distribution is a crucial element when launching a product. Superior is part of a business conglomerate that owns the largest grocery store chain in the country. This characteristic allowed Superior both the opportunity to introduce its coffee brand and to assure exclusivity in over 5000 points of sale. If The Excelsior Company lacks a well-defined distribution plan with numerous secured sales locations, all of its marketing efforts could be just a waste of time and money.

Clearly, the argument by The Excelsior Company only takes into consideration the visual strategy that its competition used when launching its coffee brand. As it has been analyzed in the paragraphs before, to simply copy and replicate what worked for one company may not have the same results for another.
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Re: Could someone please rate my essay? Thanks! [#permalink] New post 11 Nov 2013, 00:55
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In general, your essay looks ok. You convinced me right from the start.
However, one weakness is notic eable throughout this paper, and it's sentence structure. Here are a few general recommendations that might help:
1) Make your sentences shorter. Too long sentences make it hard t follow your idea and confuse the reader, reducing the persuasivness of you arguments at the same time. Try to keep your sentences within the 18 - 27 words limit. (For instance, I'd recommend you breaking this one into smaller sentences:"Since coffee is an expensive food item, and since there are already many established brands of coffee, the best way to gain customers for the Excelsior brand is to do what Superior, the leading coffee company, did when it introduced the newest brand in its line of coffees: conduct a temporary sales promotion that offers free samples, price reductions, and discount coupons for the new brand.")
2) Avoid run-on sentences. Be sure to use a conjunction every time you combine two (or more) simple sentences into a complex one.
3) Use punctuation whenever necessary
4) Differentiate netween 'which' and 'that' (Clearly, the argument by The Excelsior Company only takes into consideration the visual strategy that its competition used when launching its coffee brand.)
Re: Could someone please rate my essay? Thanks!   [#permalink] 11 Nov 2013, 00:55
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