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Could you please rate this essay..

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Could you please rate this essay.. [#permalink] New post 24 Feb 2011, 18:18
Hi - I am giving my gmat on 8th March and have started practicing the AWA. I have written following essay today, could you please help identify where I can improve:

"The study of history is largely a waste of time because it prevents us from focusing on the challenges of the present."

Discuss the extent to which you agree of disagree...

Many people believe that study of history is largely a waste of time because it prevents us from focusing on the challenges of the present. This statement is immature and I disagree with this conclusion, and I shall put forward my reasons against it.

We all are familiar with the phrase - "History repeats itself". And we have seen in the past how World War II followed World War I, how genocide in Darfur and Rwanda followed holocaust, and how financial crisis is repeating itself after almost every decade. Unless world learns from its past, same mistakes will keep happening.

Also, study of history is a constant reminder for the new generation of the struggles of previous generations and how their present was shaped by the history. It is very important that all points of views are documented about the historical events which provide a complete perspective of the past. Some historical events are written with a biased approach - such as Indo Pak conflicts will be documented in a prejudiced manner by the historians of two countries. If someone does not study all the historical events with a neutral mindset, solution to some of the current problems will never be possible because future generations will be continuously reminded of how their previous generation was right and the other country was wrong. There will never be a rethinking on the conflict without studying history in more depth.

Finally, some of the major challenges of current times have their roots in history. Financial crisis, cold war, occupation conflicts of Israel and Philistine, Indo-Pak conflict etc. Unless new generation looks at these issues with a new angle, they will never be resolved. And for the new generation to have a new angle, someone needs to continuously research on history and find out more and more details about every event that shaped our present.

Unfortunately, some people think that studying history is mostly a waste of time, but they fail to realize that man kind needs to learn from its mistakes whether they were made just yesterday, last week, last month or in last century.

For all above reasons, I strongly believe that studying history is an important part of understanding today's challenges. Without that we will be vulnerable to make same mistakes again and again.
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Concentration: Real Estate, Finance
Schools: MIT (Sloan) - Class of 2014
GMAT 1: 760 Q50 V44
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Kudos [?]: 484 [2] , given: 70

Re: Could you please rate this essay.. [#permalink] New post 24 Feb 2011, 18:32
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Hello!

You have provided very good arguments and your essay is rich in examples as well. I think the main point to work is to develop your introduction and your conclusion. For your introduction, you should try to build it with 3-4 sentences. For example, I wouldn't say that the statement is immature. I would rather say that while some people think that, other people believe that studying history is vital for anyone who wants to be fully aware of our challenges. Then, I would say that when both claims are juxtaposed, the second provides a more comprehensive solution for this issue.

This would help you to go over 400 words (your essay has 386 words, which is good already) and can grant you an extra point.

If you liked my analysis, please award me with Kudos! :D
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Re: Could you please rate this essay.. [#permalink] New post 24 Feb 2011, 18:35
thanks miguelmick!
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Re: Could you please rate this essay.. [#permalink] New post 24 Feb 2011, 18:45
Hey rk21857 This essay 4.5/6
Length is good. Pardon me. You have discussed so many examples that its difficult to find a single line of reasoning. Moreover the second para is bang on target with example. Introduce your thinking in the second para and let the reader get some breathing time ;-). From the third paragraph onwards you can proceed with examples, but don't overwhelm the reader. And tell precisely why you are offering the example so that you bolster the claim.

The second to last paragraph - "Unfortunately, some people think that studying....."
This is incomplete. You still hold your point because....... Its not enough to merely state the facts. But argue why you defend your reasoning in the midst of the other contenders.

"I strongly believe" - this is a cliche. Since you have written it you are the editor and you own this essay. So please dont use "I believe", "I therefore believe", "I". For example you can say -
For the reasons stated, studying history is an important part of understanding today's challenges.

Last edited by gmat1220 on 24 Feb 2011, 19:06, edited 1 time in total.
Director
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Status: Matriculating
Affiliations: Chicago Booth Class of 2015
Joined: 03 Feb 2011
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Kudos [?]: 191 [0], given: 123

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Re: Could you please rate this essay.. [#permalink] New post 24 Feb 2011, 18:46
I agree with miguelmick. Sorry mate you were just seconds ahead of me - I didnt know you were also part of this LOL
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Concentration: Real Estate, Finance
Schools: MIT (Sloan) - Class of 2014
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Kudos [?]: 484 [0], given: 70

Re: Could you please rate this essay.. [#permalink] New post 25 Feb 2011, 09:01
LOL! I am just starting, you are the professional!

gmat1220 wrote:
I agree with miguelmick. Sorry mate you were just seconds ahead of me - I didnt know you were also part of this LOL
Re: Could you please rate this essay..   [#permalink] 25 Feb 2011, 09:01
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