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Evaluate my TOEFL essay please.

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Evaluate my TOEFL essay please. [#permalink]

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New post 13 Nov 2015, 18:06
Some young adults want independence from their parents as soon as possible. Other young adults prefer to live with their families for a longer time. Which of these situation do you think is better? use specific reasons and examples to support you opinion.

Essay:

From my perspective, after you become an adult it is better to be independent as soon as possible, but it changes from person to person, some might argue that we should live with our parents as long as we can because we may regret leaving them too soon, and that would probably affect our future life, but even thought, I still believe that the sooner you become independent, the better.
When you start living alone, doing your market, and calculating how much you can spend in a month with trivial things, you mature yourself, you start to see the world in a different way, for example, when I did an exchange progam, in the end of the month I was low on money, and started to treat it with more value than before, and thinking if it was worth to spend it in a certain object.
Being independent also means work, you need to start working and earn money with your own hands, that gives you experience and it can give you a huge advantage in the future when you are looking for a job. When you work you also understands how hard is to earn money, and this gives you urge to look for more possibilities to profit, you start searching what are the best companies to you, if you could open your own business, and this will eventually will lead you to a future with success.
When you become independent you start looking at the world around you in different way, the economic of your country is now important, reading the newspaper became something natural, and the problems that you have need to be solved by yourself. For example, if your car starts falling, you need to get the contact of a realiable mechanic, then you are going to ask friends, family or even look around the town for yourself.
In my perspective, becoming independent is one of the best things we can do, I'm not implying that everyone should do that, it might not be the same to someone, however when you start living alone, the live you have lived changes, the comfort zone no more exists, and this may result in a big life chaging event to everyone.


I would love if someone could rate my essay, thanks!
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Re: Evaluate my TOEFL essay please. [#permalink]

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New post 15 Nov 2015, 02:51
Hi,

I would say 2 out of 5. It does not have consistency. Moreover, too many phrases convoluted and without punctuation. You do not know which is which. You should follow a simple and clear construction.

See my post as an announcement to improve under this light. best-resources-to-tackle-each-section-of-the-toefl-ibt-144802.html

regards
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New post 27 Nov 2015, 21:19
I would say that you need to organize your ideas, and also pay attention at your vocabulary. TOEFL needs attention and properly vocabulary. Don`t forget to organize your idea wisely: first, second, in conclusion...You can rewrite the essay, and it will look better.
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New post 20 Apr 2016, 03:28
Please rate my essay..

Question: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
A teacher’s ability to relate well with students is more important than excellent knowledge of the subject being taught.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In education field teacher is the important factor to succeed or to gain a great variety of knowledge.There are various qualities
of a every individual teacher,like one can have a profound knowledge on the other hand,one can have expressive qualities or
teaching qualities with respect to students.I think a teacher who can understand and deliver the knowledge by relating to
students is the key aspect in the education field.
Firstly,If a teacher can express the knowledge very well and if consequently the students are capable to understand the tea-
cher's thoughts and opinions then knowlegde of teacher is not a barrier,Although the knowledge is very important in terms of
teaching but having the knowlegde and not able to express or teach to students by involving with them,then Its a less important
factor.For instance,Suppose a person has a profound knowledge about something and he starts to teach the students by the
orthodox method "BLACKBOARD and CHALK" then some students might understand it well but,some students might need some special
examples to understand the fact.On the other hand a teacher having an adequate amount of knowledge but he has great expressive
ideas and tactics to teach the students,He might use visual aids or he might do something which can be easily adapted by the
students.
Moreover,a teacher who is great with mixing up with students,can know the student on the personal level and by this he can
know the strengths or weaknesses of the students.However,other teacher might miss something about the students means if
his teaching is not effective for some of the students,he will never understand the problem of a particular student.On the-
other hand,teacher with social skills will easily spot these problems and eventually try to help them with their problems.
In Conclusion, I can say that a teacher who is great with involving or relating with students is more important than a teacher
who has got excellent knowledge.
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New post 21 Apr 2016, 06:21
jadhavpankaj16 wrote:
Please rate my essay..

Question: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
A teacher’s ability to relate well with students is more important than excellent knowledge of the subject being taught.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In education field teacher is the important factor to succeed or to gain a great variety of knowledge.There are various qualities
of a every individual teacher,like one can have a profound knowledge on the other hand,one can have expressive qualities or
teaching qualities with respect to students.I think a teacher who can understand and deliver the knowledge by relating to
students is the key aspect in the education field.
Firstly,If a teacher can express the knowledge very well and if consequently the students are capable to understand the tea-
cher's thoughts and opinions then knowlegde of teacher is not a barrier,Although the knowledge is very important in terms of
teaching but having the knowlegde and not able to express or teach to students by involving with them,then Its a less important
factor.For instance,Suppose a person has a profound knowledge about something and he starts to teach the students by the
orthodox method "BLACKBOARD and CHALK" then some students might understand it well but,some students might need some special
examples to understand the fact.On the other hand a teacher having an adequate amount of knowledge but he has great expressive
ideas and tactics to teach the students,He might use visual aids or he might do something which can be easily adapted by the
students.
Moreover,a teacher who is great with mixing up with students,can know the student on the personal level and by this he can
know the strengths or weaknesses of the students.However,other teacher might miss something about the students means if
his teaching is not effective for some of the students,he will never understand the problem of a particular student.On the-
other hand,teacher with social skills will easily spot these problems and eventually try to help them with their problems.
In Conclusion, I can say that a teacher who is great with involving or relating with students is more important than a teacher
who has got excellent knowledge.



I think it's not bad. My advice is to try to use smaller sentences. Sometimes it's hard to follow your ideas.
Re: Evaluate my TOEFL essay please.   [#permalink] 21 Apr 2016, 06:21
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Evaluate my TOEFL essay please.

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