That is a well crafted response!
You've analysed the potential flaws in the argument well, and you have written a response that address these aspects.
A few suggestions:
1. In the body paragraphs of your response
Start by addressing the assumption made by the argument / author.
Now, the flaws in an argument exist because the author makes assumptions that have not been substantiated.
If you start your argument by first discussing the flawed assumption and then exploring how this weakens the argument -
your response would seem more in-depth.
2. Spread your time wisely:
Ideally, allocate the first 5-7 minutes to brainstorm
The next 15ish minutes to Write
and the last 10 minutes to proof read and add details you might have missed.
This way, when you realise (during proof reading) that a particular perspective needs more discussion - you'll actually have time to do it!
Your essay as is should get a 4.5 - 5 out of 6.
Hope this helps
For more info on GMAT and MBA, follow us on @AskCrackVerbal
Watch a 3-part Video Strategy series by CrackVerbal Founder & GMAT Expert Arun Jagannathan - http://gmat.crackverbal.com/gmat-video- ... g-part-one