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First Time Essay -Please Evaluate - Kudos will be Provided

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First Time Essay -Please Evaluate - Kudos will be Provided [#permalink] New post 21 Dec 2012, 23:18
Subject
The following was used as part of an internet advertising company's appeal to businesses: Furniture Depot employed our internet advertising company to help. Since then its sales increased by 10% over last year's totals. Furniture Depot's success demonstrates how using our internet services can increase your profitability.

Essay
The argument's logic is ill-convincing.The argument clearly assert that the sole reason increase in sales of the Furniture Depot is that using of internet advertising. Further, the author states that sales of Furniture Depot increased by 10% ,therefore one who implements internet services(advertising) can increase profitability. The author's reasoning has two problems.

The argument assumes that there may be no other fact, other than internet advertising that boosts the the sales of the company.There may be many facts,which can boost the sales. For example, the price of the best-selling company's product could be adjusted ,which, in turn boosted the sale further , or the company produced a new product ,which,in turn boosted sales further,....etc . It's too extreme to mention that the ad resulted Furniture Depot's sales to rise. I do believe that the flaw in the assumption does not support or proof of the main argument.

The second logical flaw of the argument is that the conclusion of the argument predicts that its internet services can increase profitability of companies . However, the profitability has never been mentioned in the premises . The premises only mentions that sales of Furniture Depot increased by 10%. Then the conclusion predicts that the internet service can increase a company's profitability. This is not logically convincing. Although sale and profit are related, they are different concepts. Profit is basically equal to revenue(in this case sales) minus costs. There is no information provided in the paragraph about the company's costs. The company's cost may be increased by 10%, then the total profit may not be increased. Therefore, one cannot assert that the increased sales can lead the increased profit in the company.

Hence , I believe that the argument is seriously flawed and it can be more well reasoned and convincing if it considers all of the above mentioned assumptions and present some examples in real life implementations.
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Re: First Time Essay -Please Evaluate - Kudos will be Provided [#permalink] New post 22 Dec 2012, 01:32
1
This post received
KUDOS
Pros:
Strong arguments
Smooth transition

Cons:
Repetitive and lengthy language
Grammar: Pronoun, S V Agreement, Fragment

This essay can fetch you a 3.5 or 4.
But with a little polishing, which comes with practice, same content can fetch you 5.5.

Details:

It is useful to follow a template, because this can save you at least 5-10 minutes during the test, drain less of your brain, which needs to be quick and active for the rest and more important part of the test.

You can follow the famous ChineseBurned guide:
how-to-get-6-0-awa-my-guide-64327.html

Coming to your essay:

Quote:
The argument's logic is ill-convincing.The argument clearly assert that the sole reason increase in sales of the Furniture Depot is that using of internet advertising. Further, the author states that sales of Furniture Depot increased by 10% ,therefore one who implements internet services(advertising) can increase profitability. The author's reasoning has two problems.

* It is better to introduce the argument first and then judge. State what is the argument is trying to prove, then say the argument is unconvincing for x, y, z reasons.
* Avoid repetitive words(as you would do in GMAT SC).
Assert = State Confidently or Clearly, so no need of "Clearly asserts".
* Avoid "that... that..." construction. Too many "that" clauses hinder the flow. Your statement can be rephrased:-
"The argument asserts that internet advertising is the sole reason for increase in sales of the furniture Depot". The more direct, the better.
* Other minor glitches - missing comma after therefore, missing singular in assert, missing "for" after reason - can be worked upon.


Quote:
The argument assumes that there may be no other fact, other than internet advertising that boosts the the sales of the company.There may be many facts,which can boost the sales. For example, the price of the best-selling company's product could be adjusted ,which, in turn boosted the sale further , or the company produced a new product ,which,in turn boosted sales further,....etc . It's too extreme to mention that the ad resulted Furniture Depot's sales to rise. I do believe that the flaw in the assumption does not support or proof of the main argument.


* Repeat: no other = other than
* First and Second sentence can be rephrased to a single simple sentence
* From second sentence: can boost.. in turn boosted,, in turn boosted. Repetition, Tense Change.
* Last sentence: " the flaw" should be "this flaw". doesn't support or prove the main argument : is the correct construction. Moreover, a flaw never supports an argument. This statement is unnecessary. You can say "This flaw undermines the credibility of the argument".

Quote:
The second logical flaw of the argument is that the conclusion of the argument predicts that its internet services can increase profitability of companies . However, the profitability has never been mentioned in the premises . The premises only mentions that sales of Furniture Depot increased by 10%. Then the conclusion predicts that the internet service can increase a company's profitability. This is not logically convincing. Although sale and profit are related, they are different concepts. Profit is basically equal to revenue(in this case sales) minus costs. There is no information provided in the paragraph about the company's costs. The company's cost may be increased by 10%, then the total profit may not be increased. Therefore, one cannot assert that the increased sales can lead the increased profit in the company.


* There was no "First" , so "Second" should not be used.
* Repeat: flaw of the argument is that.... conclusion of the argument predicts that.
* Fragment: Then the conclusion...
* Last but one sentence: Missing "If" clause, "then the total profit .."
* Last sentence: should be "increase in sales can lead to increase in profit"

Quote:
Hence , I believe that the argument is seriously flawed and it can be more well reasoned and convincing if it considers all of the above mentioned assumptions and present some examples in real life implementations.


*Repeat: more=well
* What assumptions are we talking about here ?

Your overall structure should be:

1st Para: Introduce the argument and indicate weakness
2nd Para: Underlying assumptions that can be challenged
3nd Para: Flaw in the logic i.e. Faulty relationship between Premises and conclusion
4th Para: Suggestions to strengthen the argument
5th Para: Conclusion. 2-3 Sentences, summing up whatever is already described.
If you are slow in typing, you can club 4 and 5.
_________________

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well."
― Voltaire


Press Kudos, if I have helped.
Thanks!

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Re: First Time Essay -Please Evaluate - Kudos will be Provided [#permalink] New post 22 Dec 2012, 11:58
Thank you very much . Very good evaluation :) Kudos:)
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Please give kudos if you enjoy the explanations that I have given. Thanks :)

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Re: First Time Essay -Please Evaluate - Kudos will be Provided [#permalink] New post 13 Jan 2013, 15:12
I think 3.5 or 4.0 is about right.

ConnectTheDots already pointed out a lot of ways in which the organization can be improved. I will address the actual analysis.

This analysis identifies a serious flaw in the original argument: the 10% increase in sales cannot be attributed to the Internet advertising. There may be so many reasons for that including random fluctuations. Take 1,000 different companies - at least one of them will surely have a 10% increase in sales during any given year. Obviously, the advertising company is citing its most successful client. We do not know about all the other clients that went bankrupt. It is also possible that the entire furniture sector or the entire economy of the country grew by 12%, but the sales of Furniture Depot only increased by 10% because of its terribly stupid Internet commercials :lol:

The analysis also correctly and effectively demonstrates that an increase in sales does not necessarily lead to an increase in profitability, at least not by the same amount. An internet commercial may very well advertise deals (think Living Social, Groupon), not the most profitable products, and thus may even lead to some temporary losses even if the advertising itself costs nothing. However, it may also lead to an increased brand awareness which may lead to profitability in the following years. If I had my own company and I had an internet advertiser that was sure to increase my sales without necessarily increasing my profits, I could still give it a try. Thus, I would say that the interchangeable use of sales and profits is not such a serious flaw. In fact, their ad only claimed that "Furniture Depot's success demonstrates how using our internet services can increase your profitability." Notice the "...demonstrates ... can..." There is no promise of anything, only a demonstration of something that can happen with you - may or may not.

You may want to include another, more significant consideration. Imagine that the success of Furniture Depot was indeed totally attributable to the advertising campaign, and that its profits also increased by 10% for the same reason. Say, you have a restaurant in Connecticut. Would you use this advertising campaign?.. Exactly! They are selling furniture, you are serving food to customers. Just because some furniture store increased their profitability with this campaign does not mean that every business on earth can benefit from it in the same way. Even if we take another furniture company, Furniture Depot-II, located in a different but similar city, of the same size and structure as the original one, it is not guaranteed that this advertising will also help them. After all, we are generalizing from just one case of success, not a proven track record. Once again, we do not know how many furniture companies went bankrupt because of using this advertising agency. (However, the argument never claimed that an increase in sales/profitability is inevitable. It only said that the possibility was demonstrated.)


The analysis would be benefit from a more careful word choice. For example,
Quote:
It's too extreme to mention that the ad resulted Furniture Depot's sales to rise.

"Mention" should be replaced by "state" or "claim". It is only possible to mention something that is already known to be true. Also, I do not think that "extreme" is appropriate in this context. "far-fetched" would be a better choice.

Quote:
it can be more well reasoned and convincing if it considers all of the above mentioned assumptions

I am not quite sure what is meant by "considering the assumptions", but either "consider" or "assumptions" should be changed to something else in order to make this sentence clear.


Also, at least in one place the analysis is unfair to the original argument and finds in it more flaws than there actually are.

Quote:
The argument clearly assert that the sole reason increase in sales of the Furniture Depot is that using of internet advertising.

This is just false. The argument never asserts that. The argument implies that internet advertising contributed to the increase in sales.


The analysis also has several illogical sentences that should be reworded to be comprehensible.

Quote:
I do believe that the flaw in the assumption does not support or proof of the main argument.

Not sure what it means.

Quote:
if it considers all of the above mentioned assumptions and present some examples in real life implementations

What "examples in real life implementations"? What does it mean?


--------
Pretty good overall. I would suggest rewriting the same essay with the same ideas to improve presentation also making sure to incorporate the advice from ConnectTheDots. Then separately work on getting more ideas so your response will be more insightful. Every time you find a flaw in the argument imagine that the flaw was eliminated and see if it would help. Also watch out for "can" vs. "could" vs. "may" vs. "will". Make sure you distinguish what is said from what is implied.

Good luck!
_________________

Sergey Orshanskiy, Ph.D.
I tutor in NYC: http://www.wyzant.com/Tutors/NY/New-Yor ... ref=1RKFOZ

Re: First Time Essay -Please Evaluate - Kudos will be Provided   [#permalink] 13 Jan 2013, 15:12
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