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GMA on 5th,please tell me if score my score is 4.5+ kudos su

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Joined: 05 Jun 2013
Posts: 59
Location: India
Concentration: Entrepreneurship, General Management
GMAT 1: 640 Q48 V29
GPA: 3.6
WE: Business Development (Education)
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Kudos [?]: 8 [1] , given: 31

GMA on 5th,please tell me if score my score is 4.5+ kudos su [#permalink] New post 03 Sep 2013, 02:57
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“Motorcycle X has been manufactured in the United States for over 70 years. Although one foreign company has copied the motorcycle and is selling it for less, the company has failed to attract motorcycle X customers - some say because its products lacks the exceptionally loud noise made by motorcycle X. But there must be some other explanation. After all, foreign cars tend to be quieter than similar American-made cars, but they sell at least as well. Also, television advertisements for motorcycle X highlight its durability and sleek lines, not its noisiness and the ads typically have voice-overs or rock music rather than engine roar on the sound track.”


There are few typos also, does that affect AWA score drastically? Trying to give a different kind of start, does that create a positive impact or negative, experts please help.

Motorcycle cycle riding is a craze in America and other parts of the world. There are different kinds of motorcycles, known for their speed, style, looks, fuel efficiency and list goes on. Argumument presented in the business section of the local newspaper is trying to analyse a situation. A foreign company has copied the motorcycle produced by a company called Motorcycle X, and selling it for less. However, the company has failed to attract customers. Some provide the reason that it lacks the loud noise generated by Motorcycle X bikes. But the author does not second this opinion and reasons, foreign cars tend to be quieter than similar American-made cars, but they sell at least as well. In addition, the television advertisements for motorcycle X highlight its durability and sleek lines and not its noisesiness.

The argument presented by the author most conspicuously reveals the assumptions and believes made the in the argument. Primarily, the author is trying to argue against what some say, which is product lacks the exceptionally loud noise made by motorcycle X, but it is not clear who that some is, and is assumed to be a strong point against which the argument is built. It is not clear if that 'some' is voice of experts in field of business or motocycles, or just a rumour. Secondarily, author claims the foreign company has copied the motorcycle produced by Motorcycle X, but is not clear what has been copied, is it the engine design, body design, paint, or the entire bike. Inaddition, the quality factor in comparision to Mototrcycle X is not mentioned. Besides, the foreign company is selling the bike for less, but how much less is not mentioned. If the quality is hit in the process of copying or if the price is not visibly less, then the argument fails to create an impact. And sales would be obviously hit. Author also fails to consider the Motorcycle X has been selling motorcycles for over 70 years, which might have developed a customer loyalty towards the brand.

Finally, the argument compares the customer behaviour of who purchase cars and customer behaviour of who purchase motorcycle, and thus undermines the argument. If quieter foreign cars have decent sales compared to similar American-made cars, does not imply quiter motocycle should be prefered over louder motorcycles. Author fails to understand that cars and motorcycles are two different segments and thier customer preferences cannot be generalized. In addition to the above assumptions, the author argues the television advertisements for motorcycle X highlight its durability and sleek lines and not its noisesiness and they have rock music and not engine-roar on the sound track.But what impact the television advertisement has on customers is not clear, also the author has failed to mention the advertisemnt of the foreign company.

Having presented all the points, the argument is not completely baseless, but could have been strengthened if some statistical data on consumer behavious was presented. Or, if the basis on which the author is comparing cars to bikes would have been clear. In conclusion, the over all argument is based on too many assumptions and unclear premises. It fails to present a coherent logic on what it presents. If argument takes into account the above assumptions, then it can definitly provide a stronger argument.



KUDOS FOR SURE, to review. really tenses guys.
had many more points to mention, but could not manage time.
Word count is 554, is it enough?
Finally, i have 3 main points, and have additional points within them. is it good style? or should I mention them as many but short points.

-- omkar
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Re: GMA on 5th,please tell me if score my score is 4.5+ kudos su [#permalink] New post 05 Sep 2013, 03:04
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To answer your question about typos. The essay is graded holistically, meaning that typos will not be a big problem unless there are many of them recurring and they make the essay difficult to read or understand.
This essay is long enough but falls a little short of answering the question task. your introduction sounds more like you are going to debate the issue than talk about the logic of the author's reasoning and for that reason your first body paragraph is lacking in transitions. You would be better off discussing the author's conclusion and the logic of it in your introduction.

Your body paragraphs do contain quite a few points but there is little to no analysis of those points. You would have been better served to mention only one point in each body paragraph and analyze it at length - describing the assumption or flaw, describing it's effect on the argument and what different conclusion you can come to without knowing the information and finally, how the author could have fixed that particular error.

overall I would give this essay a 3.5
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Re: GMA on 5th,please tell me if score my score is 4.5+ kudos su   [#permalink] 05 Sep 2013, 03:04
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