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GMAT AWA. Please read and grade!!!

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Manager
Manager
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Joined: 22 Apr 2013
Posts: 95
Location: India
Concentration: Finance
GMAT 1: 660 Q48 V33
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 30 [0], given: 32

GMAT AWA. Please read and grade!!! [#permalink] New post 16 Sep 2013, 19:29
Hey Guys,

This is my first post on the forum. I have included my first AWA. If someone could please comment on my structure, grammar, flaws compared to how they would write this essay it would be really helpful.

Thanks for your help!

The following appeared in a memorandum issued by a large city’s council on the arts:
“In a recent citywide poll, 15 percent more residents said that they watch television programs about the visual arts
than was the case in a poll conducted five years ago. During these past five years, the number of people visiting our
city’s art museums has increased by a similar percentage. Since the corporate funding that supports public television,
where most of the visual arts programs appear, is now being threatened with severe cuts, we can expect that
attendance at our city’s art museums will also start to decrease. Thus some of the city’s funds for supporting the arts
should be reallocated to public television.”


In the passage, it is argued by the author that because of severe cuts in the corporate funding that supports public television, where most of the Visual Arts programs appear, attendance in the city's art museums will start to decrease. However, on a deeper analysis, it becomes apparent that certain relevant aspects have not been taken into account, leading to several mistaken assumptions and logical flaws.

One such flaw is that the author mistakenly assumes that there is a correlation between the number of people who watch visual arts programs on television and the attendance at city's art museums. The assumption that author makes is general and does not imply anything substantial. The attendance in the art museums could have increased because of factors such as an increase in population, an increase in the number of art museums, or an increase in the number of tourists in the city. In order to strengthen the argument, the author should provide data that shows the correlation between visual arts programs and attendance at art museums. The author can conduct a survey that integrates both the factors instead of the existing surveys that shows the increase separately.

Another statement, significantly weakening the argument is that the author uses the term Visual Arts Programs, which is a broad category of programs to indicate the increase in attendance. These programs may include programs about Museums, Visual Arts history, or modern art. Visual Art Programs may or may not directly relate to the increase in attendance at City's Art Museums. To overcome this flaw, the argument should be more specific with what kind of programs are included in Visual Arts Category. The argument should then show the correlation between the specific programs and the increase in attendance at art museums.

The author also wrongly concludes that severe cuts will lead to a decrease in the attendance at art museums. Severe cuts in corporate funding does not indicate that the cuts will specifically be limited to Visual Arts Programs. The cuts in corporate funding could be in employees, infrastructure. There could be a change in policy which restricts the number of new programs etc. To make this argument more valid, the author should demonstrate a plan to show how the severe cuts in funding affect the visual arts programs.

After closer examination of the passage presented, it is apparent that there are several logical flaws. The recommendation in the essay shows how the argument may be strengthened and made more logically sound.
Expert Post
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Re: GMAT AWA. Please read and grade!!! [#permalink] New post 18 Sep 2013, 18:28
Expert's post
Hi akash,

This gets a 4.

Your structure and grammar are both good--those are major plusses. And the points that you make are valuable and correct. However, the points you make are all similar and overlap a bit--and the reason for this is that the scope of your essay is too narrow. You misidentified the author's conclusion. Unlike a Critical Reasoning prompt, which will usually have a clear split between the main point and the supporting evidence, an analytical writing prompt may have a chain of reasoning, linked conclusions leading to a final recommendation. In this case, the conclusion that funds should be reallocated was the author's main conclusion. Because you spend the entire essay attacking the premise that TV cuts will decrease museum attendance, you don't include any discussion of whether the proposed solution is likely to succeed if the problem turns out to be real. That omission detracts from your score.

I hope this helps!
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Manager
Manager
avatar
Joined: 22 Apr 2013
Posts: 95
Location: India
Concentration: Finance
GMAT 1: 660 Q48 V33
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 30 [0], given: 32

Re: GMAT AWA. Please read and grade!!! [#permalink] New post 18 Sep 2013, 18:46
Thank you for the rating. Much appreciated.
Re: GMAT AWA. Please read and grade!!!   [#permalink] 18 Sep 2013, 18:46
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