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GMAT in 3 days! pls pls pls review this essay.

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Intern
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Joined: 06 Apr 2013
Posts: 13
Concentration: Marketing, General Management
GMAT 1: 640 Q44 V34
GPA: 3
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Kudos [?]: 0 [0], given: 33

GMAT in 3 days! pls pls pls review this essay. [#permalink] New post 25 Oct 2013, 23:15
Hi All,
Please review and provide your feedback. Your views are much appreciated.
thanks in advance :)


The following appeared as part of an article in a magazine devoted to regional life.
“Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. Even in the recent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. It is the industrial center of the region, and historically it has provided more than its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs. In addition, Helios is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies.”

The argument outlines that, Helios city is the industrial center of the region, it had a lower rate of unemployment than the regional average in the recent recession and the city is also planning to expand its economic base by inviting companies in the field of research and development of innovative technologies. The author then concludes that because of above mentioned reasons the corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location. While there seems to be some merit in the author’s claim but the author’s conclusion is undermined by the lack of relevant evidence to support the causal link between these events.

Firstly, the author states that in the recent recession, Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average. This argument is based on vague terms and is unsupported by statistical evidence. It may be a possibility that the unemployment rate in the Helios city was 9% while the regional average was 10%, which is not a very significant difference and hence in such scenario the conclusion could not be supported by this reasoning. On the other hand there exists a possibility of significant difference in the unemployment rate between Helios city and the regional average. Further information in this regard is required to ascertain the claim.

Second issue to be addressed is the argument by the author that Helios is the center of the region and has historically exceeded its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs. This argument is a stretch and lacks several data points to support the claim. Argument is also flawed because it quotes historical performance to claim importance in present scenario and that too without any evidence. The information about Helios’s historical vs. recent contribution in numerical terms in the state’s manufacturing jobs sector will be required to evaluate the argument. In order to support his position, the author also needs to demonstrate that Helios continues to exceed its share in the region’s manufacturing jobs.

Finally, the author states that Helios is attempting to expand its economic base by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies but the author fails to provide any correlation as to how the city’s plans for expansion by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies is a determining factor to conclude that corporations while seeking new business opportunities and a new location should prefer the city of Helios. In lack of key factors, the argument seems more of a wishful thinking than substantive evidence.

In conclusion, while the author does present the beginnings of the case that Corporations should look to the city of Helios when seeking new business opportunities or a new location citing following points: Helios’s unemployment rate was lower than the regional average, in recent recession. It is the industrial center of the region, and historically it has provided more than its share of the region’s manufacturing jobs and Helios is also attempting to expand by attracting companies that focus on research and development of innovative technologies. However, as we saw in our examples above that there are some flaws in the argument which weaken author’s position. Certainly there’s more to explore here, the author just needs to provide some additional evidence to support his claim.
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Re: GMAT in 3 days! pls pls pls review this essay. [#permalink] New post 26 Oct 2013, 18:36
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I think this is fine -- around a 4.0 or so. Just be really careful about run-on sentences.... I think 2 of the first 3 are run-on.
Plus, be careful about your language being too casual (i.e. the paragraph that starts with 'Second' as opposed to 'The second.)
Hope this helps.
-Brian
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Brian Lange | Manhattan GMAT Instructor | North Carolina


Manhattan GMAT Discount | Manhattan GMAT Course Reviews | View Instructor Profile

Intern
Intern
Joined: 06 Apr 2013
Posts: 13
Concentration: Marketing, General Management
GMAT 1: 640 Q44 V34
GPA: 3
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Kudos [?]: 0 [0], given: 33

Re: GMAT in 3 days! pls pls pls review this essay. [#permalink] New post 26 Oct 2013, 23:57
Thanks Brian. Will try to write shorter sentences to avoid run-on sentences. one more thing, Is it absolutely necessary to write essay of around 500 words to earn at least 5 points ?
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Re: GMAT in 3 days! pls pls pls review this essay. [#permalink] New post 31 Oct 2013, 16:50
Expert's post
If that is a specific rule -- it is one that is new to me. Worry about writing 5 quality paragraphs -- each paragraph with 4-6 good sentences -- and you'll be all set.
Hope this helps.
-Brian
_________________


Brian Lange | Manhattan GMAT Instructor | North Carolina


Manhattan GMAT Discount | Manhattan GMAT Course Reviews | View Instructor Profile

Intern
Intern
Joined: 06 Apr 2013
Posts: 13
Concentration: Marketing, General Management
GMAT 1: 640 Q44 V34
GPA: 3
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 0 [0], given: 33

Re: GMAT in 3 days! pls pls pls review this essay. [#permalink] New post 07 Nov 2013, 01:49
brianlange77 wrote:
If that is a specific rule -- it is one that is new to me. Worry about writing 5 quality paragraphs -- each paragraph with 4-6 good sentences -- and you'll be all set.
Hope this helps.
-Brian


Thanks Brian !
Appeared for GMAT on 29/11. Got 5/6 in AWA , I wrote this essay comprising of 4 nicely written paras of good length ( had gone through a 4 para template by stacey). Though not very happy with my GMAT score of 640 ( QA-44, VA-34) :(
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Re: GMAT in 3 days! pls pls pls review this essay. [#permalink] New post 09 Nov 2013, 06:15
Expert's post
Sorry that you weren't happy w/ your score -- but at a minimum, you should know that you've got the essay covered and can 'check this off of your list.'
Best of luck moving forward.
-Brian
_________________


Brian Lange | Manhattan GMAT Instructor | North Carolina


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Re: GMAT in 3 days! pls pls pls review this essay.   [#permalink] 09 Nov 2013, 06:15
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GMAT in 3 days! pls pls pls review this essay.

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