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GMAT in 4 days. Please review my AWA

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GMAT in 4 days. Please review my AWA [#permalink] New post 30 Aug 2012, 17:33
Please tell me an approximate score that I'll get for the following response :-

ESSAY QUESTION:
The following appeared in the editorial section of a national news magazine:

"The rating system for electronic games is similar to the movie rating system in that it provides consumers with a quick reference so that they can determine if the subject matter and contents are appropriate. This electronic game rating system is not working because it is self regulated and the fines for violating the rating system are nominal. As a result an independent body should oversee the game industry and companies that knowingly violate the rating system should be prohibited from releasing a game for two years."

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.

YOUR RESPONSE:
The conclusion of the given argument is that an independent body should oversee the game industry and companies that knowingly violate the rating system are to be prohibited from releasing a game for two years. The premises of the argument are that the gaming industry is self regulated and fines for violating the rating system are nominal. The argument is flawed due to the reasons mentioned below.

To begin with, the author stresses that the rating system is not working as the same is self regulated. But such self regulation is also practiced in highly successful movie rating sites such as IMDB and book rating sites such as Goodreads. The problem is not with the self regulation, but with the lack of moderation and stringent controls in place to avoid intentional manipulation.

Additionally, with respect to the author's assertion of the fact that fines for violation of rating systems are nominal. Fines for violation should start from a nominal value and subsequently escalated in case of repeat offenders. Such a practice should be implemented across the gaming industry as the same is followed in a number of areas beyond rating systems as well such as law and order in various states.

Furthermore, the conclusion drawn in the argument of overseeing the game industry by an independent body and prohibition of companies violating the norms can be nullified by ensuring more stringent controls in the industry along with varied slabs of the fines that would be imposed in case of violation of the norms as mentioned in the above two paragraphs.

To conclude, if the author had mentioned self regulation with added levels of monitoring and moderation and varied slabs of fines imposed on the companies depending on the violations committed then the argument would have been more convincing.
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Re: GMAT in 4 days. Please review my AWA [#permalink] New post 03 Sep 2012, 21:35
Here is the second essay that I wrote today. My GMAT is tomorrow. Request you to please review.

Motorcycle X has been manufactured in the United States for over 70 years. Although one foreign company has copied the motorcycle and is selling it for less, the company has failed to attract motorcycle X customers- some say because its product lacks the exceptionally loud noise made by motorcycle X. But there must be some other explanation. After all, foreign cars tend to be quieter than similar American-made cars, but they sell at least as well. Also, television advertisements for motorcycle X highlight its durability and sleek lines, not its noisiness, and the ads typically have voice-overs or rock music rather than engine-roar on the sound track.
Discuss how well, etc



The conclusion of the given argument is that motorcycle X sells more than other foreign-made motorcycles by other competitors and the reasons are owned to the premises mentioned in the following line. The premises are that the product is lacking in the exceptionally loud noise made by motorcycle X. A contradictory point is stated that this might not be completely true as foreign cars tend to be quieter than their counterpart American made cars and still sell well. Another contradiction pointed out is that the advertisments focus more on the durability and sleekness of the motorcycle rather than the noisiness and the sound track comprises of voice overs or rock music rather than the engine roar. The argument is flawed because of the reasons discussed in the following paragraphs.

To begin with, the comparative selling patterns of foreign cars and similar made American made cars could be due to many reasons beyond just the noise produced by the individual cars. It could be due to better advertising by the foriegn companies. Other reasons can possibly include better performance on the roads, better mileage offered by the cars, better safety and additional features offered within the car itself.

Additionally, the television advertisments concentrating more on the durability and sleek lines of motorcycle X could be true where they are accentuating the other features of the motorcycle present. The foreign made motorcycles might not be having such sleekness and durability as X does. Also there is no mention of the advertisments that are used by the foreign competitors and highlighting the durability and sleekness of the motorcycle might be a standard requirement in all advertisments.

Furthermore, the noise not being used directly in the advertisment does not lead to the conclusion that the noise produced by X is completely insignificant in its sales. In fact, it can also mean that the noise as it is such a prominent feature in X does not need to be separately highlighted in the advertisment and the advertisment could focus on certain external aids like using rock music and other voice overs in helping establish a better advertisment campaign.

To conclude, if the author had mentioned on what all strategies are the competitors actually using and a thorough analysis of all features of both motorcycle X as well as foreign motorcycles was done then the argument could be more convincing.
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Re: GMAT in 4 days. Please review my AWA [#permalink] New post 04 Sep 2012, 08:37
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Hi Thecrusader,

Both of these would get decent scores.

In both, your writing is satisfactory, and your structure is excellent. You also back up your points with examples.

However, both falter when it comes to logic. Your first discusses "IMDB" in term of rating sights, which is 100% out of scope--you're conflating the rating of the quality of movies with the rating of the appropriateness of those movies content. We're not concerned about whether they are good movies, but about whether children should watch them. Your second essay also fails to point out the major flaw in the argument, which is the fundamental difference in market between cars and motorcycle. You also don't make a compelling point in your third paragraph, which talks about "requirements" in advertisements; this doesn't make sense, at least without context.

Focus on understanding the prompt. Misunderstanding it, or missing a central flaw, will negatively impact your score; spending the time to analyze the prompt in depth before you write will avoid this difficulty!
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Re: GMAT in 4 days. Please review my AWA   [#permalink] 04 Sep 2012, 08:37
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