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Since I'm not a native english, AWA has become a bottleneck in my preparing. So, I would thank you for your critique and tips where i need work with my essay.
"Education has become the main provider of individual opportunity in our society. Just as property and money once were the keys to success, education has become the element that most ensures success in life.
In your opinion, how accurate is the view expressed above? Explain, using reasons and examples based on your own experience, observation, or reading."
Some people claim that education grants people exceptional opportunity to succeed in life. Other people support the thought that it is not essential to be educated and success mainly depends on how good you can attune to life conditions. This issue is a controversial one, but closer scrutinizing reveals that today the most successive people are well-educated. One reason is that today education has become the prerequisite element to boost your carrier. Companies consider good education as must-have to get a high-paid job. For example, such companies like McKinsey pay a lot of attention not only to what college you graduated from but also how good you were there. Therefore, education has become a crucial point in getting job with high salary. Eventually, high salary is associated with success. Another reason is that people who know more as a result of education are able to think rapidly and fruitful. For instance, if a man would like to take a credit from bank and different banks offer different loan conditions, a person who well-trained in math will unmistakably choose the right bank. At the same time another person with no proper education could confuse simple interests and complex interest and as a result choose the bank with interior conditions. Hence, well-educated person would save a lot of money and therefore more succeed in particular situation. Perhaps the best reason is that education brings a prestige which people could use to succeed in life. To illustrate this point, consider this situation. If two people argue each other on some debatable issue, and each has his strong evidences, the mass would gravitate to person who graduated from well-known school, rather that to person who has no such credentials. Consequently, the first would gain more proponents and win the debate. In summary, while there are arguments to be made for both side of issue, it is clear that education considerably helps people to succeed in their lives. Today it is not enough to possess properties or money; if people want to be successor, education has become crucial point on this way.
Re: Highly appreciate your rate. Issue [#permalink]
06 Nov 2009, 09:27
Thanks for posting this essay.
I'd score it a 5.
The language is clear and you make nice points.
You could improve your score by paying much less deference to the other side of the argument. Don't say "arguments could be made on both sides of the issue." That is implicit. We are asked to be almost like attorneys, making strong arguments for one side and one side only. So if the prompt asks: Which is better: Peanut butter or jelly? (we wish) we need to go ahead and just say "Peanut is better than jelly because..."
Thanks again for sharing. Let me know if you have any other questions.
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