Kindly rate my awa : Analytical Writing Assessment (AWA)
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Kindly rate my awa

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Manager
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Status: Persevering
Joined: 15 May 2013
Posts: 225
Location: India
Concentration: Technology, Leadership
GMAT Date: 08-02-2013
GPA: 3.7
WE: Consulting (Consulting)
Followers: 1

Kudos [?]: 86 [0], given: 34

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Kindly rate my awa [#permalink]

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New post 31 Jul 2013, 09:20
32. The following appeared in the editorial section of a West Cambria newspaper.
“A recent review of the West Cambria volunteer ambulance service revealed a longer average response time to accidents than was reported by a commercial ambulance squad located in East Cambria. In order to provide better patient care for accident victims and to raise revenue for our town by collecting service fees for ambulance use, we should disband our volunteer service and hire a commercial ambulance service.”
Discuss how well reasoned... etc.

My response

The author's conclusion in the given argument is that in order to provide better patient care the volunteer ambulance service be disbanded and a new commercial ambulance service be hired. To accomplish the aforementioned goal the author also suggests that a service fees be charged for ambulance use. However, the argument is not convincing for a couple of reasons.

First, to justify the need for a commercial ambulance service,the author cites a review, which reveals that the average response time of volunteer ambulance service in west cambria is lower than the response time of commercial ambulance service in east cambria. But author fails to consider that the response time being compared is of different regions and factors such as traffic congestion may cause response time of one region to be more than that of the other region. Also by comparing only the response time author might be overlooking other important criterias such as the advanced life saving equipment present on-board the ambulance. It might be the case that the volunteer service ambulance's are more advanced and provide these features which might have more impact on patient care than the response time.

Second, the author suggests that in order to achieve the goal of using commercial ambulance service, a fee be charged, but the author fails to provide additional support that whether people in west cambria can afford the fee that is going to be charged. It might be the case that people in west cambria cannot actually afford this fee and hence must rely on the volunteer service.

In light of the above, i feel that argument is not convincing and it can be strengthened if the author can provide more reasons to support his conclusion and address the concerns raised above.
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New post 31 Jul 2013, 17:14
IMHO, I think this probably falls somewhere between a 3.5 and a 4.0. There are some word errors -- 'a service fees be charged'; there are some run-on sentences; and, it would be great if your argument had three main points of equal length. Yours has only two, and the second argument is much shorter than the first.

Feel free to try again and I'd be happy to take a look.

Thanks.

-Brian
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Manager
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Status: Persevering
Joined: 15 May 2013
Posts: 225
Location: India
Concentration: Technology, Leadership
GMAT Date: 08-02-2013
GPA: 3.7
WE: Consulting (Consulting)
Followers: 1

Kudos [?]: 86 [0], given: 34

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Re: Kindly rate my awa [#permalink]

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New post 31 Jul 2013, 21:15
Here another shot at it !

The author's conclusion in the given argument is that in order to provide better patient care the volunteer ambulance service be disbanded and a new commercial ambulance service be hired. To accomplish the aforementioned goal the author also suggests that a service fees be charged for ambulance use. However, the argument is not convincing for a couple of reasons.

First, to justify the need for a commercial ambulance service,the author cites a review, which reveals that the average response time of volunteer ambulance service in west cambria is lower than the response time of commercial ambulance service in east cambria. The author though fails to consider that the response time being compared is of different regions and factors such as traffic congestion, poor road infrastructure may cause response time of one region to be more than that of the other region,causing the response time of ambulance service in west cambria to be higher than the response time of commercial ambulance service in east cambria.

Second, the author suggests that a service fees be charged in order to raise revenue for the introduction of commercial ambulance service, but the author fails to provide additional support that whether people in west cambria can afford the fee that is going to be charged. If the people in west cambria cannot afford the service fee for ambulance use and the volunteer service is also disbanded, they will not be able to use either of the ambulance service. The scenario mentioned is actually much worse than having to bear with low response time of existing ambulance service.

Finally, by comparing only the response time author might be overlooking other important criterias such as the advanced life saving equipment present on-board the ambulance. It might be the case that the ambulances currently being used in west cambria are more advanced with respect to such features than the ambulances being used in east cambria. If true,the mentioned scenario strongly suggests that people will be better off by using the existing volunteer ambulance service than by using the commercial ambulance service.

In light of the above, i feel that argument is not convincing and it can be strengthened if the author can provide more reasons in support of his conclusion and address the concerns as raised above.
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New post 03 Oct 2016, 09:58
The following appeared in the editorial section of a West Cambria newspaper:

“A recent review of the West Cambria volunteer ambulance service revealed a longer average response time to accidents than was reported by a commercial ambulance squad located in East Cambria. In order to provide better patient care for accident victims and to raise revenue for our town by collecting service fees for ambulance use, we should disband our volunteer service and hire a commercial ambulance service.”

Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.

Answer:

This argument is about ambulance service in two area, West Cambria and East Cambria. In West Cambria Volunteer ambulance service takes longer average response time for accidents than commercial ambulance squad located in East Cambria. Based upon this assumption the author conclude that to provide better service for accidents victims and to raise revenue, West Cambria should stop volunteer service and hire commercial service. Here the author has failed to provide sufficient evidence to support his argument.

Firstly, the author is comparing volunteer service with commercial service. Volunteer service is might be provided by any NGO, public service or any other govt service. Commercial service is been given by private organization or private hospitals. So we don’t know which type ambulance they are using, whether they are using different models or whether one is using latest ambulance model with all features and other one is using old one. Again the average response time in two area we don’t know the statistics. If East Cambria area is smaller than West Cambria then East Cambria may have good response time.

Secondly, If West Cambria is proving ambulance service voluntarily then why would they will think for revenue generation. If any NGO as sponsored the ambulance they will donate more money to give its service at best. As East Cambria is already running a commercial ambulance service then but obvious they will give their best service to customer and they will plan for good revenue generation plan. So, the author’s comparison is weaken here.

Lastly, the author mention that if West Cambria should raise its revenue and switch to commercial service. If they will switch to commercial service then people might use any other private service rather than West Cambria. If West Cambria provide ambulance service with basic facility and any other ambulance service provide more facility with less rate than customer will go to private ambulance service instated of West Cambria.

However, the author failed to relate many things which makes his/her argument weak has he/her failed to provide sufficient evidence to support his/her argument. He/her should have never compare volunteer and commercial service and also it clearly stated that volunteer service are not for commercial use. Then too he conclude that West Cambria should switch to commercial plan to raise their revenue which is not logical.
Kindly rate my awa   [#permalink] 03 Oct 2016, 09:58
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