In short, that is a sure way to get the thumbs down. Your goal is very generic-sounding and language such as "bring transformation to the current ways of functioning and deliver its services to the people in an efficient manner" is something that could be said by thousands of other applicants. You need to work on making your story your very own and yes, details can help. Also you seem to be falling into the typical trap of telling them what you want to do without telling them why, and actually the what is a bit vague to boot. You need to cast a compelling vision which is rooted in your core passions. Only then will the adcoms stand up and notice.
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