First off, thanks for posting this. I didn't want to just send a PM because other people should read it too. Just as a heads up, I have edited graduate school essays for several friends, got my undergrad in humanities, and used to teach writing. So I'm going to be completely honest. Starting out, all the underlined words are either totally inappropriate, made me roll my eyes or gag, and make you sound pretentious at best or a complete tool at worst. Not saying that all of these are bad words, but the frequency with which you use them is a huge turn-off for the reader.
My early undergraduate endeavor was fraught with uncertainty and illness that precluded me from obtaining academic success. During this time, my preoccupations rested with the ability to maintain stable employment, which relegated academic commitments to an afterthought. I ultimately completed my associate’s degree, albeit in a manner not indicative of my intellectual competency.
The desire to achieve my bachelor’s degree came to fruition several years later, but these intentions were met with resistance. At sixteen, I was diagnosed with ____________; this would remain in remission for nearly a decade. In autumn 2009, I
had resumed my studies, but soon relapsed. My academic performance suffered greatly during this period. As I physically improved, financial hardship dictated that my educational aspirations be placed on hold.
Spending your first two paragraphs on why your grades sucked doesn't strengthen your case for business school. Instead of going purely chronological, you might want to focus your essay on the experiences that really fueled your desire for marketing and getting an MBA. Currently, the first paragraph alone would ding you, not only are you vague, but talking about your "intellectual competency" has a huge ick-factor. The second paragraph at least you cite a better reason. Good to be honest and clear about this.
My professional experience began four years ago, when I was made manager of _______________. This position has allowed me to gain insight into multiple facets of business operations, including financial management, staffing, and marketing, which proved to be instrumental during my academic hiatus. The responsibilities that this position has instilled upon me have undoubtedly cultivated my passion for a career in business.
Some of my managerial responsibilities have been in marketing, such as with the development and implementation of cross-promotional campaigns. The managerial and marketing experience that I gained have served to focus my career aspirations. I realized that additional education would be required for any future advancement, so last winter, I chose to resume the pursuit of my bachelor’s degree. Since then, I have maintained full-time employment, while fulfilling my academic obligations. The grades that I have received during this period are indicative of a renewed academic vigor.
As the conclusion of my undergraduate studies nears, much thought has been placed into my future. Marketing has been the discipline that has given me the greatest satisfaction; the formulation and implementation of a strategy is something that appeals to me on both an intellectual and personal level. My undergraduate coursework in marketing has served to deepen this passion.
I wish to obtain a career with an internationally recognized corporation developing marketing strategies for their products. The consumer electronics industry has always fascinated me, and it is one that seems poised for growth, necessitating the need for strong marketing campaigns. A master’s of business administration degree, with a focus in marketing, would undoubtedly expand upon my present skill sets, while providing me with the necessary knowledge to obtain my career aspirations.
The ______________ School of Business offers a comprehensive management and marketing program that would be conducive towards my goal. The reputation of the university and its faculty, the comprehensive educational program, and the academic flexibility that is offered, are all leading factors in my decision to apply. I feel that my personal and professional experiences have served to strengthen my character by allowing me to develop into a highly responsible and motivated individual.
If your grades were quite strong at the end of your undergrad and combined with your GMAT, there aren't going to be many questions about being able to handle the material. You should expand on your professional experiences, but more importantly to be specific and clear about your goals and career progression. Your reasons for going to that school are generic and could be applied to any school.