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MBA SoP Review

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Joined: 19 Jan 2013
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GPA: 3.87
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MBA SoP Review [#permalink] New post 19 Jan 2013, 14:16
Hello everyone,

I am in the process of applying to multiple unnamed business schools, and I am having some difficulty with my Statement of Purpose. I have posted my first draft below, with some emissions, and was hoping for some constructive criticism. Please feel free to reply or message me directly. All comments will be greatly appreciated.

Requirements: "your Statement of Purpose should clearly and concisely describe your personal and professional objectives and your commitment to graduate study. (Length: approximately 300-500 words)"

*cannot adjust formatting for this post*

My early undergraduate endeavor was fraught with uncertainty and illness that precluded me from obtaining academic success. During this time, my preoccupations rested with the ability to maintain stable employment, which relegated academic commitments to an afterthought. I ultimately completed my associate’s degree, albeit in a manner not indicative of my intellectual competency.
The desire to achieve my bachelor’s degree came to fruition several years later, but these intentions were met with resistance. At sixteen, I was diagnosed with ____________; this would remain in remission for nearly a decade. In autumn 2009, I had resumed my studies, but soon relapsed. My academic performance suffered greatly during this period. As I physically improved, financial hardship dictated that my educational aspirations be placed on hold.
My professional experience began four years ago, when I was made manager of _______________. This position has allowed me to gain insight into multiple facets of business operations, including financial management, staffing, and marketing, which proved to be instrumental during my academic hiatus. The responsibilities that this position has instilled upon me have undoubtedly cultivated my passion for a career in business.
Some of my managerial responsibilities have been in marketing, such as with the development and implementation of cross-promotional campaigns. The managerial and marketing experience that I gained have served to focus my career aspirations. I realized that additional education would be required for any future advancement, so last winter, I chose to resume the pursuit of my bachelor’s degree. Since then, I have maintained full-time employment, while fulfilling my academic obligations. The grades that I have received during this period are indicative of a renewed academic vigor.
As the conclusion of my undergraduate studies nears, much thought has been placed into my future. Marketing has been the discipline that has given me the greatest satisfaction; the formulation and implementation of a strategy is something that appeals to me on both an intellectual and personal level. My undergraduate coursework in marketing has served to deepen this passion.
I wish to obtain a career with an internationally recognized corporation developing marketing strategies for their products. The consumer electronics industry has always fascinated me, and it is one that seems poised for growth, necessitating the need for strong marketing campaigns. A master’s of business administration degree, with a focus in marketing, would undoubtedly expand upon my present skill sets, while providing me with the necessary knowledge to obtain my career aspirations.
The ______________ School of Business offers a comprehensive management and marketing program that would be conducive towards my goal. The reputation of the university and its faculty, the comprehensive educational program, and the academic flexibility that is offered, are all leading factors in my decision to apply. I feel that my personal and professional experiences have served to strengthen my character by allowing me to develop into a highly responsible and motivated individual.
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Joined: 25 Jan 2012
Posts: 30
Location: United States
Concentration: Finance
Schools: Rice University (Jones) - Class of 2014
GMAT 1: 690 Q V0
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Kudos [?]: 19 [0], given: 9

Re: MBA SoP Review [#permalink] New post 30 Jan 2013, 08:29
First off, thanks for posting this. I didn't want to just send a PM because other people should read it too. Just as a heads up, I have edited graduate school essays for several friends, got my undergrad in humanities, and used to teach writing. So I'm going to be completely honest. Starting out, all the underlined words are either totally inappropriate, made me roll my eyes or gag, and make you sound pretentious at best or a complete tool at worst. Not saying that all of these are bad words, but the frequency with which you use them is a huge turn-off for the reader.

Boberts27 wrote:
My early undergraduate endeavor was fraught with uncertainty and illness that precluded me from obtaining academic success. During this time, my preoccupations rested with the ability to maintain stable employment, which relegated academic commitments to an afterthought. I ultimately completed my associate’s degree, albeit in a manner not indicative of my intellectual competency.
The desire to achieve my bachelor’s degree came to fruition several years later, but these intentions were met with resistance. At sixteen, I was diagnosed with ____________; this would remain in remission for nearly a decade. In autumn 2009, I had resumed my studies, but soon relapsed. My academic performance suffered greatly during this period. As I physically improved, financial hardship dictated that my educational aspirations be placed on hold.


Spending your first two paragraphs on why your grades sucked doesn't strengthen your case for business school. Instead of going purely chronological, you might want to focus your essay on the experiences that really fueled your desire for marketing and getting an MBA. Currently, the first paragraph alone would ding you, not only are you vague, but talking about your "intellectual competency" has a huge ick-factor. The second paragraph at least you cite a better reason. Good to be honest and clear about this.

Quote:
My professional experience began four years ago, when I was made manager of _______________. This position has allowed me to gain insight into multiple facets of business operations, including financial management, staffing, and marketing, which proved to be instrumental during my academic hiatus. The responsibilities that this position has instilled upon me have undoubtedly cultivated my passion for a career in business.
Some of my managerial responsibilities have been in marketing, such as with the development and implementation of cross-promotional campaigns. The managerial and marketing experience that I gained have served to focus my career aspirations. I realized that additional education would be required for any future advancement, so last winter, I chose to resume the pursuit of my bachelor’s degree. Since then, I have maintained full-time employment, while fulfilling my academic obligations. The grades that I have received during this period are indicative of a renewed academic vigor.
As the conclusion of my undergraduate studies nears, much thought has been placed into my future. Marketing has been the discipline that has given me the greatest satisfaction; the formulation and implementation of a strategy is something that appeals to me on both an intellectual and personal level. My undergraduate coursework in marketing has served to deepen this passion.
I wish to obtain a career with an internationally recognized corporation developing marketing strategies for their products. The consumer electronics industry has always fascinated me, and it is one that seems poised for growth, necessitating the need for strong marketing campaigns. A master’s of business administration degree, with a focus in marketing, would undoubtedly expand upon my present skill sets, while providing me with the necessary knowledge to obtain my career aspirations.
The ______________ School of Business offers a comprehensive management and marketing program that would be conducive towards my goal. The reputation of the university and its faculty, the comprehensive educational program, and the academic flexibility that is offered, are all leading factors in my decision to apply. I feel that my personal and professional experiences have served to strengthen my character by allowing me to develop into a highly responsible and motivated individual.


If your grades were quite strong at the end of your undergrad and combined with your GMAT, there aren't going to be many questions about being able to handle the material. You should expand on your professional experiences, but more importantly to be specific and clear about your goals and career progression. Your reasons for going to that school are generic and could be applied to any school.
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Joined: 17 Mar 2011
Posts: 453
Location: United States (DC)
Concentration: General Management, Technology
GMAT 1: 760 Q49 V45
GPA: 3.37
WE: Information Technology (Consulting)
Followers: 11

Kudos [?]: 153 [0], given: 5

Re: MBA SoP Review [#permalink] New post 03 Apr 2013, 10:31
I agree with histgirl - way too many $5 words, particularly in the first several sentences.

Also, you're way too vague about your work experience. How many people did you manage? For how long? What were you marketing? How specifically did you do that? Why is further education required for progression?

Something small that I noticed which applies to the rest of your essay is when you say you received good grades. Be more aggressive, you EARNED them. Your essay is very passive - 'things happened to you' isn't compelling, 'you did things' is.
Re: MBA SoP Review   [#permalink] 03 Apr 2013, 10:31
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