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My first AWA essay

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Joined: 14 Jun 2011
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Location: Bangalore, India
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My first AWA essay [#permalink] New post 14 Jun 2011, 22:14
Hi,

So I'll be giving my GMAT next monday (June 20, 2011). Thought it's about time I get working on the AWA part. During my Kaplan CAT, I got the following Argument Topic:
"Last summer saw a 500% increase in tourism at the seaside resort, and the national economic situation is even more favorable this year. This summer ’ s tourist boom will surely generate record revenues which will resolve the area ’ s economic difficulties."

This is the exact essay I wrote in the 30 minutes. Could you please have a go at it and let me know where my shortcomings are? Also, maybe a random guess as to what score I would get for this essay wouldn't be too bad either. :D

"The argument suggests that as a result of a better national and economic situation this year, the summer's tourist boom would generate record revenues, which would lead to the resolution of the economic difficulties being faced in the area. Although the argument makes important points that contribute to its validity, on closer observation we can observe that the argument fails to be convincing and consists of many flaws. The argument would be much more effective if its claims were better explained.

First of all, the claim that the national economic situation is favourable is quite vague. Although this might be true, the reader cannot find this to be convincing without any facts or figures which would show why the situation seems to be better this year. For example, a statement such as the exports of the area being at an all time high, or the revenues of the stores in the area being the best among nearby areas etc. would reflect light on this fact.

It then goes on to mention that this situation will lead to record revenues. How can this be concluded without knowing if in the previous years, a situation as good as this has been known to exist? Is the situation this year the most favourable ever? Or is there another coupling factor that would ensure record revenues for the tourist industry? The answers to these questions would ensure an informed conclusion regarding the revenues of the tourist industry.


Secondly, the relation between the tourist boom and the national economic situation is not explored. Is there a direct relationship between these two factors which ensures the boom of the tourist with the strengthening of the national economic situation? Could there be other factors as well which could effect the tourist boom as well? If so, what are these factors and how have these factors been varying? The argument fails to address any of these issues and hence, leaves the reader wondering about the accuracy of the claim.

Thirdly, the economic condition of the area is directly attributed to the tourism industry. Is the tourism industry the most important contributor to the economy of the area? What about the other factors that might affect the economy? The argument relies upon the assumption that the tourist boom would be vital to the economy. Hence, this assumption must be justified completely.

In conclusion, the argument is flawed for the above-mentioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing. It could be considerably strengthened if the author clearly mentioned all the relevant facts regarding the national economic situation, the expected tourist boom and its relevance to the economy of the area. Without this information, the argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate."
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Intern
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Joined: 14 Jun 2011
Posts: 26
Location: Bangalore, India
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Kudos [?]: 13 [0], given: 2

Re: My first AWA essay [#permalink] New post 14 Jun 2011, 22:16
Also, my score came out as 760. Is the actual GMAT score considerably different from the Kaplan CATs?
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Location: United States (PA)
Concentration: Entrepreneurship, Technology
GMAT 1: 710 Q48 V38
GPA: 3.2
WE: Information Technology (Computer Software)
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Kudos [?]: 3 [0], given: 0

Re: My first AWA essay [#permalink] New post 15 Jun 2011, 07:24
All the best with your GMAT!!

760 on the practice test is an excellent score.

As for your essay, it is very well written. I would rate it very high (5-6). I like the clarity of your arguments and your reasoning.

This is by no means meant to be a negative comment and I'm not arguing for one way or other. Personally, for my writing I try to avoid posing questions in my arguments, instead I restructure the sentence as a statement. e.g. instead of "Or is there another coupling factor that would ensure record revenues for the tourist industry?", I would say "Perhaps, there is another coupling factor that would ensure record revenues for the tourist industry.".
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Intern
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Joined: 14 Jun 2011
Posts: 26
Location: Bangalore, India
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Kudos [?]: 13 [0], given: 2

Re: My first AWA essay [#permalink] New post 15 Jun 2011, 07:28
Thank you for the input. I think I like your way of rephrasing the questions. Now that I read my essay again, I see the plethora of questions present in it! :P
Re: My first AWA essay   [#permalink] 15 Jun 2011, 07:28
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