My first essay please rate it.. On average, middle-aged .... : Analytical Writing Assessment (AWA)
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# My first essay please rate it.. On average, middle-aged ....

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Manager
Joined: 22 Jan 2012
Posts: 90
Location: India
Concentration: General Management, Technology
GMAT 1: Q39 V29
GPA: 3.3
WE: Engineering (Consulting)
Followers: 6

Kudos [?]: 102 [0], given: 9

My first essay please rate it.. On average, middle-aged .... [#permalink]

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16 Jul 2012, 07:30
The following appeared in the opinion column of a financial magazine:
“On average, middle-aged consumers devote 39 percent of their retail expenditure to department store
products and services, while for younger consumers the average is only 25 percent. Since the number of middle-aged people will increase dramatically within the next decade, department stores can expect retail sales to increase significantly during that period. Furthermore, to take advantage of the trend, these stores should begin to replace some of those products intended to attract the younger consumer with products intended to attract the middle-aged consumer.”

Response :

The argument cites that the retail store expenditure of middle aged people is be more than the young people [ 39 % from middle aged and 25% from young people]. At first glance the argument appears coherent, convincing and legitimate. However, looking into the depths of the argument and its structure, a number of flaws are evident to such an extent that neither the argument nor its conclusion could be taken into account seriously. The argument’s pivotal shortcomings include the addressed assumptions without enough support and lack of examples to strengthen its conclusion.

Firstly, the argument oversimplified the data. It assumed that just because middle aged people devoted more percentage towards departmental stores spending would result in higher revenues, but in practical the more percentage of spending from middle aged groups doesn’t mean that they are generating more revenues when compared to young people. What if young people have spared more budget towards the retail store expenditure when compared to middle aged group.

Secondly, the expected dramatic increase in the middle aged group in never supported in the argument through any statistical data. Moreover, just because the middle aged group people are increasing doesn’t mean that the current trend would continue in the future. So, without answering these questions the expectations on retail revenue increase because of middle aged people could be unfounded.

Lastly , the arguments suggests to replace some of those products intended to attract the younger consumer with products intended to attract the middle-aged consumer could lead to undesired consequences if it fails to consider the following facts. What if the trend is reversed in the next ten years?. Also, considering the current technological trend the goods which could attract the young people may enter the market which could undermine the argument’s conclusion.

Overall , the argument ,in its current state, consists of blatant flaws. So the argument is not convincing as it stands. The argument should have provided support to its assumptions and a few examples to strengthen the conclusion in order to foolproof the argument.

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Re: My first essay please rate it.. On average, middle-aged .... [#permalink]

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16 Jul 2012, 09:00
iwillcrackgmat wrote:
The following appeared in the opinion column of a financial magazine:
“On average, middle-aged consumers devote 39 percent of their retail expenditure to department store
products and services, while for younger consumers the average is only 25 percent. Since the number of middle-aged people will increase dramatically within the next decade, department stores can expect retail sales to increase significantly during that period. Furthermore, to take advantage of the trend, these stores should begin to replace some of those products intended to attract the younger consumer with products intended to attract the middle-aged consumer.”

Response :

The argument cites that the retail store expenditure of middle aged people is be more than the young people [ 39 % from middle aged and 25% from young people]. At first glance the argument appears coherent, convincing and legitimate. However, looking into the depths of the argument and its structure, a number of flaws are evident to such an extent that neither the argument nor its conclusion could be taken into account seriously. The argument’s pivotal shortcomings include the addressed assumptions without enough support and lack of examples to strengthen its conclusion.

Firstly, the argument oversimplified the data. It assumed that just because middle aged people devoted more percentage towards departmental stores spending would result in higher revenues, but in practical the more percentage of spending from middle aged groups doesn’t mean that they are generating more revenues when compared to young people. What if young people have spared more budget towards the retail store expenditure when compared to middle aged group.

Secondly, the expected dramatic increase in the middle aged group in never supported in the argument through any statistical data. Moreover, just because the middle aged group people are increasing doesn’t mean that the current trend would continue in the future. So, without answering these questions the expectations on retail revenue increase because of middle aged people could be unfounded.

Lastly , the arguments suggests to replace some of those products intended to attract the younger consumer with products intended to attract the middle-aged consumer could lead to undesired consequences if it fails to consider the following facts. What if the trend is reversed in the next ten years?. Also, considering the current technological trend the goods which could attract the young people may enter the market which could undermine the argument’s conclusion.

Overall , the argument ,in its current state, consists of blatant flaws. So the argument is not convincing as it stands. The argument should have provided support to its assumptions and a few examples to strengthen the conclusion in order to foolproof the argument.
3

It pains me to give such a low score to this essay. It's clear that a lot of care went into it; it's following the organized template clearly, it completes the task, and (I think) it is well reasoned. Unfortunately, the language barrier is to much. Multiple run-on sentences and sentence fragments interfere severely with understanding. Don't force yourself to use "fancy" language to look formal or proper! Stick with simple sentences and simple vocabulary, get the grammar and style right, then work from there on increasing complexity and variety.
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Manager
Joined: 22 Jan 2012
Posts: 90
Location: India
Concentration: General Management, Technology
GMAT 1: Q39 V29
GPA: 3.3
WE: Engineering (Consulting)
Followers: 6

Kudos [?]: 102 [0], given: 9

Re: My first essay please rate it.. On average, middle-aged .... [#permalink]

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16 Jul 2012, 09:37
Thank you so much.
_________________

Press +1 Kudos rather than saying thanks
which is more helpful infact..

Ill be posting good questions as many as I can...

Towards Success

Re: My first essay please rate it.. On average, middle-aged ....   [#permalink] 16 Jul 2012, 09:37
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# My first essay please rate it.. On average, middle-aged ....

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