Intern
Joined: 31 Oct 2012
Posts: 49
Location: Korea, Republic of
GPA: 3.9
WE:Education (Education)
Re: Please review my essay
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24 Mar 2013, 10:04
Your essay is very good. It is well reasoned and supported. At 362 words the length is acceptable.
Here's a few specific comments:
-Your grammar and structure is very good, but your opening sentence is quite awkward. Don't let a poor opening sentence give the person grading your essay a poor first impression of your ability. Try something simpler like "Teaching is one of the most respected professions."
-Read up on parenthetical commas. You could phrase your second sentence like so: "It is also, without a doubt, one of the hardest." See what I did?
-Eliminate "are the ones." You don't need it. And it sounds odd.
-"solid salary" is not a correct collocation. Try simply "high salary."
-You can use parenthetical commas in your body as well: We may take, for example, a kid who has..."
-In an essay "child" is more appropriate than "kid." The latter is too informal.
-Try to make your second body paragraph longer. Neither of your body paragraphs should be shorter than your introduction.
I hope these comments help! Feel free to re-post your work after making changes and I can take another look.