MBA SoP Review

Hello everyone,

I am in the process of applying to multiple unnamed business schools, and I am having some difficulty with my Statement of Purpose. I have posted my first draft below, with some emissions, and was hoping for some constructive criticism. Please feel free to reply or message me directly. All comments will be greatly appreciated.

Requirements: "your Statement of Purpose should clearly and concisely describe your personal and professional objectives and your commitment to graduate study. (Length: approximately 300-500 words)"

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My early undergraduate endeavor was fraught with uncertainty and illness that precluded me from obtaining academic success. During this time, my preoccupations rested with the ability to maintain stable employment, which relegated academic commitments to an afterthought. I ultimately completed my associate’s degree, albeit in a manner not indicative of my intellectual competency.
The desire to achieve my bachelor’s degree came to fruition several years later, but these intentions were met with resistance. At sixteen, I was diagnosed with ____________; this would remain in remission for nearly a decade. In autumn 2009, I had resumed my studies, but soon relapsed. My academic performance suffered greatly during this period. As I physically improved, financial hardship dictated that my educational aspirations be placed on hold.
My professional experience began four years ago, when I was made manager of _______________. This position has allowed me to gain insight into multiple facets of business operations, including financial management, staffing, and marketing, which proved to be instrumental during my academic hiatus. The responsibilities that this position has instilled upon me have undoubtedly cultivated my passion for a career in business.
Some of my managerial responsibilities have been in marketing, such as with the development and implementation of cross-promotional campaigns. The managerial and marketing experience that I gained have served to focus my career aspirations. I realized that additional education would be required for any future advancement, so last winter, I chose to resume the pursuit of my bachelor’s degree. Since then, I have maintained full-time employment, while fulfilling my academic obligations. The grades that I have received during this period are indicative of a renewed academic vigor.
As the conclusion of my undergraduate studies nears, much thought has been placed into my future. Marketing has been the discipline that has given me the greatest satisfaction; the formulation and implementation of a strategy is something that appeals to me on both an intellectual and personal level. My undergraduate coursework in marketing has served to deepen this passion.
I wish to obtain a career with an internationally recognized corporation developing marketing strategies for their products. The consumer electronics industry has always fascinated me, and it is one that seems poised for growth, necessitating the need for strong marketing campaigns. A master’s of business administration degree, with a focus in marketing, would undoubtedly expand upon my present skill sets, while providing me with the necessary knowledge to obtain my career aspirations.
The ______________ School of Business offers a comprehensive management and marketing program that would be conducive towards my goal. The reputation of the university and its faculty, the comprehensive educational program, and the academic flexibility that is offered, are all leading factors in my decision to apply. I feel that my personal and professional experiences have served to strengthen my character by allowing me to develop into a highly responsible and motivated individual.