Rhyme has done a good job evaluating the application. I agree with most of the posters that the biggest problem seems to be his somewhat unclear goals. I have had the same problem in my goals essays .. I haven't been able to make them very clear.
hbs.aspirant wrote:
"However, at EWBLA I felt that most members were treating chapter activities either as opportunities for having social
gatherings or as a fashion or status symbol." Part judgmental, may be honest but schools will not like this if next thing you say is, "To avoid further conflict within the team I gradually reduced my inputs and started looking for other avenues to volunteer." If there was so much concern about victims as to make judgment that was made in the first statement, one must never give up the efforts for few people not collaborating.
You brought up interesting points and I completely agree with you. I agree that the first statement is judgmental and will not seem good to the adcom. Also, if you are so concerned about the 'cause', then you would certainly not give it up because others are not sincerely working for it. In fact, my belief is that for every one person that is completely devoted to the cause, there are another 50+ people who would start working for the cause with a bang only to move away in a few days or weeks. Those 50+ people may have started the work as a fashion/status symbol, they may have had just a brief urge to do something for the community or humanity or they may have found the work more involving than they first thought. But this does not mean that they don't want good for the cause. And this does not mean that the cause can't get any value out of them.
Anybody who has attempted to raise awareness for a good cause would know that you desperately need those 50+ people even if you know that they aren't completely devoted to the cause. If nothing else, they can help you tremendously with viral marketing (By telling friends, posting on their forums / social websites etc). Even their brief urges to do good for the community provide you $$$ through donations and viral marketing that are simply invaluable for the cause. There is this one girl who had this urge to help our 'school for poor ' one day. She told me that she was sending an email about our school to 6000+ members of her community in a social website. I don't care if that girl did this only to show off to her friends that she was doing something good or if she just had a moment of truth. Bottomline is that she had put our school on the radars of 6000+ people in one go. Her contribution is by no means lesser than that of people like this Wharton applicant who has perhaps spent many many hours volunteering or that of anybody else.
There are millions of people who turn a blind eye to all social causes or make fun of people involved in social causes. In such a world, how can you complain about people who are at least aware of the needs of the community and who are at least making the effort of coming to a social event?
BTW, great post, dosa. This application review thread may help 2009 applicants a lot (Depending on the kind of comments people post here). Kudos to you.