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Please Grade My IELTS Essay......Need to achieve 8.0.....

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Please Grade My IELTS Essay......Need to achieve 8.0..... [#permalink] New post 05 Dec 2012, 18:42
hi all,

Following is the my first post in this forum. It is required to get band 8.0 in my IELTS writing exam. Si I really appreciate if you can provide me a band for this and your expertise thoughts to achieve me the required band . your responses are highly welcome.

Thanks

Children are the most precious things on Earth, they are the future and it is duty for all parents to
provide the best environment for their growth to maturity. Because children are in the process
of developing physical, cognitive, social, and emotional skills, their inter-actions with the physical
environment can have long-lasting effects. Children grow up in the cities or countryside has it’s own
pros and cons.

First of all , today it is imperative for any child to have a strong academic background to cope up with
the ever changing technology . In fact city offers better education and career opportunities suggests
that growing up in the city is a much better option compared to the countryside. The children who grow
up in the big cities have a better choice for education because there are more schools, colleges and
universities in big cities than the countryside. These schools offer more experienced and knowledgeable
teachers or lecturers, and more advanced education systems as compared with those in the countryside.
This benefits the children because through these exclusive features, they are exposed to a wider range
of knowledge. Armed with better education background, children whom have grown up in the cities are
equipped with better capabilities.

In addition, In Cities we have a blend of people from different regions, religions & ethnicities. Bringing
up our child in this diverse environment will help him to understand the nuances of different cultures,
religions and regions. People with different backgrounds has helped in better understanding of their
cultures. So there are no chance children to become socially marginalized. They build up the severed
social ties. Cast System, Ethnicity , Religion etc. are no longer valid reasons and there is no room for the
conventional ideas just like in the Village.

Furthermore ,big cities motivate your child with all the people who are succeeding around it. Your child
sees that if they work hard it can succeed too. They can be financially good , have dinners in expensive
restaurants and hotels and will be able to go on vacation to the most exotic and beautiful places that
has always dreamed about. Child is motivated when it sees all that opportunities and success in front of
him. If you live in a small town you will maybe get more ambitious because you have never seen in your
life a man that could afford all those things.

Last but not least, children can also enjoy their lives in maximum and develop many hobbies in the
city. They can learn to play piano, painting and dancing, to name a few which are impossible in the
countryside. For a instance , if a children good at aesthetic sports such like athletics and basketball , he
won’t be able to find the enough facilities in the villeage but in the city you can.

However, Cities provide this much of advantages it’s negative side cannot be overlooked. Some people
argue that the countryside also a ideal place for children to grow up. For one thing, it is less polluted
than the city. The air is fresh in the countryside. The sky is blue and the water is clearer. Living in such a
place is good to the children’s health. Because children will have less resistance power, they are more
prone to different illnesses such as flu, throat infections etc.

Apart from that , In cities most of the children have to live in isolation and eventually develop unhealthy
dietary habits. Most probably they live far from their parents and tend to consume unhealthy diets
such like fast foods. Although children growth is slower than in infancy, school-aged children still have
high nutritional needs but fairly small appetites. So it's crucial all meals and snacks continue to be rich

in nutrients and energy. The food choices children make during the crucial years of development can
influence their future health risk and can also influence food habits in later life.

In conclusion, the place which is as perfect as paradise does not exist in the real world. The most
important thing is that we should consider what children's feelings and emotions to know what they
really want. Everyone's life is always full of good and bad experiences. The key is to appreciate them and
find a way of turning a negative situation
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Re: Please Grade My IELTS Essay......Need to achieve 8.0..... [#permalink] New post 28 Dec 2012, 20:06
May I ask.... Doesn't that essay have too many words/information?

I have never taken IELTS before, but I'm going to have a test next week.

There are some run-on&fragment sentences and Subject-Verb agreement, for example....
""

In addition, In Cities we have a blend of people from different regions, religions & ethnicities. Bringing
up our child in this diverse environment will help him to understand the nuances of different cultures,
religions and regions. People with different backgrounds has helped in better understanding of their
cultures. So there are no chance children to become socially marginalized. They build up the severed
social ties. Cast System, Ethnicity , Religion etc. are no longer valid reasons and there is no room for the
conventional ideas just like in the Village.""
Re: Please Grade My IELTS Essay......Need to achieve 8.0.....   [#permalink] 28 Dec 2012, 20:06
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