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Pleas rate my essay on "big/small city"....thank u so much

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Pleas rate my essay on "big/small city"....thank u so much [#permalink] New post 14 Dec 2010, 13:11
Hey guys,

I have read quite a lot in this awesome forum and I eventually decided to become a member as well. As probably most of you, I started preparing for the TOEFL and want to do the GMAT afterwards.

Could someone please read my essay and give me an indication of whether it is good or not and what I can improve. Thank you so much in advance.

Topic: "Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you prefer to live in? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer."

Some people prefer to live in big cities, whereas others see more advantages in living in a small town. I clearly prefer to live in a big city due to several reasons.

First of all, a big city offers so much more to do. Living in a city with a decent size means that there are sufficient facilities such as museums, cinemas and other places available to the public. These places offer a large variety of activities and hence the probability of being bored decreases drastically. For instance, if someone is lonely in his or her apartment the person might just go out and enjoy the city life, whereas a person in a small town would probably only be able to go for a walk. So, it should be clear that a big city provides more opportunities and activities than a small town.
Another reason for living in a big city is the infrastructure. Usually, there are lots of train and subway routes, buses and other ways to quickly get from one place to another. In the contrary, you always need a car for pretty much everything you do in a small town. For example, if you wish to visit a friend in a different part of the city you just go to the closest subway station, take the next train and are at your friend’s place in time. The extraordinary opportunities to get from one place to another in a big city are real advantages as you do not even need to have a car and hence save a lot of money on fuel, insurances and so on.
The most important reason is probably the close proximity within a big city. No matter what you like to do and no matter where you want to go, everything is only a couple of minutes away from you. If you, for example, decide to go to the movies late in the evening and you live in a small town, it is very likely that you won’t be in the cinema on time due to the long time it takes to get to it. On the other hand, if you live in a big city you call a friend, arrange a meeting point and finally meet a few minutes later.
To summarize, there are different arguments to the issue above, but it should become obvious that reasons for living in a big city outweigh the opponent’s reasons. Not only the large variety of activities and the superb infrastructure but also the close proximity to all kinds of facilities showed the advantages of living in a big city.


Cheers
PeterPaul
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Re: Pleas rate my essay on "big/small city"....thank u so much [#permalink] New post 14 Dec 2010, 19:39
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Hi PeterPaul, welcome to GMAT Club!

My opinion about your essay:

I think the ideas are OK but a bit overlapped. You could have talked, for example, about job opportunities/career progress/diversity.

The structure is good, and your writing style is also good. I would score > 25 for sure. I scored 29 with something similar.

BTW, I see some mistakes, such as:
"more advantages in living" ---> more advantages of living
"I clearly prefer to live" ---> living
"First of all, a big city offers so much more to do." more what? things/activities?
"In the contrary" --> On the contrary
and some others

Good luck and see you around!

PS: I'm not an expert! :)
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Re: Pleas rate my essay on "big/small city"....thank u so much [#permalink] New post 15 Dec 2010, 01:49
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PeterPaul wrote:
Are the reasons I state relevant for my score though?


Good question.

In my view the reasons/ideas/examples you write about should be somehow relevant for your score. I don't think you would score a 30 if your writing is perfect but you write about a different topic or giving silly ideas. But again, this is my opinion and I may be wrong because this is not AWA.


PeterPaul wrote:
In your opinion, what can I do in order to perform better?


It's difficult to tell you. Of course if you don't make any error you will score higher, but you can score a 29-30 with some mistakes too. I suggest you to let the last 5 minutes to search for typos.
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Re: Pleas rate my essay on "big/small city"....thank u so much [#permalink] New post 15 Dec 2010, 01:34
Hey rid82,

thank you very much for the welcome and your opinion on my essay.

I totally got your point. Indeed, I could have thought about a wider range of reasons. Especially the last two reasons are overlapped. A general question: Are the reasons I state relevant for my score though?

In your opinion, what can I do in order to perform better? I mean, you scored W29, right?! ^^

Again, thank you a lot for your quick response.

Cheers
PeterPaul
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Re: Pleas rate my essay on "big/small city"....thank u so much [#permalink] New post 17 Dec 2010, 12:08
I thing, our writing level is same. And I got 4,5/5 in the second section of the writing. The crucial point in the writing is to give an example to all your idea..
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Re: Pleas rate my essay on "big/small city"....thank u so much [#permalink] New post 02 Jan 2011, 22:38
PeterPaul wrote:
Hey guys,

I have read quite a lot in this awesome forum and I eventually decided to become a member as well. As probably most of you, I started preparing for the TOEFL and want to do the GMAT afterwards.

Could someone please read my essay and give me an indication of whether it is good or not and what I can improve. Thank you so much in advance.

Topic: "Some people prefer to live in a small town. Others prefer to live in a big city. Which place would you prefer to live in? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer."

Some people prefer to live in big cities, whereas others see more advantages in living in a small town. I clearly prefer to live in a big city due to several reasons.

First of all, a big city offers so much more to do. Living in a city with a decent size means that there are sufficient facilities such as museums, cinemas and other places available to the public. These places offer a large variety of activities and hence the probability of being bored decreases drastically. For instance, if someone is lonely in his or her apartment the person might just go out and enjoy the city life, whereas a person in a small town would probably only be able to go for a walk. So, it should be clear that a big city provides more opportunities and activities than a small town.
Another reason for living in a big city is the infrastructure. Usually, there are lots of train and subway routes, buses and other ways to quickly get from one place to another. In the contrary, you always need a car for pretty much everything you do in a small town. For example, if you wish to visit a friend in a different part of the city you just go to the closest subway station, take the next train and are at your friend’s place in time. The extraordinary opportunities to get from one place to another in a big city are real advantages as you do not even need to have a car and hence save a lot of money on fuel, insurances and so on.
The most important reason is probably the close proximity within a big city. No matter what you like to do and no matter where you want to go, everything is only a couple of minutes away from you. If you, for example, decide to go to the movies late in the evening and you live in a small town, it is very likely that you won’t be in the cinema on time due to the long time it takes to get to it. On the other hand, if you live in a big city you call a friend, arrange a meeting point and finally meet a few minutes later.
To summarize, there are different arguments to the issue above, but it should become obvious that reasons for living in a big city outweigh the opponent’s reasons. Not only the large variety of activities and the superb infrastructure but also the close proximity to all kinds of facilities showed the advantages of living in a big city.


Cheers
PeterPaul



Hi,

I think the essay is really good. The only criticism I could come up with is the length. It could have been a little longer, nearer to 500 words. I found only one grammatical error “in the contrary…” so you pretty much do not have to worry about that all.

All the best!
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Re: Pleas rate my essay on "big/small city"....thank u so much [#permalink] New post 03 Jan 2011, 02:26
Hey,

@samidh:

I recently received my score....116! I am really satisfied as it more than fullfils the minimum requirements of all Business Schools I am going to apply for.

With regard to the writing section. I scored 30/30 and the quality and quantity was pretty the same like the essay above. I was very delighted as my independent essay had only 320 words....So I guess, contrary to what you (samidh) and many other people said, the number of words is not as important as it appears.

Anyway, thanks so much for all your comments...

Cheers
PeterPaul
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Re: Pleas rate my essay on "big/small city"....thank u so much [#permalink] New post 03 Jan 2011, 02:53
Re: Pleas rate my essay on "big/small city"....thank u so much   [#permalink] 03 Jan 2011, 02:53
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