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Please assess my AWA passage

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Please assess my AWA passage [#permalink] New post 14 Nov 2013, 00:30
Argument
------------------------------
The following appeared in a memorandum from the business department of the Apogee Company: "When the Apogee Company had all its operations in one location,it was more profitable than it is today. Therefore, the Apogee Company should close down its field offices and conduct all its operations from a single location. Such centralization would improve profitability by cutting costs and helping the company maintain better supervision of all employees." Discuss how well reasoned...etc

Passage
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The stated argument misses some important considerations which must be addressed to substantiate the argument. Simply stating a single reason for loss that its numerous field offices and large workforce are resulting in loss to the company, doesn't provide enough evidence. Also, without any facts and figures this argument is not justifiable. There can be other possible reasons which may be acting in loss to the company such as inefficient or surplus workforce, inappropriate selection of location for few field offices, bad high level administration, lack in effective leadership etc.

Certainly there would have been a reason which made the company to decentralize and expand to field or regional offices. Field offices are meant for reaching the customers in their regions for better services and sales. These offices are also important to give a feel of global presence of the company and make a company a multi national company. This certainly adds value to a company. Closing these offices would give an open opportunity and open ground to other competitors to grab a greater consumer base by reaching to the them to their closest, hence, cutting the existing customers of Apogee company. In addition, it would reduce the customer reach, increase the time of services to customer and certainly would make the company from a global player to regional player where the main office is based.

Secondly as mentioned above that one reason for loss can be inefficient and surplus workforce. If workforce recruited is not competent enough to get the business for company or the recruited workforce is more than what is actually required, it would add to the loss of company. Paying greater salaries to such people as compared to sales they are getting for company would act in loss.

Also, another possibility is bad administration or lack of leadership qualities. Even if he company closes its field offices and centralises itself to a single office, lags in high level administration and effective leadership, still would exist. Hence, profitability can't be achieved. Proper guidance and effective leadership are key factors for a company's growth.

Because the argument fails to address various possible key causes as mentioned above, it is not sound or persuasive. The company rather should look for loopholes within the company and adopt some kind of tracking system for sales made by an employee. It would have been more effective and convincing if argument would have addressed the above mentioned points rather than solely going for a single cause.
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Re: Please assess my AWA passage [#permalink] New post 21 Nov 2013, 17:05
Expert's post
Hmm. I think you require a bit of a better template.

Intros should be real simple- A couple of sentences PARAPHRASING the premises and conclusion and another saying something is wrong with the logic.

Body paragraphs: Each of these should basically outline the Flawed Assumption/wrongful Conclusion, explicitly, then explain this in 1 or 2 sentences (ie attack it) and then 1 or 2 sentences explaining how the writer's argument can be strengthened (although this last you can leave until the end).

The conclusion can simply be two very short sentences restating that the argument is flawed, etc etc.

Basically please try to avoid giving prescriptive and normative opinions or making your own assumptions . This is not an argumentative essay but one in which you attack the logic of the argument made.

As it stands now you have several good elements but these are not organized yet in the best manner possible.

I would give about a 2-2.5
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Re: Please assess my AWA passage   [#permalink] 21 Nov 2013, 17:05
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