Hmm. I think you require a bit of a better template.
Intros should be real simple- A couple of sentences PARAPHRASING the premises and conclusion and another saying something is wrong with the logic.
Body paragraphs: Each of these should basically outline the Flawed Assumption/wrongful Conclusion, explicitly, then explain this in 1 or 2 sentences (ie attack it) and then 1 or 2 sentences explaining how the writer's argument can be strengthened (although this last you can leave until the end).
The conclusion can simply be two very short sentences restating that the argument is flawed, etc etc.
Basically please try to avoid giving prescriptive and normative opinions or making your own assumptions . This is not an argumentative essay but one in which you attack the logic of the argument made.
As it stands now you have several good elements but these are not organized yet in the best manner possible.
I would give about a 2-2.5
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