Find all School-related info fast with the new School-Specific MBA Forum

It is currently 21 Oct 2014, 00:00

Close

GMAT Club Daily Prep

Thank you for using the timer - this advanced tool can estimate your performance and suggest more practice questions. We have subscribed you to Daily Prep Questions via email.

Customized
for You

we will pick new questions that match your level based on your Timer History

Track
Your Progress

every week, we’ll send you an estimated GMAT score based on your performance

Practice
Pays

we will pick new questions that match your level based on your Timer History

Not interested in getting valuable practice questions and articles delivered to your email? No problem, unsubscribe here.

Events & Promotions

Events & Promotions in June
Open Detailed Calendar

Please check my personal statement.

  Question banks Downloads My Bookmarks Reviews Important topics  
Author Message
TAGS:
Manager
Manager
User avatar
Joined: 27 Nov 2006
Posts: 58
Followers: 1

Kudos [?]: 6 [0], given: 0

Please check my personal statement. [#permalink] New post 23 Apr 2008, 09:31
Marketing has always been my ultimate goal and a desire to master new concepts and techniques has influenced my choice to involve computing and business in my graduate studies. A degree in Marketing would provide me the skills and knowledge to fulfil my long-term ambition of becoming a brand manager as well as managing a business in the computer related sector.
Although I suffered a lot through my early academic career due to lack of interest in physical science, but thanks to my low grades, I wasn’t able to become a doctor or an engineer. My interest in studies quickly gained momentum as I got admission into bachelor’s program. My ranking in class skyrocketed: from one of the top ten students from the bottom of my secondary school class, I became the top student of my university and am entitled to a gold medal for standing 1st in my class as well as in my batch.
I choose BBA-IT to gain knowledge about both computers and management. This degree not only increased my knowledge of business from a layman’s level to that of an (immature/amateur) businessperson but also helped me understand how modern day business activities are conducted in a digital environment and how computer technologies could be used to gather data about, provide services and gain competitive advantage over competitors.
After completing my degree, I decided to further sharpen my knowledge of business in the field of Marketing. Unfortunately, in the view of our employers, a bachelor’s degree wasn’t enough and thus I needed an MBA degree to apply for any job related to marketing. Due to some problem at my home, I couldn’t leave my city and thus had to forlorn some good MBA programs and had to go with the MBA program provided by the same campus from which I did bachelors. Just as I expected, the MBA degree from my university wasn’t what I needed. With only four marketing subjects, each taught in a very orthodox manner of just cramming theories and concepts, disheartened me. That’s why I have decided to fill the void by pursuing a proper and rigorous M.Sc Marketing degree.
Although I don’t have any outstanding practical experience, my two months internship at passport office, which is noted for its state of the art computer system, exposed me to a professional business environment. I have also written a research paper as part of my MBA degree on cell industry.
In my spare time I enjoy socializing and participating in sports activities. After leaving junior school, I played badminton once a week on weekends. I also played tennis during the summer and football too. Being selected as captain for a football team at the local football club developed my team leadership skills and was very rewarding. Although I spent a great deal of my time socializing, however, education has remained my main focus
My committed nature has made me a very hard working and conscientious student. My main focus in furthering business studies is to learn in depth about marketing and pursue my career in brand management.
I very much look forward to the challenge and rewards of university life and am confident it will enable me to fulfill my ambitions and lead to a rewarding career.
1 KUDOS received
GMAT Club Legend
GMAT Club Legend
avatar
Affiliations: HHonors Diamond, BGS Honor Society
Joined: 05 Apr 2006
Posts: 5925
Schools: Chicago (Booth) - Class of 2009
GMAT 1: 730 Q45 V45
WE: Business Development (Consumer Products)
Followers: 256

Kudos [?]: 1577 [1] , given: 7

Premium Member
Re: Please check my personal statement. [#permalink] New post 23 Apr 2008, 10:30
1
This post received
KUDOS
I'm at home sick, so what the heck, why not.

computer-bot wrote:
Marketing has always been my ultimate goal and a desire to master new concepts and techniques has influenced my choice to involve computing and business in my graduate studies. A degree in Marketing would provide me the skills and knowledge to fulfil my long-term ambition of becoming a brand manager as well as managing a business in the computer related sector.


A little confusing here. You have several distinct thoughts in the first sentence that muddle things up a bit. The first is that you want to do marketing, the second is that you want to master new concepts and the third involves computing and business (which arguably could be a 3rd and 4th concept). I get the impression you are trying to join a lot of ideas here - keep it simple. Even in the second sentence it seems to have two parts - brand management but ALSO managing a business in the computer industry? You need one goal, or at least, make it clear which one is short term and which one is long term. (You say both are long term). A clearer opening might read (Im not saying use this, just compare it to the above):


I've always been fascinated by Marketing and this has influenced my decision to pursue an Masters education. A degree in Marketing is necessary for me to develop the requisite skills for my short term goal of becoming a brand manager, ideally focused in the technology sector.


Quote:
Although I suffered a lot through my early academic career due to lack of interest in physical science, but thanks to my low grades, I wasn’t able to become a doctor or an engineer.


This is a little confusing... The phrasing is a bit off. Although X, but Y means that Y should be a positive thing - here you have Although X, but Y where Y is also negative. Why would you want to highlight that you couldnt be a doctor? That just makes me wonder if you really want an MBA -- or is it really an MA in biology you want? I'd remove the above.

Quote:
My interest in studies quickly gained momentum as I got admission into bachelor’s program. My ranking in class skyrocketed: from one of the top ten students from the bottom of my secondary school class, I became the top student of my university and am entitled to a gold medal for standing 1st in my class as well as in my batch.

Minor thing here - it should read class skyrocketed: from the bottom of my secondary school class, to one of the top ten students otherwise it doesn't make sense (the way you wrote it, it sounds like you are actually saying you got worse).

Another thing. "batch" might make sense in your school, but it isn't a particularly common term. Maybe you mean "in my year?" More importantly though, your suggestion that you are "entitled to a gold medal" is really odd. Besides sounding pretty awkward and kind of arrogant, it also seems to say that getting good grades for you was such an achievement -- so unlikely to happen again -- that it should be forever remembered..... not exactly what you want to say! I think its fine to say that you did well, but this business about the medal doesn't belong.

Quote:
I choose BBA-IT to gain knowledge about both computers and management. This degree not only increased my knowledge of business from a layman’s level to that of an (immature/amateur) businessperson but also helped me understand how modern day business activities are conducted in a digital environment and how computer technologies could be used to gather data about, provide services and gain competitive advantage over competitors.

A little wordy .... I'd suggest loosing the immature part as that does nothing for your application.

Quote:
After completing my degree, I decided to further sharpen my knowledge of business in the field of Marketing. Unfortunately, in the view of our employers, a bachelor’s degree wasn’t enough and thus I needed an MBA degree to apply for any job related to marketing. Due to some problem at my home, I couldn’t leave my city and thus had to forlorn some good MBA programs and had to go with the MBA program provided by the same campus from which I did bachelors. Just as I expected, the MBA degree from my university wasn’t what I needed. With only four marketing subjects, each taught in a very orthodox manner of just cramming theories and concepts, disheartened me. That’s why I have decided to fill the void by pursuing a proper and rigorous M.Sc Marketing degree.

I'd be a little careful in how you phrase things here. You don't want to sound like you are saying your experience wasn't good - or else I might worry what you will say about your Msc later. Most importantly though, ESPECIALLY for an MSc, you should expect a LOT OF THEORIES AND CONCEPTS! If you tell them that you don't like theories and concepts, you are basically telling them you wont like your Masters!! In general, just don't bad mouth your previous school. What you probably want to say is that while it provided some degree of knowledge, it did not provide the necessary depth you seek and you want to formalize the concepts and theories, further refining and developing your skillset. Something like that.


Also, its forgo not forlorn.

Quote:
Although I don’t have any outstanding practical experience, my two months internship at passport office, which is noted for its state of the art computer system, exposed me to a professional business environment. I have also written a research paper as part of my MBA degree on cell industry.


I don't know what to say about this part since I don't know your background, but this strikes me as very weak. What does the state of the art computer system have to do with marketing? How will your experience in the passport office help you add value to the classroom? What did you do there that furthered your interest in marketing? etc. The research paper is also completely irrelevant. You need to dig deeper here. Think of things that are meaningful - that will be helpful to your application.

Quote:
In my spare time I enjoy socializing and participating in sports activities. After leaving junior school, I played badminton once a week on weekends. I also played tennis during the summer and football too. Being selected as captain for a football team at the local football club developed my team leadership skills and was very rewarding.


A little weak - simply stating that you playing badminton once a week, and occasionally played tennis..... so what? Talk more about being the captain of the football team - thats more meaningful and interesting. How is that going to be relevant for your MSc? What will that allow you to bring to your classroom?

Quote:
Although I spent a great deal of my time socializing, however, education has remained my main focus. My committed nature has made me a very hard working and conscientious student. My main focus in furthering business studies is to learn in depth about marketing and pursue my career in brand management.

You've basically already said this in several different ways. I'd remove it. Save the space for something else.

Quote:
I very much look forward to the challenge and rewards of university life and am confident it will enable me to fulfill my ambitions and lead to a rewarding career.


Good ending.

Overall, its an OK start, but it needs work. You need to more clearly address why marketing (you still havent convinced me you are interested in it, how did you learn about it, why does it fascinate you), you should, somewhere (if not in this essay, somewhere else) be specific about why this school or why this program. Your lack of professional experience is certainly an issue, and I'd urge you to consider what else you did at the postoffice. Simply "going to work and being exposed to a job" is insufficient.

Admittedly, I'm not sure, but for a Msc program, I would imagine your grades are particularly important. Make it clear somewhere that your undergraduate improvement was not temporary. Finally, you don't talk about your grades in your MBA program. Why? Were they better or weaker? If they were strong, then no one will care what your bachelors grades were. If worse, then you will need to explain why that wont happen again.

Finally, all of this depends a bit on where you are applying - if you are aiming a top marketing programs, you really need to spend some time on this.
Manager
Manager
User avatar
Joined: 27 Nov 2006
Posts: 58
Followers: 1

Kudos [?]: 6 [0], given: 0

Re: Please check my personal statement. [#permalink] New post 23 Apr 2008, 21:41
Thanks rhyme. As you might have noted, this is my first personal statement. Most universities in my country don't require students to write personal statements and those who do don't care so much about it. I just read somewhere that these statements are crucial in US schools and thats why I posted mine on this website for a review. Thanks for saving me. I am applying for both top programs as well as mediocre programs. Lets hope for the best. I'll repost my statement with changes that you have suggested, hoping if you have some more spare time to read it.

Thanks a lot again.

CB
Director
Director
User avatar
Joined: 20 Aug 2007
Posts: 853
Location: Chicago
Schools: Chicago Booth 2011
Followers: 10

Kudos [?]: 83 [0], given: 1

Re: Please check my personal statement. [#permalink] New post 24 Apr 2008, 09:47
Rhyme, is this an open invitation for everyone to post their statements and have you critique them? :P
Current Student
User avatar
Joined: 14 Apr 2008
Posts: 453
Schools: F2010 - HBS (R1 - denied w/o interview ), INSEAD (R1 - admitted), Wharton (R1 - waitlisted & ding), Ivey (R2 - admitted w/ 60% tuition)
WE 1: 3.5yrs as a Strategy Consultant - Big 4
Followers: 11

Kudos [?]: 34 [0], given: 16

Re: Please check my personal statement. [#permalink] New post 24 Apr 2008, 09:50
Yes because there might be several of us jumping on that offer!!! :lol:

sonibubu wrote:
Rhyme, is this an open invitation for everyone to post their statements and have you critique them? :P

_________________

INSEAD Sept 2010 Interview Invite Nov 5, 2009 Admit & Matriculating
Wharton Sept 2010 Interview Invite Oct 30, 2009 Waitlisted & Ding
Harvard Sept 2010 Ding without Interview
Ivey May 2010 Interview Invite Nov 23, 2009 Admit + $$

GMAT Club Legend
GMAT Club Legend
avatar
Affiliations: HHonors Diamond, BGS Honor Society
Joined: 05 Apr 2006
Posts: 5925
Schools: Chicago (Booth) - Class of 2009
GMAT 1: 730 Q45 V45
WE: Business Development (Consumer Products)
Followers: 256

Kudos [?]: 1577 [0], given: 7

Premium Member
Re: Please check my personal statement. [#permalink] New post 24 Apr 2008, 13:22
sonibubu wrote:
Rhyme, is this an open invitation for everyone to post their statements and have you critique them? :P


Do I need to start an "ask rhyme" thread? haha!

Sure whatever, go ahead and post.

im bored, im sick. Post away.
GMAT Club Legend
GMAT Club Legend
User avatar
Status: Um... what do you want to know?
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 5464
Location: SF, CA, USA
Schools: UC Berkeley Haas School of Business MBA 2010
WE 1: Social Gaming
Followers: 65

Kudos [?]: 338 [0], given: 14

Re: Please check my personal statement. [#permalink] New post 24 Apr 2008, 13:49
haha, we pondered an "ask rhyme" thread once. :)

he is the source of wonderful advice! :)
_________________

****************************
GMAT Club Knowledge Vault:
http://gmatclub.com/forum/123
Haas Ambassador
http://gmatclub.com/forum/128-t62555
Kryzak's Profile:
http://gmatclub.com/forum/111-t56286
Member Essays:
http://gmatclub.com/forum/103-t50969

Senior Manager
Senior Manager
User avatar
Joined: 01 Feb 2007
Posts: 467
Location: Silicon Valley via Russia, China, Canada and Wharton/Lauder
Schools: Wharton/Lauder (Mandarin Chinese)
Followers: 10

Kudos [?]: 52 [0], given: 8

Re: Please check my personal statement. [#permalink] New post 25 Apr 2008, 19:00
I agree with rhyme, and I think that the draft needs LOTS of work. The way it is written just doesn't make the candidate stand out. Phrases like 'I don't have any outstanding practical experience' just automatically lock the b-school door once and forever.
_________________

Rukuku.com–Interactive Online Courses
http://www.rukuku.com

Wharton/Lauder blog
http://www.onefootprint.com/lauderwharton/

Get the best GMAT Prep Resources with GMAT Club Premium Membership

Re: Please check my personal statement.   [#permalink] 25 Apr 2008, 19:00
    Similar topics Author Replies Last post
Similar
Topics:
1 My Personal Statement for MAcc, thoughts? mgmcdowell86 4 06 Mar 2013, 04:26
Experts publish their posts in the topic please someone checks my essay hushiar 1 21 Jul 2012, 20:27
Please check my profile! playboy88 2 02 May 2012, 21:17
Personal Statement Silver89 0 18 Oct 2011, 11:09
Display posts from previous: Sort by

Please check my personal statement.

  Question banks Downloads My Bookmarks Reviews Important topics  


GMAT Club MBA Forum Home| About| Privacy Policy| Terms and Conditions| GMAT Club Rules| Contact| Sitemap

Powered by phpBB © phpBB Group and phpBB SEO

Kindly note that the GMAT® test is a registered trademark of the Graduate Management Admission Council®, and this site has neither been reviewed nor endorsed by GMAC®.