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Please check my TOEFL essay :D

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Intern
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Joined: 13 Jun 2011
Posts: 3
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 0 [0], given: 11

Please check my TOEFL essay :D [#permalink] New post 13 Jun 2011, 06:26
Topic: People attend college or university for many different reasons. Why do you think people attend college or university ?
This is my first practice essay ever, please review it :D

My essay:
There is increasing number of people who attend university and college every year. Some of them want to take new experiences, others hope to gain knowledge. In my opinion, applicants choose their schools not only for high education level but also for new look in life.
First of all, if you want to get a good job, you should graduate from a college. Many jobs such as: accountant, marketing,... require you a lot of special skills which include leadership, communicating... These skills help you organize your work, treat your staffs and can be only trained logically in university or college.
Secondly, we all know that knowledgeable person often receives more respect from his community. With his ability, he is more confident, more successful than who have low level of education. Moreover, educated people have some right which is out of reach with people who don't attend university such as: jobs, salary,...
Finally, somebody applies for a college to have new experiences. They can make friends, enjoy student's life,... There are many rich businessmen who still study university at high age. School makes them remember their childhood, forget their busy life for little bit of time.
Inconclusion, studying in college is considered to be advisable for everyone. Whatever you do, whoever you are, a university is always a good place for you to enjoy your life.
1 KUDOS received
Manager
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Affiliations: University of Tehran
Joined: 06 Feb 2011
Posts: 203
Location: Iran (Islamic Republic of)
Grad GPA: 4
Concentration: Marketing
Schools: Boston U
GMAT 1: 680 Q45 V38
GPA: 4
WE: Marketing (Retail)
Followers: 7

Kudos [?]: 32 [1] , given: 57

GMAT Tests User
Re: Please check my TOEFL essay :D [#permalink] New post 21 Jul 2011, 00:17
1
This post received
KUDOS
Language defects:

*There is AN increasing number

*staffs does NOT take s in this context

*that A knowledgeable person

*some rightS which ARE out of reach OF people

*Finally, somebody applies for a college to have new experiences > Finally, ONE MAY APPLY for a college to have new experiences. You can also express it in many other ways, however, at any rate your way of saying it is defective. You can't use SOMEBODY in that way, dude.

*study AT university

*Inconclusion>In conclusion


Structural defects

Your three body paragraphs, starting with firstly secondly and finally, are rather fine. Your main structural mistakes lie in the first and last paragraphs, the most important ones, ironically. You have not developed the thesis sentence very well in your opening paragraph. It should have introduced and touched the points in your body paragraphs. though your do this task, it is not complete and not well-formed. I think a 1st paragraph like this scores full in this regard:

There is an increasing number of people who attend university and college every year. The reasons behind this fact can be numerous. To name some, people may attend university and college for qualifying for a favorite job, gaining social status through education and achieving life experience.


I'm sorry to say this bad news that your writing can't get any more than 20 IMO. 5 is deducted for your structure and 5 for your defective use of language: grammar, wording,... . But all in all, if you are not native and as you said it's your preliminary work, there must be great room for improvement.

Gud luck
_________________

Ambition, Motivation and Determination: the three "tion"s that lead to PERFECTION.

World! Respect Iran and Iranians as they respect you! Leave the governments with their own.

Re: Please check my TOEFL essay :D   [#permalink] 21 Jul 2011, 00:17
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