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Please comment on my AWA essay

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Senior Manager
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Please comment on my AWA essay [#permalink] New post 29 Jun 2009, 16:00
Hi friends,

i am posting one of my awa essays here, please give your comments and feedback.
i Have practiced about 4-5 essays but i feel very uncomfortable becoz im not getting any feedback on the essays.
So im posting one of those essays here, your comments will be highly appreciated. I am expecting comments on every aspect, the length, usage of english, organization of ideas, (this one doesnt have examples though :cry: ) and you are free to add whatever you feel like. No hard feelings :-D

If someone can also suggest what rating this would fetch in the exam, it would be very nice.

This one was written by me today, in the time limit of 30 minutes, that included reading, making points, typing and checking. This is exactly as i wrote in the time limit, lots of spelling and grammatical mistakes though, but i didn't edit anything after the time was over.

topic
“Nations should cooperate to develop regulations that limit children’s access to adult material on the Internet.”*
*The Internet is a worldwide computer network.
Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your
own experience, observations, or reading.

my response
With computer becoming as common as in households as the television , and internet becoming an indispensible source of information, the need to regulate children's access to adult material on the internet is greater than ever before. Just like television programmes are censored, there has to be an efficient regulation of the material on the internet as well.

However, regulating material on the internet is not as easy as censoring television programmes. Programmes broadcasted can be controlled nationally, but internet provides unrestricted access to websites all over the globe. This makes regulating cyber-material a bigger challenge. When a problem spreads across national boundaries, international cooperation is the only way the problem can be controlled and solved.

A country may control the material on the websites located therein, but it is not possible to control what is being uploaded on websites of other countries. These websites can freely be accessed from any country across the world. If a country wants to restrict the access of children to adult material, it is important to control what is available from websites of other nations as well, therefore, a well developed international framework is essential to tackle the problem effectively.

Moreover, cyber laws of technologically backward countries are not efficient in dealing with the problem. Most nations, such as India, don't even have proper cyber laws for regulating obscenity on the internet. Lack of technology makes it difficult for authorities of developing nations to track such activities in their region quick enough to take action. However, if the technologically advanced nations share their knowhow and expertise with other countries, it will be mutually beneficial for everyone.

To sum up, controlling children's access to adult material on the internet is necessary for a morally healthy society, but this can be achieved effectively only with international cooperation. Developed nations should help the other countries design effective cyber laws, and also provide the technological knowhow for monitoring and regulating children's acces to adult material.

Thanks in advance.
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Re: Please comment on my AWA essay [#permalink] New post 01 Jul 2009, 07:42
No help????? :(
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Re: Please comment on my AWA essay [#permalink] New post 02 Jul 2009, 07:49
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The question states "Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading." You have identified that you were not able to provide examples but my personal suggestion would be to try and come up with examples. 1) It provides material to your essay 2) Examples can be factual and hence strengthen your case 3) If the example is from your own experience; it gives you an opportunity to express yourself and makes a good reading.


Some of my observations on your essay -
1) as common as in households as the television -
This may not be the right idiom and I may be wrong. "X as common as Y". In your sentence it appears to be "X as common as in Z as Y"

2) There are few places in your essay where the sentence starts in one tense and then shifts over to another. I am sure these things will disappear as you practice more.

3) You seem to take a stand that international cooperation is the only way to control the access. You may want to elaborate that a little bit. It will strengthen the conclusion as well.

Hope this helps
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Re: Please comment on my AWA essay [#permalink] New post 02 Jul 2009, 09:04
s138884 wrote:
The question states "Support your views with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading." You have identified that you were not able to provide examples but my personal suggestion would be to try and come up with examples. 1) It provides material to your essay 2) Examples can be factual and hence strengthen your case 3) If the example is from your own experience; it gives you an opportunity to express yourself and makes a good reading.


Some of my observations on your essay -
1) as common as in households as the television -
This may not be the right idiom and I may be wrong. "X as common as Y". In your sentence it appears to be "X as common as in Z as Y"

2) There are few places in your essay where the sentence starts in one tense and then shifts over to another. I am sure these things will disappear as you practice more.

3) You seem to take a stand that international cooperation is the only way to control the access. You may want to elaborate that a little bit. It will strengthen the conclusion as well.

Hope this helps

thanks a tonn for the help :)
for your point 1, actually i edited that sentence later while writing that essay, and missed out on deleting the second as.
for poing 2, i bet i would have never realized this if no one had pointed it out to me. so thanks a lot again for this, Im going to check this mistake right away
point 3, yes i did take that stand. I was not getting any ideas as to what i should write. Thats another reason for the lack of examples.

Can someone help me as to how I can give examples in these types of essays when i cannot think of any good examples.
Re: Please comment on my AWA essay   [#permalink] 02 Jul 2009, 09:04
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