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Please evaluate my TOEFL essays!!! It's on 11th Dec

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Please evaluate my TOEFL essays!!! It's on 11th Dec [#permalink] New post 09 Dec 2010, 02:34
Hello guys,

I have my TOEFL on 11th Dec. I have practiced some essays for it.
Can u guys please evaluate the below two essays and post your comments for improvement?
Yes, I have used the template found on GMAT Club and Notefull[dot]com. They are really helpful.
Thanks.

Writing Section. Question No. 2: (completed it within the time limit)

"Learning a foreign language in ones own country OR Learning a foreign language in the country in which it is spoken.
Which one is better? Give advantages of each and support your view point."


My response:
434 words response. Is this count enough for question 2??
Is my response missing anything?

Quote:
Some people think that learning a foreign language in ones own country is better than learning it in country in which it is spoken. This issue is a controversial one, but in my opinion a closer examination reveals that learning the foreign language in the country in which it is spoken is better due to several reasons. In this essay I will explain my opinion while giving examples to support it.

One reason is, this option helps the learner to learn better. It is more probable that the teacher in the language class will be a native speaker of the language he is teaching if the class is conducted in the country in which it is spoken. This helps the learner to not only understand the language from a literature point of view but also facilitates the learner to understand how the native users of the languages use it. For example, though a large number of Chinese understand and speak English, their use of the English language is not as same as that of an English or an American which many a times creates communciation gap.

Another reason is, languages are very much influenced by the local culture of the people who use it and vice-versa. It makes sense to learn the language as well as get a taste of its local culture while learning it. To illustrate this let us take an example of a Indian businessman who is proficient with english and is travelling to UK for first time in regards with a business opportunity. After an agreement over the deal, the UK counterpart greets the Indian man with 'cheers'. A person who is unaware of the cultural meaning of this gesture, would consider 'cheers' to be an invitation for an alcohol party!

On other hand, some may argue that the learning the foreign language in ones own country make more sense while giving supporting points like it is light on the pocket, etc. However, these are points are not valid for a serious learner who wants to study the language as a part of his research topic or one who wants to run a business with the nationals of such a country.

In summary, there are advantages to both the sides of the argument. In the light of the above mentioned reasons, we conclude that advantages of studying a foregin language in the country in which it is spoken outweigh the advantages of studying a foregin language in ones own country. Clearly, the studying a foregin language in the country in which it is spoken is more beneficial for serious learners.


Writing Section. Question No. 1: (completed it within the time limit)

I know without the passage and audio it is not possible to evaluate, but still it can be checked for flow of thought and its structure.
The reading passage described an experiment and its finding. The professor in the audio criticized the experiment set up and its conclusion.


My response:
298 words response. Is this count enough for question 1??
Is my response missing anything?

Quote:
On one hand the article claims that the Miller-Urey experiment has helped to unlock the mystery of life on Earth and provides examples to support its claim, and on the other hand the speaker gives counter facts and explanations to each of the supporting examples which casts serious doubts on the findings of the aforementioned experiment.

First, the article explains that the conditions created in the lab experiment where exactly that existed during the early years of earth. The speaker refutes this by saying that unlike the strong and continuous electrical current used int he experiment, the electrical currents on Earth were strong and frequent but not continuous. He also says that the proportion of Oxygen used in the experiment was much less than the proportion of oxygen in the atmosphere that existed on earth in that period. Clearly, as the inputs are flawed, the output of the experiment cannot be credible.

Second, the article puts forth the idea that the experiment was sucessfull in synthesising amino acids which are building blocks of any living organism. To contradicts this explaiantion, he explains that the meteorites and comets that frequently plagued the earth surface during the early years had amino acids in them. And, these amino acids are capable of lasting for years in the space. So the amino acids which are building blocks of living organism coudl ahve also come from the space and not neccesarily formed on the planet.

In summary, the articles gives plausible explainations to support its claim to have established that natural processes could produce the building blocls of life without requiring life to synthesize them in the first place, however, the counter explainations of the speaker undermines the claim and casts serious doubts on the validity of the claim made by the article.
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Re: Please evaluate my TOEFL essays!!! It's on 11th Dec [#permalink] New post 09 Dec 2010, 21:32
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checkoutjay wrote:
Hello guys,

I have my TOEFL on 11th Dec. I have practiced some essays for it.
Can u guys please evaluate the below two essays and post your comments for improvement?
Yes, I have used the template found on GMAT Club and Notefull[dot]com. They are really helpful.
Thanks.

Writing Section. Question No. 2: (completed it within the time limit)

"Learning a foreign language in ones own country OR Learning a foreign language in the country in which it is spoken.
Which one is better? Give advantages of each and support your view point."


My response:
434 words response. Is this count enough for question 2??
Is my response missing anything?

Quote:
Some people think that learning a foreign language in ones own country is better than learning it in country in which it is spoken. This issue is a controversial one, but in my opinion a closer examination reveals that learning the foreign language in the country in which it is spoken is better due to several reasons. In this essay I will explain my opinion while giving examples to support it.

One reason is, this option helps the learner to learn better. It is more probable that the teacher in the language class will be a native speaker of the language he is teaching if the class is conducted in the country in which it is spoken. This helps the learner to not only understand the language from a literature point of view but also facilitates the learner to understand how the native users of the languages use it. For example, though a large number of Chinese understand and speak English, their use of the English language is not as same as that of an English or an American which many a times creates communciation gap.

Another reason is, languages are very much influenced by the local culture of the people who use it and vice-versa. It makes sense to learn the language as well as get a taste of its local culture while learning it. To illustrate this let us take an example of a Indian businessman who is proficient with english and is travelling to UK for first time in regards with a business opportunity. After an agreement over the deal, the UK counterpart greets the Indian man with 'cheers'. A person who is unaware of the cultural meaning of this gesture, would consider 'cheers' to be an invitation for an alcohol party!

On other hand, some may argue that the learning the foreign language in ones own country make more sense while giving supporting points like it is light on the pocket, etc. However, these are points are not valid for a serious learner who wants to study the language as a part of his research topic or one who wants to run a business with the nationals of such a country.

In summary, there are advantages to both the sides of the argument. In the light of the above mentioned reasons, we conclude that advantages of studying a foregin language in the country in which it is spoken outweigh the advantages of studying a foregin language in ones own country. Clearly, the studying a foregin language in the country in which it is spoken is more beneficial for serious learners.


Writing Section. Question No. 1: (completed it within the time limit)

I know without the passage and audio it is not possible to evaluate, but still it can be checked for flow of thought and its structure.
The reading passage described an experiment and its finding. The professor in the audio criticized the experiment set up and its conclusion.


My response:
298 words response. Is this count enough for question 1??
Is my response missing anything?

Quote:
On one hand the article claims that the Miller-Urey experiment has helped to unlock the mystery of life on Earth and provides examples to support its claim, and on the other hand the speaker gives counter facts and explanations to each of the supporting examples which casts serious doubts on the findings of the aforementioned experiment.

First, the article explains that the conditions created in the lab experiment where exactly that existed during the early years of earth. The speaker refutes this by saying that unlike the strong and continuous electrical current used int he experiment, the electrical currents on Earth were strong and frequent but not continuous. He also says that the proportion of Oxygen used in the experiment was much less than the proportion of oxygen in the atmosphere that existed on earth in that period. Clearly, as the inputs are flawed, the output of the experiment cannot be credible.

Second, the article puts forth the idea that the experiment was sucessfull in synthesising amino acids which are building blocks of any living organism. To contradicts this explaiantion, he explains that the meteorites and comets that frequently plagued the earth surface during the early years had amino acids in them. And, these amino acids are capable of lasting for years in the space. So the amino acids which are building blocks of living organism coudl ahve also come from the space and not neccesarily formed on the planet.

In summary, the articles gives plausible explainations to support its claim to have established that natural processes could produce the building blocls of life without requiring life to synthesize them in the first place, however, the counter explainations of the speaker undermines the claim and casts serious doubts on the validity of the claim made by the article.



The essays are good. In my view you should get around 25 at least with these. But there are some features in your essays, which can be further improved.

Firstly, increase the word count by 50- 100 for both. The TOEFL does give a minimum word limit, beyond which anything should be acceptable, but believe you me the length of the essays does affect your scores. I am not asking you to carry on with the same points in the essays. Perhaps you can think of some other points and elaborate.

Secondly, for your second essay, if I am not wrong, the reading passage always has 3 concrete points for establishing a theory, and the listening passage refutes all 3 points categorically. But your essay has only two points and their contradictions. It is vital that you mention ALL THREE points along with their contradictions. Also, in both the paragraphs, you have mentioned just one line to indicate what is mentioned in the reading passage. Try and add one more line to supplement the theory presented in the reading passage. For your first essay, just before you start your last but one paragraph try and put in one more small point. Here, for example, it can be “Learning a foreign language in the country in which it is spoken is better as there is an abundance of people with whom one can practice speaking even outside the class.” What I did in GMAT and TOEFL was utilize the first couple of minutes to write down whatever points came to my mind in a sheet of paper. Later, as you begin writing and the flow sets in, you can always manipulate and expand on one point or ignore the other. This will not only improve the quality of your essays, but the problem I mentioned in the beginning would also be taken care of!

Lastly, try and minimize the grammatical errors. It will not be very important for TOEFL but in GMAT- AWA it can wreak havoc. So, it’s better to start working on it now. There are a few grammatical errors and typos in your essays like “This helps the learner to not only understand the language from a literature point of view but also facilitates the learner to understand how the native users of the languages use it.”; “very much” ;” explaiantion”; “sucessfull”; "blocls" etc. I think a little a bit of careful typing can take care of this!

After reading these points you might start feeling that the essays are not up to the mark and full of mistakes. But as I said in the beginning, your essays on the whole are quite nice and good enough to get you a decent score. I am just pointing out how you can fine tune them to achieve an even better score.
All the Best!
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Samidh
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Re: Please evaluate my TOEFL essays!!! It's on 11th Dec [#permalink] New post 09 Dec 2010, 22:01
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Re: Please evaluate my TOEFL essays!!! It's on 11th Dec [#permalink] New post 09 Dec 2010, 23:58
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Re: Please evaluate my TOEFL essays!!! It's on 11th Dec [#permalink] New post 14 Dec 2010, 02:56
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Re: Please evaluate my TOEFL essays!!! It's on 11th Dec [#permalink] New post 12 Jan 2011, 05:21
Dear all! I wrote an essay on the same topic! I have one question, what do you think is the optimal number of words for achieving 30 points?


Some people think, that learning a language in his or her own country is the best way to acquire a new idiom. Others are convinced that learning a new language in the country where it is actually spoken is more effective. Certainly, this issue is a controversial one, but in my opinion a closer examination reveals that learning the language in its original country is more effective due to several reasons. The purpose of this essay is to explain my position and further support it by real life examples.

One reason is that if you learn a language in the country where it is spoken, your teacher is certainly a native speaker. For instance, a native teacher knows many tricks, can better explain the use of certain idioms and has a natural pronounciation compared to a non nativer speaker. Clearly, native teachers offer a great advantage and students are able to acquire a more fluent way of using the language.

Another reason is that students can immediately use their knowledge acquired in school. To illustrate this point, lets take the example of a student experiencing nightlife in the country where he or she studies the language. The student has to use the language in conversations with bar tenders, but also during small talks with local people. Consequently, he or she gets more experience and confidence in speaking the language, but also has the opportunity to enhance his or her vocabulary in day-to-day situations.

In contrary, some people may argue that studying a language in another country is very expensive. These individuals may point to students who might not have sufficient financial assets. However, this is not a real problem. Lots of agancies offer courses including a job in that country. Students study the language every morning and work afterwards for a certain period of time. This even increases the speed of learning the language and gives student with insufficient money the opportunity to finance their trip.

In summary, while there are arguments to be made for both sides, it is clear that there are greater advantages of learning a language in a country where it is actually spoken because of the positive effects of a native teacher and also the learning process during daily situations.

Please feel free to make any suggestions, I will certainly reward you with kudos!
Thanks a lot!
Marcel :)
Re: Please evaluate my TOEFL essays!!! It's on 11th Dec   [#permalink] 12 Jan 2011, 05:21
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