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Please give feedback and a rating on my AWA Argument essay

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Please give feedback and a rating on my AWA Argument essay [#permalink] New post 14 Sep 2010, 08:41
The stimulus, a part of Kaplan Premier's Online Writing Practice, was embedded in the Flash document and couldn't be copied, but I guess it should be clear from the first paragraph. Thank a ton in advance!

*****************************

The given argument concludes that Clear-One Bottled Water is a good long-term investment, despite its higher cost compared to other bottled water brands available, because Clear-One contains many minerals that are good for the health and it is free of bacteria. The argument provides additional evidence in the form of a statistic that residents of the area where the water is bottled get sick less frequently compared to the national average. The given argument makes several questionable assumptions which undermine its persuasiveness. In this discussion, I am going to list three weaknesses that the argument suffers from, and the changes that would make the argument more convincing and more logical.

First, the argument assumes that presence of many minerals that are good for the health justifies the extra cost of Clear-One. The argument does not provide necessary evidence comparing the amount of minerals in Clear-One to the amount of minerals in other bottled water brands. For example, if research revealed that alternative bottled water products available in the market contain equal or higher amount of health-friendly minerals than are present in Clear-One, the argument's conclusion would fail to hold. The argument would have been more persuasive if it provided evidence comparing mineral content in Clear-One to the mineral content in competitor's products.

Second, the argument attempts to justify the extra cost of Clear-One by asserting that Clear-One is totally free of bacteria. With this assertion, the argument makes a questionable assumption that every bacteria is bad for health. The argument does not take into account that some products on the market, such as bio-yoghurts, advertize presence of digestion-friendly bacteria as a key selling point. The argument would have been more persuasive if it provided additional evidence that the absence of any bacteria in Clear-One is indeed more helpful to the consumer's health than alternative products are.

Finally, the argument makes an assumption that if the residents of the area where the water is bottled get sick less frequently compared to the national average, this somehow indicates that Clear-One is free of harmful microorganisms. The argument fails to provide evidence regarding cleanliness of the actual factory where water is produced for Clear-One and the processes that are followed at the bottling plant. For example, the argument would fall apart if it is revealed that the processes in use at the bottling plant result in contamination of the plant environment. It will be helpful to have evidence regarding the correlation between the bottling area and the purity of Clear-One.

In summary, the argument fails to provide sufficient evidence to be logically convincing. The argument suffers from at least three questionable assumptions, and additional evidence that makes these assumptions more acceptable would strengthen the argument's conclusion, that Clear-One is justifiably priced more than competitor products.
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Last edited by rishabhsingla on 05 Oct 2010, 10:04, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Please give feedback and a rating on my AWA Argument essay [#permalink] New post 14 Sep 2010, 20:18
rishabhsingla wrote:
The stimulus, a part of Kaplan Premier's Online Writing Practice, was embedded in the Flash document and couldn't be copied, but I guess it should be clear from the first paragraph. Thank a ton in advance!

*****************************

The given argument concludes that Clear-One Bottled Water is a good long-term investment, despite its higher cost compared to other bottled water brands available, because Clear-One contains many minerals that are good for the health and it is free of bacteria. The argument provides additional evidence in the form of a statistic that residents of the area where the water is bottled get sick less frequently compared to the national average. The given argument makes several questionable assumptions which undermine its persuasiveness. In this discussion, I am going to list three weaknesses that the argument suffers from, and the changes that would make the argument more convincing and more logical.

First, the argument assumes that presence of many minerals that are good for the health justifies the extra cost of Clear-One. The argument does not provide necessary evidence comparing the amount of minerals in Clear-One to the amount of minerals in other bottled water brands. For example, if research revealed that alternative bottled water products available in the market contain equal or higher amount of health-friendly minerals than are present in Clear-One, the argument's conclusion would fail to hold. The argument would have been more persuasive if it provided evidence comparing mineral content in Clear-One to the mineral content in competitor's products.

I would also say compare the extra cost vs similar water with minerals at lower cost.
Second, the argument attempts to justify the extra cost of Clear-One by asserting that Clear-One is totally free of bacteria. With this assertion, the argument makes a questionable assumption that every bacteria is bad for health. The argument does not take into account that some products on the market, such as bio-yoghurts, advertize presence of digestion-friendly bacteria as a key selling point. The argument would have been more persuasive if it provided additional evidence that the absence of any bacteria in Clear-One is indeed more helpful to the consumer's health than alternative products are.
I am not sure about giving yogurts and also other non-water items as a counter since you are comparing water to non-water products. And i am not sure having bacteria in water is really appetizing even if it is good... I would argue if they have proof - is it 100% bacteria free? also exactly what percent of bacteria exist in other water - if it is 98% vs 99% it might not justify the price.
Finally, the argument makes an assumption that if the residents of the area where the water is bottled get sick less frequently compared to the national average, this somehow indicates that Clear-One is free of harmful microorganisms. The argument fails to provide evidence regarding cleanliness of the actual factory where water is produced for Clear-One and the processes that are followed at the bottling plant. For example, the argument would fall apart if it is revealed that the processes in use at the bottling plant result in contamination of the plant environment. It will be helpful to have evidence regarding the correlation between the bottling area and the purity of Clear-One.

i am not sure if you got the argument correct.. Basically the company says people dont get sick where the water is bottled but you are arguing the cleanliness of the factory which is ireelevant. I think you need to justify why the residents are "healthier" just because the water is bottled there. The microorganisms has nothing to do with it unless all people drink the water there which is probably not true...

In summary, the argument fails to provide sufficient evidence to be logically convincing. The argument suffers from at least three questionable assumptions, and additional evidence that makes these assumptions more acceptable would strengthen the argument's conclusion, that Clear-One is justifiably priced more than competitor products.

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Re: Please give feedback and a rating on my AWA Argument essay [#permalink] New post 15 Sep 2010, 12:17
Expert's post
rishabhsingla wrote:
The stimulus, a part of Kaplan Premier's Online Writing Practice, was embedded in the Flash document and couldn't be copied, but I guess it should be clear from the first paragraph. Thank a ton in advance!

*****************************

The given argument concludes that Clear-One Bottled Water is a good long-term investment, despite its higher cost compared to other bottled water brands available, because Clear-One contains many minerals that are good for the health and it is free of bacteria. The argument provides additional evidence in the form of a statistic that residents of the area where the water is bottled get sick less frequently compared to the national average. The given argument makes several questionable assumptions which undermine its persuasiveness. In this discussion, I am going to list three weaknesses that the argument suffers from, and the changes that would make the argument more convincing and more logical.

First, the argument assumes that presence of many minerals that are good for the health justifies the extra cost of Clear-One. The argument does not provide necessary evidence comparing the amount of minerals in Clear-One to the amount of minerals in other bottled water brands. For example, if research revealed that alternative bottled water products available in the market contain equal or higher amount of health-friendly minerals than are present in Clear-One, the argument's conclusion would fail to hold. The argument would have been more persuasive if it provided evidence comparing mineral content in Clear-One to the mineral content in competitor's products.

Second, the argument attempts to justify the extra cost of Clear-One by asserting that Clear-One is totally free of bacteria. With this assertion, the argument makes a questionable assumption that every bacteria is bad for health. The argument does not take into account that some products on the market, such as bio-yoghurts, advertize presence of digestion-friendly bacteria as a key selling point. The argument would have been more persuasive if it provided additional evidence that the absence of any bacteria in Clear-One is indeed more helpful to the consumer's health than alternative products are.

Finally, the argument makes an assumption that if the residents of the area where the water is bottled get sick less frequently compared to the national average, this somehow indicates that Clear-One is free of harmful microorganisms. The argument fails to provide evidence regarding cleanliness of the actual factory where water is produced for Clear-One and the processes that are followed at the bottling plant. For example, the argument would fall apart if it is revealed that the processes in use at the bottling plant result in contamination of the plant environment. It will be helpful to have evidence regarding the correlation between the bottling area and the purity of Clear-One.

In summary, the argument fails to provide sufficient evidence to be logically convincing. The argument suffers from at least three questionable assumptions, and additional evidence that makes these assumptions more acceptable would strengthen the argument's conclusion, that Clear-One is justifiably priced more than competitor products.
Strengths: Excellent organization!
I liked the 'yogurt' part; very clever example.
Clear, grammatically correct writing.

Opportunities: Avoid starting your essay with 'the argument'. GMAT prompt usually tell you who made the argument; better "An argument made by a marketing firm..." or such. Also, avoid needlessly referencing your self. Don't TELL me you are going to undermine the argument, just do it!
Vary your language and style. You're overusing the work 'argument'. I count 16! uses of the word. In addition, many of your sentences use the structure "the argument <VERB>", repeated not just verbiage but sentence structure.

Overall grade: 5. This is a well reasoned, well structured, grammatically correct essay. However, the repetitive language holds it back from getting a top score.
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Re: Please give feedback and a rating on my AWA Argument essay [#permalink] New post 15 Sep 2010, 12:59
Eli, do you think comparing water free of bacteria to yogurt is a bit out of scope? shouldnt be better comparing similar things?
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Re: Please give feedback and a rating on my AWA Argument essay [#permalink] New post 15 Sep 2010, 13:13
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shaselai wrote:
Eli, do you think comparing water free of bacteria to yogurt is a bit out of scope? shouldnt be better comparing similar things?
Not at all.

Yes and know. rishabsingla's essay could have been made stronger by explicitly pointing out that some bacteria are good for one's health--bacteria being a 'selling point' isn't very compelling. He also could have improved his organization by including this example as the final point, since it's definitely the least important and most improbable of his flaws. But he is absolutely correct to point out that the author of the prompt is shifting scope between "bacteria free" in the evidence and "good for one's health" in the conclusion. And if he wants to establish that this is an unjustified scope shift, then Yogurt is a fine example to provide.
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Re: Please give feedback and a rating on my AWA Argument essay [#permalink] New post 16 Sep 2010, 20:47
KapTeacherEli wrote:
Not at all.

Yes and know. rishabsingla's essay could have been made stronger by explicitly pointing out that some bacteria are good for one's health--bacteria being a 'selling point' isn't very compelling. He also could have improved his organization by including this example as the final point, since it's definitely the least important and most improbable of his flaws. But he is absolutely correct to point out that the author of the prompt is shifting scope between "bacteria free" in the evidence and "good for one's health" in the conclusion. And if he wants to establish that this is an unjustified scope shift, then Yogurt is a fine example to provide.

Eli,

Thanks a ton for providing specific feedback on my AWA essay. I now have a clearer idea of where I'm going wrong (and right). Thanks again!
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Last edited by rishabhsingla on 05 Oct 2010, 10:05, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Please give feedback and a rating on my AWA Argument essay [#permalink] New post 17 Sep 2010, 17:40
rishabhsingla wrote:
KapTeacherEli wrote:
Not at all.

Yes and know. rishabsingla's essay could have been made stronger by explicitly pointing out that some bacteria are good for one's health--bacteria being a 'selling point' isn't very compelling. He also could have improved his organization by including this example as the final point, since it's definitely the least important and most improbable of his flaws. But he is absolutely correct to point out that the author of the prompt is shifting scope between "bacteria free" in the evidence and "good for one's health" in the conclusion. And if he wants to establish that this is an unjustified scope shift, then Yogurt is a fine example to provide.

Eli,

Thanks a ton for providing specific feedback on my AWA essay. I now have a clearer idea of where I'm going wrong (and right). Thanks again!


no thanks for moi?
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Re: Please give feedback and a rating on my AWA Argument essay [#permalink] New post 18 Sep 2010, 00:31
Hehe, no no a lot of thanks to you as well!

I had an electricity connection breakdown right after I replied to Eli (in my country you get electricity for ~21 hours per 24 hours, on average).

Heartiest thanks to you :)
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Last edited by rishabhsingla on 05 Oct 2010, 10:05, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Please give feedback and a rating on my AWA Argument essay [#permalink] New post 18 Sep 2010, 10:20
Rishab, it is a well written essay. If possible add more content to each of your arguments. your essay should be closer to 400 words to get 6. Refer to chinese burned's thread and use more keywords like Therefore, however, for instance, etc. E-rater grades you not really based on your logic, but on content.
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Re: Please give feedback and a rating on my AWA Argument essay [#permalink] New post 18 Sep 2010, 22:06
willneverquit wrote:
Rishab, it is a well written essay. If possible add more content to each of your arguments. your essay should be closer to 400 words to get 6. Refer to chinese burned's thread and use more keywords like Therefore, however, for instance, etc. E-rater grades you not really based on your logic, but on content.

Thanks buddy. I think that makes sense.
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Re: Please give feedback and a rating on my AWA Argument essay   [#permalink] 18 Sep 2010, 22:06
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