Please Grade/comment/suggest on my AWA ESSAY: Analyze Issue : Analytical Writing Assessment (AWA)
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Joined: 31 Dec 1969
Location: Russian Federation
Concentration: Technology, Entrepreneurship
GMAT 1: 710 Q49 V0
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15 Jun 2011, 15:46
AWA ESSAYS: Analyze Issues
ESSAY QUESTION:
"The purpose of government is not to ensure the financial well-being of its citizens, but rather to maintain order."
From your perspective, how accurate is the above statement? Support your position with reasons and/or examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

The purpose of government is not only to ensure the financial well-being of its citizens, but also to maintain order. Regardless of the market type, government must intervene to protect its people. Some capitalists may support this statement because their main focus is profit making. However, I strongly disagree with the premise.
The main reason government is formed is to represent its citizens. This means a citizen should have confidence that government decisions are for his or her well-being. Essentially, the financial stability and the order of a country go hand-in-hand. The financial stability of the people is used as a universal measurement of a country's order and progress. For example, a few years ago America declared that it was undergoing a crisis. The Crisis stemmed from financial mishaps such as the Ponzi Scheme that was practiced by Mr. Madoff (former NASDAQ employee) and jeopardised Lehman Brothers and Goldman Sachs. Also, the conveniences and loop holes because of technological advancements made application of laws and other consequences protecting citizens increase at a slower rate than the tricky trading and exchanges of securities.
Government needs a healthy, educated and prosperous set of citizens. The more the citizens are healthy and educated, the easier it is to maintain order. People are more self conscious and responsible because they now know better. Healthy educated people are less idle and find more utility in employment and productivity. Essentially, healthcare and educational facilities need to be affordable. It is a major risk of the country not to invest in the well-being of its people.
Overall, had there been no effort from government to protect the financial well-being of its citizens countries, similar to America, would not be rebuilding itself from the explotation of corporations, especially when they find a loop hole in the laws that ought to maintain order.
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15 Jun 2011, 18:56
Good effort!

Here are some points I can think of

1. A bit on the short side, you want to try and add at least one more paragraph. Something around 400 words would be a lot better.
2. For your first point, if I understand correctly you are trying to suggest that financial stability leads to order. It is, however, a bit unclear from your example. If Mr. Madoff jeopardized the financial firms that led to a financial crisis, as a reader, it doesn't really help me make the connection between financial well being and order.
3. The last sentence on the first paragraph is unclear. Maybe splitting the sentences would help.
4. Second point would really benefit from a good example. How is it a risk for a country to not invest in the well being of its people? One example could be the state of minorities in several countries. You can suggest that minorities lacking means to support themselves tend to resort to criminal activities.

I think you have some excellent points to support your argument but your examples could use some work. In its current state, I would rate the essay between 3.0 and 4.0.

HTH
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My GMAT Story: tale-of-a-first-timer

Joined: 31 Dec 1969
Location: Russian Federation
Concentration: Technology, Entrepreneurship
GMAT 1: 710 Q49 V0
GMAT 2: 700 Q V
GMAT 3: 740 Q40 V50
GMAT 4: 700 Q48 V38
GMAT 5: 710 Q45 V41
GMAT 6: 680 Q47 V36
GMAT 7: Q42 V44
GMAT 8: Q42 V44
GMAT 9: 740 Q49 V42
GMAT 10: 740 Q V
GMAT 11: 500 Q47 V33
GMAT 12: 670 Q V
WE: Engineering (Manufacturing)
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 200 [0], given: 102257

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16 Jun 2011, 05:36
so of course i did this essay in an exam setting. Reading it over, i agree with you. My examples are incomplete. For the first example, I was trying to explain that the government has to be concerned with financial stability of its people because things , like the Ponzi scheme can jeopardize the citizens pockets and essentially disrupt order. I really was trying to make that link.
The second example was suppose to show how making education and healthcare affordable (which is in the interest of the people and their well-being) people increase their chances of good employment. Therefore they are able to contribute to the growth of the nation. Less idle hands means less disruption in the order of the country via crime,ignorance, illiteracy and violence.
I see that i did a lot of "trying" and not "doing" so i will work on that b/f dooms day
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