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please please pretty please rate me :) :)

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please please pretty please rate me :) :) [#permalink] New post 18 May 2013, 15:45
hi guys.. i would really appreciate if you could rate my essay... to give me one less thing to worry about :) thank you!!!!


ESSAY QUESTION:
The following appeared in an article in a medical journal:
"The major increase in new cases of adult-onset diabetes during the past decade is the result of poor nutrition, which is itself the result of a lack of government control over the quality of foods available at low prices. If the government placed more emphasis on proper nutrition by requiring that food manufacturers include more vitamins and minerals in their products, the rate of adult-onset diabetes would be reduced significantly."
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.

YOUR RESPONSE:
The rate of adult-onset diabetes has been increasing over the past few decades, according to a medical journal. The cause of this affliction is surely due to lack of proper nutrition; this point is uncontested. However, there could also be other causes. The statement assumes that if the government pushed food manufacturers to include more vitamins and minerals in the food they produce, diabetes would be reduced significantly in the adult population. This argument is flawed in several ways which are discussed in the points below.

First of all, there is are a few assumptions that were made in drawing this conclusion. One assumption is that people are getting most their food intake from food manufacturers' products which the government regulates, and the other assumption is that there are no other causes that may contribute to this increase in diabetes in the population.

It is very possible that many people obtain their food from organic sources, such as farmers markets. In this case, since the food is organic, the consumer doesn't want anything added to the source of their food. There is no evidence presented in the conclusion that states that these people are not affected by an increase in diabetes as well. Consequently, even if the government has more control over the food manufacturers, there may still be an increase in diabetes since not all people obtain their foods from regulated areas.

As previously mentioned, diabetes may have other originating sources as well. An increase of smoking, pollution and other contaminants in our atmosphere has also been on the rise in the past few decades. This can just as much have detremental affect on our immune systems and thus cause diabetes to appear more frequently. Since the rise of consumerism, people are also using a lot of products that contain all kinds of different chemicals which may seep into our bodies and also potentially cause diabetes and other diseases. Therefore, even if the government can control the foods that we eat, there are a lot of other sources which may also have lead to the above stated increase in diabetes.

Additionally, supplementing foods with more vitamins and minerals may have a negative affect on our immune system. This increase in artificial chemicals may lead to an even higher increase in diabetes as well as other diseases unless properly studied. There are many reports that indicate that an overdose in vitamins and minerals can have a catastrophic effect on our immune systems. Simply adding more vitamins and minerals may not help. For example, adding a lot of vitamin C to coca cola will not make it a healthy food option!

In conclusion, even though the increase in vitamins may sound like a good idea, it can actually have an even more negative affect on the population. There is no substantiated evidence that proves that a large portion of the population obtains their food from government controlled markets; this could be true but may also be false as discussed in this passage. Therefore, artificically adding vitamins and minerals to food may not work out in favor of the authors conclusion.
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Re: please please pretty please rate me :) :) [#permalink] New post 20 May 2013, 04:26
Hi Mokura,
I am preparing for AWA too. I shall try my best to score this essay.
If outstanding is considered as the following, I shall tell what are missing from this standard.

A Score of 6 Is Outstanding—A cogent, well-articulated critique of the argument, demonstrating mastery of the elements of effective writing, and displaying the following characteristics:
Clearly identifies and insightfully analyzes important features of the argument
Develops ideas cogently, organizes them logically, and connects them smoothly with clear transitions
Effectively supports the main points of the critique
Demonstrates superior control of language, including diction and syntactic variety and the conventions of standard written English. There may be minor flaws

What is missing in your essay from this above standard.

"Demonstrates superior control of language, including diction and syntactic variety and the conventions of standard written English. There may be minor flaws "
- Why did you use the term affliction when you could have written 'problem', 'rise' et al?
- The word 'surely' can be removed from "....is surely due to lack of proper nutrition.."
- Did you want to mean 'is' or 'are' in "...there is are a few assumptions..."
- 'Since' is usually in the beginning of the sentence. ".In this case, since the food is organic....."
- Do you really need the words, 'In conclusion,' ?
- I believe this line can be coined as - "This increase in artificial chemicals may lead to an even higher increase in diabetes as well as other diseases unless properly studied." If I can help, "The supplemented vitamins and minerals may increase the possiblity of diabetes and other illness'.

"Develops ideas cogently, organizes them logically, and connects them smoothly with clear transitions"
I think there are two issues raised in this paragraph. May be that is okay. But I am not sure Mokura.
"It is very possible that many people obtain their food from organic sources, such as farmers markets. In this case, since the food is organic, the consumer doesn't want anything added to the source of their food. There is no evidence presented in the conclusion that states that these people are not affected by an increase in diabetes as well. Consequently, even if the government has more control over the food manufacturers, there may still be an increase in diabetes since not all people obtain their foods from regulated areas. "

I think if you could take care of the language and grammar you may reach score 6. The arguments you have raised are thoughtful, valid and perfect. I have tried my hand in the same essay. I will be happy if you can spot errors and povide me a score.

The author of the article in a medical journal concludes that the increase in the adult-onset diabetes is the result of food with less nutrients. The author assumes that if the government placed importance on rules for the food manufacturers, the products will have more minerals. The author believes these products can reduce adult-onset diabetes. The author has not given data on how the nutrition is the direct cause for AO Diabetes. There is no mention of a succcess story in other parts of the world where the government's initaitives for Food industry have resulted in reducting AO Diabetes.

Firstly, the author has blamed Nutrition as the cause of AO Diabetes. The patient's lifestyle, family history, community medications and work conditions also are to be studied. The problem can be caused by one or more these factors besides Nutrition. If the problem is solely because of the lifestyle of people, then increasing Nutrition is not the right answer.

Secondly, the author has mentioed that Poor nutrition is because of lack of governmnet control on low-priced food. The government intiatives may bring in nutritious food, but the cost of food may increase. The intended recipients have to afford the price. A campaign to increase awareness of the people to have regular nutritious food can keep them healthy.

The author has mentioned specifically about low priced food. This gives rise to a speculation if people who consume high priced food have reduced chances of AO Diabetes. The author should have focussed more on this perspective. That would tell that the Nutrients cost money and government rules may only be an overkill.

The direct cause is not limited to nutrition. The direct causes can be expanded to several other factors. The data on the exact nutrient that is said to have reduced the probablity of AO Diabetes can be mentioned. The author has not mentioned the data on customers eating high priced foods with better nutrients have lesser cases of AO Diabetes. There could have mentioned evidence of how government initiatives in other parts of the world have controlled this problem successfully.

The problem of rise in AO diabetes is a genuine concern. The author has mentioned one problem with lesser supporting data. A complete study of the problem with supporting case will be well recieved by the readers of this medical journal.

Thank you and wish you all the best in your exam.
Rajesh
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Re: please please pretty please rate me :) :) [#permalink] New post 20 May 2013, 08:12
Thanks for your feedback - much appreciated. I will also give you some feedback after having read your essay:

1) For the first point, it's actually the medical journal is the one that concluded the disease is due to bad nutrition, not the author - be careful on this point. The author just concludes that if the government increases nutrients in food, this disease can be reduced or eliminated.
2) "The intended recipients have to afford the price" - this sentence doesnt really make sense. Maybe re-write it to "the recipients should be able to afford the .... "

3) I think your conclusion is a little too short. Maybe you can summarize your main points here a little further. Also, watch out for some of the grammar that you have used.

I think overall its a pretty good essay and you have valid points. Goodluck!
Re: please please pretty please rate me :) :)   [#permalink] 20 May 2013, 08:12
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