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Please provide feedback on my essays.....

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Please provide feedback on my essays..... [#permalink] New post 23 Jul 2011, 13:01
Hi All,
I would be interested to know about your comments on my essays(given below).

AWA ESSAYS: Analyze Argument

ESSAY QUESTION:
The following appeared in a proposal for a high school's annual fundraising event:

"In order to earn the most money for supplemental school programs, we will have larger and more thrilling rides at this year's School Fair, including a ferris wheel that is twice as tall as last year's ferris wheel. In addition, the game vendors will award more expensive prizes and the food stalls will showcase a variety of upscale international dishes. As a result, we will be able to charge a higher entrance fee and the dollar amount we earn via our commission on the vendors' revenues will be higher than it was last year."

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.

YOUR RESPONSE:
The belief that introduction of thrilling rides,expensive prizes and international dishes will result in greater revenue generation is a flawed one.These changes are generic and cosmetic in nature so their effects may only have very limited impact.I will now discuss about the flaws in the argument's logic in the following paragraphs along with some concrete steps to remove these flaws.
Firstly,it is important to understand the psyche of the visitors in the School Fair.In the argument,it is assumed that the increase in the size of the ferris wheel will have a direct bearing on the number of people opting for the ride.This may be true for a segment of the visitors who are more excited by the thrill in a ride.However there may be another segment who prefer to enjoy rides on which they have prior experience and comfort.Increasing the size of the wheel may very well distract this segment which does not necessarily enjoy a ride just for its thrill.
Secondly,expensive prizes may not have a direct impact on the number of participants in the various games.Students do not necessarily enjoy expensive gifts unless and until it is something which is preferred and valued by them.It is important to understand that the quality and utility of the prizes may be the determining factor for increasing the participation of students..
Thirdly,there is no information about the preference of visitors for international dishes.If the vast majority of the visitors do not enjoy international cuisines then there is very little chance of success of this plan.It is therefore recommended to do a thorough analysis of the tastes and preferences of the visitors before recommendation of introducing international dishes.
It would be prudent to conduct a survey among the majority of the visitors last year to get an idea of the pysche of the people.In addition,recommendation forms might well be distributed to ask for feedback on how to make the fair more attractive.Based on the result of the survey,some decisions need to be made keeping in mind the feasibility of introducing any new idea.
To conclude,I will state that the flaws in the argument's logic need to corrected in order to attract a higher number of visitors.A detailed and scientific analysis of previous years data is to be carried out before coming to any logical conclusion.The economic side of things also need to kept in mind.


AWA ESSAYS: Analyze Issues
ESSAY QUESTION:
“Parents should not shoulder the full burden of their children’s college tuition. If university students are required to pay for at least a portion of their education, they will take their studies more seriously and, ultimately, benefit more from their college experience.”

Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the position stated above. Support your viewpoint using reasons and examples from your own experience, observations, or reading.

YOUR RESPONSE:
I would agree with the position that if university students are required to pay at least a portion of their education,then they will take their studies more seriously.It would also help them to become more responsible for their actions.I would now discuss a few supporting points in agreement to the stated position.
Firstly,human beings,by and large,tend to be less responsible about their actions when they are sure of a healthy support sytem.They feel secured and hence act irresponsibly knowing that they woud be rescued by the support system.The case is no different for students.Once their parents shoulder the full burden of the college tuiton,the students tend to be indifferent to their studies.This primarily results from the fact that students,themselves,have invested very little for their education and hence have very little regard for their parents investment.
Secondly,college students who take up the burden of sponsoring a portion of their education generally do so by taking loans from banks.These students then realize the importance of getting a job after the course completion.Since the job markets are highly competitive the students understand the importance of being serious about the course.This automatically has a bearing on the performance of the student.The overall effectiveness of the course is much higher under such a situation.
Thirdly,students who sponsor their college tuitions all by themeselves tend to be more responsible financially.They learn the art of managing their expense right from the start of their college days.This benefits them enormously for the rest of their life.
Finally,when students are able to manage atleast a part of the costs of their education by themselves they tend to be more confident about their ability.This instills a sense of self-confidence and actually paves way for them to be better assets for their country and the world at large.The primary goal of education to create more responsible and more confident young professionals is also achieved indirectly.
To conclude,I would state that the idea of the student sponsoring at least a portion of his/her college tuition is a very positive one.Along with other primary benefits,which I have outlined above,there are many indirect effects which are equally important for the wholesome improvement in the ovestudent community.



Thanks
-Arindam.......
Please provide feedback on my essays.....   [#permalink] 23 Jul 2011, 13:01
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