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Please rate AWA

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Intern
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Joined: 15 Sep 2013
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Please rate AWA [#permalink] New post 27 Oct 2013, 05:49
Hey guys, would be awesome to get a rating on this AWA essay.

Heres the topic:

The following appeared in a memo from the regional manager of Luxe Spa, chain of high-end salons.

"Over 75% of households in Parksoboro have Jacuzzi bathtubs. In addition, the average family income in Parksboro is 50% higher than the national average, and a local store reports record-high sales of the most costly brands of hair and body care products. With so much being spent on personal care, Parksboro will be a profitable location for a new Luxe Spa - a salon that offers premium services at prices that are above average."

Consider how logical… etc.

My response:

The argument in the memo from the regional manager of Luxe Spa is inconclusive and contains flawed logic. From the evidence given, the author has failed to produce a convincing argument on why Luxe Spa should be opened in Parksboro. The argument is inconclusive at best due to the several key factors that have been overlooked by the author in writing this memo.

Firstly, the author mentions that 75% of households in Parksboro have Jacuzzi bathtubs. Additionally, the author adds that these same households have a family income that is 50% higher than the national average. Therefore, the author suggests that having a Jacuzzi bathtub directly correlates with higher wealth. The author fails to show any evidence that households with Jacuzzis directly correlate with higher average family household income. Households with lower family income may have a percentage of Jacuzzis just as high as Parksboro. Therefore, the author fails to provide any evidence that his or her claim about Jacuzzis is substantiated. There is no evidence given for other neighborhoods where incomes are not as high as Parksboro’s which thus makes the statement about Jacuzzis a mere fact instead of evidence.

Secondly, the author has wrongly assumed that there is a correlation between spending on hair and body care products and personal care such as Luxe Spa. There could be other reasons why people spend money on hair and body care products that the author has failed to mention. There may be a lot of smog or pollution in Parksboro which causes residents to seek high end hair and body products. Clearyl, these same people will probably not be as inclined to frequent a premium salon since they don’t need it as much.

Lastly, although the author points out that the residents of Parksboro earn an average income that is 50% higher than the national average, the author fails to show these same people shop at the local stores. The author takes the local store that sells costly hair and body care products in Parksboro as evidence to show that the customers like spending money on personal care products. What the author fails to show is if customers at these places are actually residents of Parksboro. It could be possible that a town nearby that has an average family income ten times greater than Parksboro are the ones that come to Parksboro to purchase these items. Therefore, the author has made a mistake in making an assumption without backing it up.

The author has tried to make a convincing argument but has failed to provide sufficient evidence to make the argument sufficient. Evidence on shopping habits of Parksboro residents and a more thorough understanding of customers of the local store which sells costly hair and body care products should be analyzed. The author should gather more evidence to make his or her argument valid and sufficient.


/Essay

Any feedback/score is appreciated. Thanks!
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Re: Please rate AWA [#permalink] New post 27 Oct 2013, 05:57
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This post received
KUDOS
gmat604 wrote:
Hey guys, would be awesome to get a rating on this AWA essay.

Heres the topic:

The following appeared in a memo from the regional manager of Luxe Spa, chain of high-end salons.

"Over 75% of households in Parksoboro have Jacuzzi bathtubs. In addition, the average family income in Parksboro is 50% higher than the national average, and a local store reports record-high sales of the most costly brands of hair and body care products. With so much being spent on personal care, Parksboro will be a profitable location for a new Luxe Spa - a salon that offers premium services at prices that are above average."

Consider how logical… etc.

My response:

The argument in the memo from the regional manager of Luxe Spa is inconclusive and contains flawed logic. From the evidence given, the author has failed to produce a convincing argument on why Luxe Spa should be opened in Parksboro. The argument is inconclusive at best due to the several key factors that have been overlooked by the author in writing this memo.

Firstly, the author mentions that 75% of households in Parksboro have Jacuzzi bathtubs. Additionally, the author adds that these same households have a family income that is 50% higher than the national average. Therefore, the author suggests that having a Jacuzzi bathtub directly correlates with higher wealth. The author fails to show any evidence that households with Jacuzzis directly correlate with higher average family household income. Households with lower family income may have a percentage of Jacuzzis just as high as Parksboro. Therefore, the author fails to provide any evidence that his or her claim about Jacuzzis is substantiated. There is no evidence given for other neighborhoods where incomes are not as high as Parksboro’s which thus makes the statement about Jacuzzis a mere fact instead of evidence.

Secondly, the author has wrongly assumed that there is a correlation between spending on hair and body care products and personal care such as Luxe Spa. There could be other reasons why people spend money on hair and body care products that the author has failed to mention. There may be a lot of smog or pollution in Parksboro which causes residents to seek high end hair and body products. Clearyl, these same people will probably not be as inclined to frequent a premium salon since they don’t need it as much.

Lastly, although the author points out that the residents of Parksboro earn an average income that is 50% higher than the national average, the author fails to show these same people shop at the local stores. The author takes the local store that sells costly hair and body care products in Parksboro as evidence to show that the customers like spending money on personal care products. What the author fails to show is if customers at these places are actually residents of Parksboro. It could be possible that a town nearby that has an average family income ten times greater than Parksboro are the ones that come to Parksboro to purchase these items. Therefore, the author has made a mistake in making an assumption without backing it up.

The author has tried to make a convincing argument but has failed to provide sufficient evidence to make the argument sufficient. Evidence on shopping habits of Parksboro residents and a more thorough understanding of customers of the local store which sells costly hair and body care products should be analyzed. The author should gather more evidence to make his or her argument valid and sufficient.


/Essay

Any feedback/score is appreciated. Thanks!


Hi,
Nice essay.

I would rate it to 5.5
To improve :
1. Reduce spelling mistakes.
2. Provide more examples.

These 2 points will make you essay perfect.

Good Luck :)
Please press KUDOS button on the left if my post helped you..
_________________

Please press KUDOS if my post helped !!

Intern
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Joined: 15 Sep 2013
Posts: 18
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Kudos [?]: 0 [0], given: 6

Re: Please rate AWA [#permalink] New post 27 Oct 2013, 06:32
crackgmatg wrote:

Hi,
Nice essay.

I would rate it to 5.5
To improve :
1. Reduce spelling mistakes.
2. Provide more examples.

These 2 points will make you essay perfect.

Good Luck :)
Please press KUDOS button on the left if my post helped you..


Hey, thanks for the tips, I'll keep them in mind. Kudos!
Re: Please rate AWA   [#permalink] 27 Oct 2013, 06:32
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