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Please rate AWA essay

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Rate my AWA essay

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Intern
Intern
avatar
Joined: 09 Jan 2013
Posts: 16
Concentration: Entrepreneurship, Sustainability
Schools: NUS '15
GMAT 1: 650 Q45 V34
GRE 1: 1440 Q790 V650
GPA: 3.76
WE: Other (Pharmaceuticals and Biotech)
Followers: 1

Kudos [?]: 0 [0], given: 9

Please rate AWA essay [#permalink] New post 02 Mar 2013, 20:23
Hi,
I have tried the the same essay in a practice session. I know my typing speed falls too short of expected length of the essay. Please evaluate and suggest improvements. Please comment on the structure and the additional analysis required.

Akhil
________________________________________
ESSAY QUESTION:
The following appeared as part of a campaign statement for Velazquez, who is seeking election as alderman in the town of Barchester:

“Under Police Commissioner Draco, the city of Spartanburg began jailing people for committing petty crimes such as littering, shoplifting, and spraying graffiti. Criminals in Spartanburg must have understood that lawlessness would no longer be tolerated, because the following year Spartanburg saw a 20% drop in violent crimes such as homicide. Our town should learn from Commissioner Draco’s success, and begin a large-scale crackdown on petty crime.”

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. In your discussion be sure to analyze the line of reasoning and the use of evidence in the argument. For example, you may need to consider what questionable assumptions underlie the thinking and what alternative explanations or counterexamples might weaken the conclusion. You can also discuss what sort of evidence would strengthen or refute the argument, what changes in the argument would make it more logically sound, and what, if anything, would help you better evaluate its conclusion.

YOUR RESPONSE:
The argument presents an example of a city where the people were jailed for committing petty crimes and correlates it to the decrease in rate of violent crimes. Further, the author suggests implementation of similar strategy in his town to achieve similar results. The argument, as stated above, is full of assumptions and the conclusions are derived on leap of faith without substantiating the claims with appropriate evidence.

First, the argument correlates the implementation of a strategy to curb petty crimes with the impact on violent crimes. However, it does not present any logical correlation between the two. The decrease in the rate of violent crimes might have been due to implementation of another policy directing these criminals to stringent punishment. Thus, it may not have any correlation with the stated strategy. However, the argument could have been made plausible by establishing the impact of the stated strategy on the rate of violent crimes.

In addition, the author suggests the implementation of a strategy in his town just because it possibly showed beneficial results in another city. However, the author fails to recognize that the success of a policy depends on a number of critical factors such its legal structure, the crime rate, and the human resource available. Without clearly establishing the effect of these factors on the success of this strategy, the conclusion loses its credibility.

In brief, the argument fails to establish a correlation between seemingly unrelated things. The author also fails to substantiate its claims with appropriate evidence. In addition, the argument does not consider several critical factors such as the ones stated above in order to suggest the implementation of the stated strategy. Thus, the argument, as stated above, is unconvincing and open to discussion.
(289 words)
1 KUDOS received
Senior Manager
Senior Manager
User avatar
Joined: 28 Apr 2012
Posts: 310
Location: India
GMAT 1: 610 Q49 V23
GMAT 2: 650 Q48 V31
GMAT 3: 770 Q50 V47
WE: Information Technology (Computer Software)
Followers: 12

Kudos [?]: 180 [1] , given: 141

Re: Please rate AWA essay [#permalink] New post 02 Mar 2013, 23:27
1
This post received
KUDOS
Hi Akhil,

What are you slow at ?
1. Slow in typing
2. Slow in framing your ideas to sentences ?

For 1:
i. Practice Typing
ii. Choose short words
iii. Avoid redundancy
iv. Focus on quality

For 2:
i. Read articles and then write a paragraph using your own words about what you read
ii. Practice at least 10 Essays
iii. Make a list of frequently used words in argument analysis essays, so that you don't waste time for searching words.
iv. Memorize the template, in that at least you will have 70% of work done on Introduction and Conclusion Paragraph, You just have to replace few words.

I had both the problems and I could improve by devoting 12 Hours in 5 days.
Instead recommended 5 paragraphs, I used only 4 paragraphs (about 300 word count) in my actual exam and got 5.5.

Your Essay has all the valid points, you only need to re-frame your sentences, avoid redundant words and work a little on grammar.
_________________

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well."
― Voltaire


Press Kudos, if I have helped.
Thanks!

shit-happens-my-journey-to-172475.html#p1372807

Intern
Intern
avatar
Joined: 09 Jan 2013
Posts: 16
Concentration: Entrepreneurship, Sustainability
Schools: NUS '15
GMAT 1: 650 Q45 V34
GRE 1: 1440 Q790 V650
GPA: 3.76
WE: Other (Pharmaceuticals and Biotech)
Followers: 1

Kudos [?]: 0 [0], given: 9

Re: Please rate AWA essay [#permalink] New post 05 Mar 2013, 05:36
ConnectTheDots wrote:
Hi Akhil,

What are you slow at ?
1. Slow in typing
2. Slow in framing your ideas to sentences ?

Your Essay has all the valid points, you only need to re-frame your sentences, avoid redundant words and work a little on grammar.


Thanks Connect,
I have tried working on all the points suggested and practiced a few essays. Below is the essay i took in a mock today. I have improved by at least 50 words and I hope you find the structure and language also a bit better. Please rate and comment.

Also, I have the GMAT scheduled in 2 days. Please give any last minute suggestions :)

Regards
Akhil
___________________________________________________________________________

ESSAY QUESTION:
The following appeared in a memo to executives at a company that manufactures industrial equipment:

"We are spending too much on free customer service after a sale has been made; we need to limit our warranty to two years in order to improve our profit margins. The current lifetime warranty can lead to costs decades into a product's life cycle. Also, we pay our customer service employees a premium because they must possess expert skills across the entirety of our very diverse product line, including products we no longer sell."

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.

YOUR RESPONSE:
The author concludes that the company can improve profit margins by limiting the warranty of its products to two years from the current lifetime warranty. The author bases this conclusion on the high amount spent on free customer service after decades in the product life cycle and premium paid to its customer service employees for their expertise in diverse products. The argument, as stated above, is full of assumptions and does not support its claims with evidence. Thus, the argument is weak and has many flaws.

First, the author readily assumes that the limiting of warranty will improve profit margins of the company. In order to evaluate this conclusion, one needs to consider all the possible implications of proposed plan and their impact on the profit margins. The limiting of warranty may, for example, lead to reduced sale of the products in the market. Also, other competing products in the market may be offering a better after sales service at a lower cost than the proposed time. Thus, without a thorough impact assessment and market analysis, the conclusion seems to baseless.

Further, the author fails to consider that impact of reducing the premium paid to its customer service staff. The company might face high attrition rate due to decrease in the premiums and may thus loose valuable talent. This would, in turn, affect the quality of after sales service of the company, thereby discouraging the customers to buy company's products. Thus, while profit margins may increase, the company may loose its customer base affecting the overall revenue.

Finally, the author may make the argument tenable by providing a thorough impact analysis and market assessment of the proposal. The author must also consider the dynamics of its current operations and the impact of the change on its employees and overall revenue.

In summary, the argument fails to provide thorough impact analysis of the proposal on both the market and its internal operations and employees. Without substantial evidence to support, the conclusion seems to be a leap of faith and wishful thinking of the author.
1 KUDOS received
Senior Manager
Senior Manager
User avatar
Joined: 28 Apr 2012
Posts: 310
Location: India
GMAT 1: 610 Q49 V23
GMAT 2: 650 Q48 V31
GMAT 3: 770 Q50 V47
WE: Information Technology (Computer Software)
Followers: 12

Kudos [?]: 180 [1] , given: 141

Re: Please rate AWA essay [#permalink] New post 05 Mar 2013, 09:26
1
This post received
KUDOS
akhilbajaj wrote:
ConnectTheDots wrote:
Hi Akhil,

What are you slow at ?
1. Slow in typing
2. Slow in framing your ideas to sentences ?

Your Essay has all the valid points, you only need to re-frame your sentences, avoid redundant words and work a little on grammar.


Thanks Connect,
I have tried working on all the points suggested and practiced a few essays. Below is the essay i took in a mock today. I have improved by at least 50 words and I hope you find the structure and language also a bit better. Please rate and comment.

Also, I have the GMAT scheduled in 2 days. Please give any last minute suggestions :)

Regards
Akhil
___________________________________________________________________________

ESSAY QUESTION:
The following appeared in a memo to executives at a company that manufactures industrial equipment:

"We are spending too much on free customer service after a sale has been made; we need to limit our warranty to two years in order to improve our profit margins. The current lifetime warranty can lead to costs decades into a product's life cycle. Also, we pay our customer service employees a premium because they must possess expert skills across the entirety of our very diverse product line, including products we no longer sell."

Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.

YOUR RESPONSE:
The author concludes that the company can improve profit margins by limiting the warranty of its products to two years from the current lifetime warranty. The author bases this conclusion on the high amount spent on free customer service after decades in the product life cycle and premium paid to its customer service employees for their expertise in diverse products. The argument, as stated above, is full of assumptions and does not support its claims with evidence. Thus, the argument is weak and has many flaws.

First, the author readily assumes that the limiting of warranty will improve profit margins of the company. In order to evaluate this conclusion, one needs to consider all the possible implications of proposed plan and their impact on the profit margins. The limiting of warranty may, for example, lead to reduced sale of the products in the market. Also, other competing products in the market may be offering a better after sales service at a lower cost than the proposed time. Thus, without a thorough impact assessment and market analysis, the conclusion seems to baseless.

Further, the author fails to consider that impact of reducing the premium paid to its customer service staff. The company might face high attrition rate due to decrease in the premiums and may thus loose valuable talent. This would, in turn, affect the quality of after sales service of the company, thereby discouraging the customers to buy company's products. Thus, while profit margins may increase, the company may loose its customer base affecting the overall revenue.

Finally, the author may make the argument tenable by providing a thorough impact analysis and market assessment of the proposal. The author must also consider the dynamics of its current operations and the impact of the change on its employees and overall revenue.

In summary, the argument fails to provide thorough impact analysis of the proposal on both the market and its internal operations and employees. Without substantial evidence to support, the conclusion seems to be a leap of faith and wishful thinking of the author.



Hi Akhil,

Your Essay has really improved. Keep up the spirit.
If time permits in the test, do a quick review for spelling and common grammatical errors(subject-verb, pronoun, tense).

I would rate at least a 5. If you can add some real life examples, it can take you up to 5.5.
But lets not bother now, at this stage what ever you are doing is good.

As your AWA completes, wipe it out from your brain and focus on the real test.
All the best!
_________________

"Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well."
― Voltaire


Press Kudos, if I have helped.
Thanks!

shit-happens-my-journey-to-172475.html#p1372807

Re: Please rate AWA essay   [#permalink] 05 Mar 2013, 09:26
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