A good start here, and the quality of your thoughts on the subject is commendable! To do much better than a score of 4 or so, though, I'd like to see you:
1) Focus on the structure of your essay and on transition words that make the structure easy to recognize. Try to have a clear thesis paragraph that includes a word like "therefore" or "thus" to signal the reader as to your intentions in the essay. Then, try to lead your support paragraphs with words like "For example"' "Also", "Another", etc. Make it easy for the reader to see what you're trying to do - organization on these essays tends to be more valuable than does style and even content.
2) Have at least two (or, really, three) sentences per (well-organized) paragraph. That not only looks better and more well-reasoned, but also forces you to develop each claim that you make and leads to a stronger overall essay.
3) This may just be my style, but I'd begin the essay by paraphrasing the topic and not by saying "The essay topic says that...". Write it as though someone other than simply a GMAT grader is reading it - by showing that you can write to an audience you'll write a more persuasive essay that's less clinical and more thought out.
If you can implement these ideas the quality of your thoughts is great and you can probably get to a 5 or so just by better organizing and better developing what you already have to say. I hope that helps...
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