This doesn't look like an official GMAT topic. I advise you to practice only with the official topics, which you can find on MBA.com. The official argument topics are more substantial than the sample you provided and generally involve several premises and a main claim. In your introduction you would need to summarize the argument, and present your thesis about the argument's flaws in your response. Your entire essay would focus on the flaws in the argument.
It looks like the topic you are working with is from an old issue essay prompt. The issue essay is no longer included on the GMAT and the requirements for this type of essay were somewhat different. Because you are not really analyzing and critiquing an argument in the sample essay you provide, it is difficult to provide you with constructive feedback regarding content.
In terms of your writing, there are numerous grammatical problems that you need to address. You should work in particular on your use of articles and subject-verb agreement.
1) if you are going to refer to a singular employee's performance as you do in the intro, you need to use an indefinite article. However, the prompt refers to employees' performance plural and I advice you stick with the plural, which does not require an article before it. There are other problems in other parts of the essay with articles.
2) There are some subject/verb agreement errors as well. For instance, in your second paragraph opening line, you list multiple factors that are important to employees but then use the singular verb is and the singular noun factor. Or in the third paragraph opening line, you use the plural employees with the singular verb form "has." Actually, that sentence should read "...all employees have THE freedom..."
You may find the AWA prep course we offer useful -- it can help you improve your grammar and your critical thinking skills.
Susan Feldman, Ph.D.
GMAT AWA & Verbal Coach
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