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PLease rate my 1st essay on topic "Employees’ performance"

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PLease rate my 1st essay on topic "Employees’ performance" [#permalink] New post 02 Jul 2013, 21:51
**Please rate my 1st attempt and let me know my mistakes.**

Topic:
Companies should not try to improve employees’ performance by giving incentives—for example, awards or gifts. These incentives encourage negative kinds of behaviour instead of encouraging a genuine interest in doing the work well.” Discuss to which extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

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Date : 03 July
Time Taken 40 mins

Improvement of employee's performance depends on various factors and incentives is one way. The main idea behind giving incentive to keep up employee's motivation in the work. I disagree that the incentive encourages negative kind of behaviors among employee if its presented in the most positive & ethical way.

For any employee friendly environment, work-life balance, good colleagues & motivation to work is the main factor to have a stable & long lasting relationship. Hence if the management appraises with incentives honestly & equally it will never create any negatives attitude. Incentives can be given in various types or forms which i have discussed in later part of this essay.

For example in Google Inc all employees has freedom to explore and do things differently, they have very different style of giving incentives like a healthcare plan or onsite hair cut or multi cuisine lunch/dinner or swimming pool to relax or snooker game or employee are given 20% time of their program to work on special projects. This avoids people to have any negative attitude as these are some ways which everyone will like and this helps to retain employees too.

In any other company they do have this but it may be restricted or they tend to given incentive only in the form of Certificates or trophies and cash prize, which is received by maximum employee with different labels. Here companies makes sure that almost maximum employee get rewarded and this will satisfy them and keep them motivated, infact this makes a person to start comparing on abilities as per the labels provided and also on the difference in the amount of cash prize. Hence this creates negative attitude and this is the starting of employee getting demotivated and eventually this will be spread among others in the team.

To conclude, incentives never create negative behavior, if its in the interest of employee and their development. Incentives should be a designed as per the workforce mindset and management should be able to surprise them in positive way.
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Re: PLease rate my 1st essay on topic "Employees’ performance" [#permalink] New post 06 Jul 2013, 23:43
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Hi,

This doesn't look like an official GMAT topic. I advise you to practice only with the official topics, which you can find on MBA.com. The official argument topics are more substantial than the sample you provided and generally involve several premises and a main claim. In your introduction you would need to summarize the argument, and present your thesis about the argument's flaws in your response. Your entire essay would focus on the flaws in the argument.

It looks like the topic you are working with is from an old issue essay prompt. The issue essay is no longer included on the GMAT and the requirements for this type of essay were somewhat different. Because you are not really analyzing and critiquing an argument in the sample essay you provide, it is difficult to provide you with constructive feedback regarding content.

In terms of your writing, there are numerous grammatical problems that you need to address. You should work in particular on your use of articles and subject-verb agreement.
1) if you are going to refer to a singular employee's performance as you do in the intro, you need to use an indefinite article. However, the prompt refers to employees' performance plural and I advice you stick with the plural, which does not require an article before it. There are other problems in other parts of the essay with articles.
2) There are some subject/verb agreement errors as well. For instance, in your second paragraph opening line, you list multiple factors that are important to employees but then use the singular verb is and the singular noun factor. Or in the third paragraph opening line, you use the plural employees with the singular verb form "has." Actually, that sentence should read "...all employees have THE freedom..."

You may find the AWA prep course we offer useful -- it can help you improve your grammar and your critical thinking skills.

Best,
Susan
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Re: PLease rate my 1st essay on topic "Employees’ performance"   [#permalink] 06 Jul 2013, 23:43
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PLease rate my 1st essay on topic "Employees’ performance"

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