The following appeared as part of the business plan of an investment and financial consulting firm.
“Studies suggest that an average coffee drinker’s consumption of coffee increases with age, from age 10 through age 60. Even after age 60, coffee consumption remains high. The average cola drinker’s consumption of cola, however, declines with increasing age. Both of these trends have remained stable for the past 40 years. Given that the number of older adults will significantly increase as the population ages over the next 20 years, it follows that the demand for coffee will increase and the demand for cola will decrease during this period. We should, therefore, consider transferring our investments from Cola Loca to Early Bird Coffee.”
Discuss how well reasoned... etc.
In the given argument the author of the business plan has an assumption that the average consumption of coffee increases with age and even after the age of 60 the consumption remains high.However the average cola consumption declines with increasing age.According to the author both the trends have remained stable for past 40 years.So by looking at these figures the author concludes that the older adults with increase significantly over next 20 years, because the population will be aging over 20 years,which means that the demand for coffee will increase and demand for cola will decrease.
Therefore, the author suggests that the company should consider transferring [highlight]investements[/highlight]form Cola to Early Bird coffee.
[highlight]No point restating the whole argument. Make a brief gist of the argument and start off your analysis. The introductory sentence should contain the points you will be discussing below.[/highlight]
[highlight]Use introductory words like @firstly,first,one reason@[/highlight]The argument is flawed for several reasons as the author does not show relevant [highlight]statstics[/highlight] that the consumption of coffee increases with age and consumption of cola decreases with age.The author should provide enough information for us to know that from which source the information was gathered.It might be possible that the numbers what the author is [highlight]reffering[/highlight] to is collected form one area or just one city.So that does not assume that it implies to all the cities and all the countries that the consumption of cola will decrease with age and consumption of [highlight]cofffee[/highlight] will increase with age.
[highlight]Good point, but your sentence lacks continuity. The flow of language can be a lot more lucid and free.[/highlight]
The author also quotes that the trends have been stable for past 40 years, but [highlight]agian[/highlight] the author does not cite relevant source that [highlight]according to which study the trends are shown[/highlight]; is it an international firm that that conducted the study or is it just an local company who had gathered all the data and drawn conclusion.The author also [highlight]falis[/highlight] to cite that how many people were included in the study.There can be a [highlight]possiblity[/highlight]that the study is just based on 100 people.Whereas we need more people to give their views.
[highlight]Another good flaw highlighted but the language needs to be more lucid. Try using strong language as "should, will " instead of "can,may".[/highlight]
Also the author fails to give information that the company is [highlight]targetting[/highlight] at a local city or many other countries.The author should give proper information so that the reader can know [highlight]that what is companys target location.[/highlight]There can be a [highlight]possiblity[/highlight]that the trend that author mentions Increase in consumption of coffee with age and decrease in consumption of cola with age might be relevant to just one city.If the company wishes to expand its business into [highlight]ather[/highlight] location this trend might not be valid at all.
[highlight]The point is not stated clearly.[/highlight]
The author also falsely assumes that the trend will continue that old people will continue their intake of coffee even after the age of 60,there can be a [highlight]possiblity that due to health awaress campaings[/highlight] the Older people might consider to leave coffee and switch to some other herbal option.For this reason the authors assumption that this trend will continue that people are aging is not reasonable.
In order to validate the argument the author must provide relevant statistics to show that how many people were involved in [highlight]teh[/highlight] survey and where the survey was exactly conducted.Also the author must reveal that the company targets local customers or international customers.Else the company can run into [highlight]husge lossess,[/highlight] because there is always a possibility that in one city people might reduce their consumption of cola and increase their consumption of coffee with age.But in other cities or countries this trend might not be [highlight]vaild[/highlight] at all.
The essay is well structured, but you discuss too many points with too little detail. Choose your 3 strong points and discuss in depth about those 3-4 points. In the above essay, you very clearly point out the flaws, but fail to discuss those flaws in more detail. Try using strong language as "should,will" instead of can,may.
The introduction needs to to give a brief insight into what you will be your points but not repeating what the argument states.
Your conclusion is spot on.
There are many spelling mistakes and many structural errors in your sentence. The language is sometimes not conveying your idea clearly. Try using simple lucid sentences.
My rating is as follows:
Structure: 5( Good structure. It matters a lot. on the real GMAT my issue topic was very boring and I didn't have many good points, but made sure the essay was well structured. Was surprised to end up with a 6 on AWA.)
Content : 4 ( Good flaws pointed out, but need more detail to your arguments)
Style : 3 (Lot of spelling and grammatical errors. Do some proof reading. )
You can easily get a 6 on the exam with your structured method of arguing. Work on your content and grammar.