Following needs some improvement:
(utilize all of what you have learned for SC section)
1. Avoid lengthy statements. Be concise and direct.
The argument can be written:(There are many other ways, this is just an example)
The management of a retail company claims that the exact sum of rent saved from the consolidation of warehouses will add to the company's profitability.
2. Maintain consistent tense. Preferably present.
their memo concluded(simple past) that the monthly profitability of the company is going to go up by the same amount the company will(future) save on rent
3. Avoid repeating words.
profitability of the company is going to go up by the
four different warehouses as it has decided to relocate the inventory from four different warehouses throughout the country to a single new warehouse near
4. Avoid weak words.
5. Do not use multiple "If x happens, Y will ..." : Count how many "If" clauses you have used
6. Pronoun ambiguity
To strengthen its argument, the management team should precisely state that any costs incurred by the company in its day to day operations are not expected to change other than the rent because of its decision to shift the inventory to a single warehouse
transportation costs for the company, which will eat into the savings from
All the above are must-to-correct action items. Apart from them, there are other minor flaws, such as using appropriate punctuation, avoiding colloquial language and abbreviations, maintaining variety in sentence structure etc. These are needed, only if you are willing to work for a 6.
Otherwise, the suggested rectification should fetch you a 5+.
"Appreciation is a wonderful thing. It makes what is excellent in others belong to us as well."
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