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Please rate my AWA

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Intern
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Joined: 24 May 2013
Posts: 41
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Kudos [?]: 2 [0], given: 16

Please rate my AWA [#permalink] New post 22 Aug 2013, 06:56
The following appeared in an article in a medical journal:
"The major increase in new cases of adult-onset diabetes during the past decade is the result of poor nutrition, which is itself the result of a lack of government control over the quality of foods available at low prices. If the government placed more emphasis on proper nutrition by requiring that food manufacturers include more vitamins and minerals in their products, the rate of adult-onset diabetes would be reduced significantly."
Discuss how well reasoned you find this argument. Point out flaws in the argument's logic and analyze the argument's underlying assumptions. In addition, evaluate how supporting evidence is used and what evidence might counter the argument's conclusion. You may also discuss what additional evidence could be used to strengthen the argument or what changes would make the argument more logically sound.

Response:
The argument that increase in new cases of adult diabetes is the result of poor nutrition omits concerns and is flawed. The argument is flawed because of two reasons.

Firstly, it assumes that poor nutrition is the sole cause of diabetes, whereas diabetes may result from various other reasons such as heredity, lethargic lifestyle, lack of exercise etc. So by assuming that only poor nutrition causes diabetes it omits all other contributing concerns. To substantiate the claim that poor nutrition results in diabetes the argument should have included the actual increase in number of cases in past decade.

Secondly, the argument puts the onus on government for lack of control over quality of food available at low prices and does not consider consumer preference for selection over food. The argument could be made reasonable if it included the food items that adults buy and have low nutrition content. Since argument ignores how the government can control quality and help improve the quality of food it is flawed.

Thirdly, Argument mentions more vitamins and minerals as a solution to reduce adult onset diabetes, argument fails to mention exactly which vitamins and minerals are needed to prevent diabetes. For example Diabetes is caused by a deficiency of particular vitamin so by making food items rich in that particular vitamin will help reduce diabetes otherwise additional vitamins and minerals of other type wont prove of any help in this case.

If the argument addresses the above mentioned problems, Then it might make the argument more logical.
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Re: Please rate my AWA [#permalink] New post 22 Aug 2013, 17:58
Expert's post
Hi akijuena,

This essay unfortunately gets a 2.

It's very short, which isn't in and of itself problematic, but shows of that the language is somewhat simplistic. The reasoning is also limited. The author claims that poor nutrition is the cause of the increase in diabetes, not the "sole cause" of diabetes as you claim in your second paragraph; you also don't tie together why government control is related to customer preference.

Take a look at the top scoring sample essays in Kaplan's book and from the Official Guide, to get an idea for the level of writing expected, and keep working on it!
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Re: Please rate my AWA   [#permalink] 22 Aug 2013, 17:58
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