Please rate my AWA : Analytical Writing Assessment (AWA)
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Intern
Joined: 24 May 2013
Posts: 31
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 24 [0], given: 16

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27 Aug 2013, 15:59
The following appeared in the editorial section of a campus newspaper.

“Because occupancy rates for campus housing fell during the last academic year, so did housing revenues. To solve the problem, campus housing officials should reduce the number of available housing units, thereby increasing the occupancy rates. Also, to keep students from choosing to live off-campus, housing officials
should lower the rents, thereby increasing demand.”

The argument that because occupancy rates fell during last academic year, so did housing revenues omits several key factors that must be addressed to substantiate the argument. The statement that follows the description of how this problem can be solved describes various measures that should be undertaken by official to boost revenues. This alone does not constitute a logical argument in favor of implementing those measures and therefore, the argument is weak and has several flaws.

First, the argument claims that because occupancy rate fell, so did housing revenues. This is a very weak, unsupported claim and omits other key factors, which caused this situation. For example, it could be that because of several complaints of ill maintained housing units from students the campus was renovated to improve the housing facilities. And during that period of renovation the maintenance costs were particularly high and thus led to fall in revenues. So without knowing about other factors such as the one mentioned above the correlation between occupancy rates and housing revenues cannot be established.

Second, the argument proposes few measures to be undertaken to solve the problem. But the argument ignores other possibilities, which should have been taken in account to evaluate these measures more comprehensibly. The argument proposes to reduce the number of housing units but what if the enrollment during the next year is unprecedentedly high, so even by not reducing housing units the occupancy could increase. The other measure which argument proposes is to lower the rents so students don’t choose off-campus housing. This again is a very weak proposal for increasing demand as the argument neglects that lowering of rents would negatively affect the maintenance and other basic facilities. Hence, instead of increasing demand for on-campus housing, students would have to opt for off-campus housing. Thereby further reducing the revenues.

In conclusion, the argument could have been strengthened if it mentioned other key factors that led to fall in revenues and considered possibilities for evaluating the proposed measures clearly. But in this particular case, without this information, the argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate.
Intern
Joined: 29 Mar 2013
Posts: 29
Schools: ISB '16
GMAT 1: 500 Q V0
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Kudos [?]: 7 [0], given: 8

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28 Aug 2013, 01:56
Please work on grammar.. many mistakes..

The argument that because ** incorrect** --> The argument claims that etc.. should be used.
The statement that follows the description of how this problem can be solved describes various measures that should be undertaken by ...** inconsistent**

This is a very weak .** incorrect** This is weak should be fine.

Second, the argument proposes few measures to be undertaken to solve the problem **Incorrect ** .... the argument proposes few measures that need to be undertaken to solve this problem ..

Content is fine.. but usage of sentence and grammar is not good.
Intern
Joined: 24 May 2013
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Kudos [?]: 24 [0], given: 16

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28 Aug 2013, 06:27
Please score it.... Is it worthy of a 4??

Posted from my mobile device
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Kudos [?]: 24 [0], given: 16

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28 Aug 2013, 06:27
Please score it.... Is it worthy of a 4??

Posted from my mobile device

Posted from my mobile device
Intern
Joined: 24 May 2013
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Kudos [?]: 24 [0], given: 16

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28 Aug 2013, 06:28
Dear kapeliteacher

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Kaplan GMAT Instructor
Joined: 25 Aug 2009
Posts: 644
Location: Cambridge, MA
Followers: 83

Kudos [?]: 276 [0], given: 2

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28 Aug 2013, 10:45
akijuneja wrote:
Dear kapeliteacher

Posted from my mobile device
Hi akujuneja,

You've posted a few essays recently, and while they have been improving a little bit, you're still making some of the same errors over and over again. What resources are you working from to help improve your writing? Are you studying from any guides like the Kaplan Premier book? It will be much easier for you to self-evaluate your scores if you have good samples to work with, and some of the guides on grammar and proper logical organization will give you much more help than I can offer with a few sentences of advice on a message board.

Let me know, and best of luck prepping!
_________________

Eli Meyer
Kaplan Teacher
http://www.kaptest.com/GMAT

Prepare with Kaplan and save \$150 on a course!

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Intern
Joined: 24 May 2013
Posts: 31
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Kudos [?]: 24 [0], given: 16

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30 Aug 2013, 02:25
KapTeacherEli wrote:
akijuneja wrote:
Dear kapeliteacher

Posted from my mobile device
Hi akujuneja,

You've posted a few essays recently, and while they have been improving a little bit, you're still making some of the same errors over and over again. What resources are you working from to help improve your writing? Are you studying from any guides like the Kaplan Premier book? It will be much easier for you to self-evaluate your scores if you have good samples to work with, and some of the guides on grammar and proper logical organization will give you much more help than I can offer with a few sentences of advice on a message board.

Let me know, and best of luck prepping!

Dear Sir
I am preparing from Kaplan premier 2012, i have tried several attempts. Can you please review this post for me and provide your valuable feedback.
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