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Please rate my AWA

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Joined: 11 Aug 2012
Posts: 137
Schools: HBS '16, Stanford '16
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Kudos [?]: 30 [0], given: 16

Please rate my AWA [#permalink] New post 07 Sep 2013, 08:42
The following appeared in the editorial section of a newspaper:

"As public concern over drug abuse has increased, authorities have become more vigilant in their efforts to prevent illegal drugs from entering the country. Many drug traffickers have consequently switched from marijuana, which is bulky, or heroin, which has a market too small to justify the risk of severe punishment, to cocaine. Thus enforcement effots have ironically resulted in an observed increase in the illegal use of cocaine."

Quote:
The argument claims that the efforts of authorities to prevent illegal drugs from entering the country have ironically resulted in increasing the illegal trade of cocaine. However, the argument makes unwarranted assumptions, and it doesn’t provide enough information to support some of its premises. In other words, the argument has several flaws that are going to be discussed next.

First, the argument readily assumes that there is a causal relationship between the authorities efforts and the increased traffic of cocaine. Maybe there is an alternative explanation. For instance, we could imagine that the increased sales of cocaine are result of a higher price of that drug, so criminals are focusing their efforts in selling more that drug. In this sense, the author must provide information able to eliminate alternative explanations to make more solid the argument.

Second, the argument also indicates that the authorities efforts have made drug traffickers to reduce the trade of marijuana and heroin. Again, that is a claim that lacks of enough evidence. Maybe the traffickers are selling less of these drugs because drug producers in foreign countries are having problems in processing those drugs because of a lack of raw material. Thus, if the author wants to make his or her argument more convincing, he or she has to provide more evidence about the possible causes of the reduced traffic of these illegal drugs.

Third, the author makes the unwarranted assumption that entering illegal drugs in the country is an important factor that explains how the drug trade behaves. Maybe most of the illegal drugs consumed in the country are not imported; perhaps the majority is produced locally. So, the author cannot conclude that preventing international traffic is a cause in the increased sales of heroine. Therefore, the author must show how representative are imported drugs in the market of illegal drugs.

In conclusion, the author makes assumptions without enough evidence, and he or she doesn´t provide enough information to support some of his or her premises. In this sense, the author must provide the data required in the paragraphs above.


Thanks!
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Joined: 17 Jun 2013
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Re: Please rate my AWA [#permalink] New post 08 Sep 2013, 21:03
Expert's post
this essay has all the main components necessary but lacks the complete analysis to get top scores. if your body paragraph introductions explained a little more than just saying your point, your score would be greatly improved. Also, avoid terms such as "will be discussed next" it is too informal for this type of essay. however, you have three good points and use good topic sentences. I would score this essay a 4 - 4.5
danzig wrote:
The following appeared in the editorial section of a newspaper:

"As public concern over drug abuse has increased, authorities have become more vigilant in their efforts to prevent illegal drugs from entering the country. Many drug traffickers have consequently switched from marijuana, which is bulky, or heroin, which has a market too small to justify the risk of severe punishment, to cocaine. Thus enforcement effots have ironically resulted in an observed increase in the illegal use of cocaine."

Quote:
The argument claims that the efforts of authorities to prevent illegal drugs from entering the country have ironically resulted in increasing the illegal trade of cocaine. However, the argument makes unwarranted assumptions, and it doesn’t provide enough information to support some of its premises. In other words, the argument has several flaws that are going to be discussed next.

First, the argument readily assumes that there is a causal relationship between the authorities efforts and the increased traffic of cocaine. Maybe there is an alternative explanation. For instance, we could imagine that the increased sales of cocaine are result of a higher price of that drug, so criminals are focusing their efforts in selling more that drug. In this sense, the author must provide information able to eliminate alternative explanations to make more solid the argument.

Second, the argument also indicates that the authorities efforts have made drug traffickers to reduce the trade of marijuana and heroin. Again, that is a claim that lacks of enough evidence. Maybe the traffickers are selling less of these drugs because drug producers in foreign countries are having problems in processing those drugs because of a lack of raw material. Thus, if the author wants to make his or her argument more convincing, he or she has to provide more evidence about the possible causes of the reduced traffic of these illegal drugs.

Third, the author makes the unwarranted assumption that entering illegal drugs in the country is an important factor that explains how the drug trade behaves. Maybe most of the illegal drugs consumed in the country are not imported; perhaps the majority is produced locally. So, the author cannot conclude that preventing international traffic is a cause in the increased sales of heroine. Therefore, the author must show how representative are imported drugs in the market of illegal drugs.

In conclusion, the author makes assumptions without enough evidence, and he or she doesn´t provide enough information to support some of his or her premises. In this sense, the author must provide the data required in the paragraphs above.


Thanks!

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Re: Please rate my AWA   [#permalink] 08 Sep 2013, 21:03
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