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Please rate my AWA

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Manager
Manager
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Joined: 22 Apr 2013
Posts: 95
Location: India
Concentration: Finance
GMAT 1: 660 Q48 V33
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 20 [0], given: 32

Please rate my AWA [#permalink] New post 18 Sep 2013, 18:14
The following appeared in a report presented for discussion at a meeting of the directors of a company that
manufactures parts for heavy machinery:

“The falling revenues that the company is experiencing coincide with delays in manufacturing. These delays, in turn,
are due in large part to poor planning in purchasing metals. Consider further that the manager of the department that
handles purchasing of raw materials has an excellent background in general business, psychology, and sociology,
but knows little about the properties of metals. The company should, therefore, move the purchasing manager to the
sales department and bring in a scientist from the research division to be manager of the purchasing department.”


In the passage, it is stated by the the author that as a result of falling revenues that the company is facing, the company should bring in a scientist as the manager of the purchasing department instead of the current manager. However, on a deeper analysis, it is evident that there are certain aspects that have not been taken into account, leading to a number of mistaken assumptions and logical flaws.

One such flaw is that the author mistakenly assumes that delays in manufacturing occurs only because of poor planning in purchasing metals. The quality of machinery, employee skill levels, the manufacturing processes are some of the factors that could lead to a delay in manufacturing, whereas poor planning could be one of the negligible factors that lead to delays. For example, if the manufacturing process is not up to the standards, there will be numerous delays in organization and adjusting to the faulty process of the company. In order to strengthen the argument, the author should analyze the day-to-day process at the company which will allow the author to pin point that the reasons why the delays are occurring based on observation and data that the author has gathered.

Another statement, significantly weakening the argument is that the author makes a general connection between the falling revenues and delays in manufacturing. The falling revenues could occur because of various other factors such as product quality, competition in the market, distribution of the product etc. If the company is lacking in any of the factors, it will most probably have a greater impact on revenues than delays in manufacturing. Delays in manufacturing could be one of the factors but not the only factor that leads to a decrease in revenues. To overcome this flaw, the argument should conduct a survey which asks feedback from potential customers about the product and what is the scope of improvement for the company.

The author also wrongly assumes that a scientist will make a better manager of the purchasing department because he/she has knowledge about the properties of metals. A scientist only has the knowledge about the properties, whereas the current manager would know how to negotiate on price, communicate with clients, supervise his/her employees, and sell the product. To manage a department, the manager would require all these skills apart from the knowledge of the properties of metals. To make this argument more valid, the author should hold a training session for the manager to educate him/her about the properties of metals. This way the manager can gain the needful knowledge about the metals along with the existing skills the manager has.

After closer examination of the passage presented, it is apparent that there are several flaws. The recommendation in the essay shows how the argument may be strengthened and made more logically sound.
1 KUDOS received
Manager
Manager
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Joined: 18 Sep 2013
Posts: 54
Location: India
Concentration: General Management, Strategy
GMAT 1: 680 Q46 V36
GPA: 3.95
WE: Information Technology (Computer Software)
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: -2 [1] , given: 8

Re: Please rate my AWA [#permalink] New post 18 Sep 2013, 21:34
1
This post received
KUDOS
Hi,

I would rate your passage to 4.
Some tips to improve :
1. You start the passage by saying : "In the passage, it is stated by the the author that as"
You can start it instead by saying : "In the above argument, the author claims that"
2. Try to write the passage in 3rd person.
3. You start the second passage by : one such example
Please try to de-couple your paragraphs. They should be connected, but independent.
4. Try to include some relevant examples.

Please press KUDOS if my post helped !!
Good luck :)
Expert Post
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User avatar
Joined: 17 Jun 2013
Posts: 163
Followers: 112

Kudos [?]: 157 [0], given: 0

Re: Please rate my AWA [#permalink] New post 19 Sep 2013, 09:18
Expert's post
I would give this essay a 4 or 4.5. The organization is sound and your points are good. Each point could be more explained if you have time as the explanation reads as rather rushed. The main problem with this essay is the incorrect use of idioms and grammar. For instance, in your second paragraph you use delays as the subject and occurs as the verb - this is incorrect agreement as the plural of occur is occur. It is a common error to think the plural of verbs have an s, most of the time they do not. also the introduction and conclusion are fairly cursory and since this argument lends itself to a template, you might be better off pre-writing both paragraphs with areas to fill in the specifics from the argument.
akashb106 wrote:
The following appeared in a report presented for discussion at a meeting of the directors of a company that
manufactures parts for heavy machinery:

“The falling revenues that the company is experiencing coincide with delays in manufacturing. These delays, in turn,
are due in large part to poor planning in purchasing metals. Consider further that the manager of the department that
handles purchasing of raw materials has an excellent background in general business, psychology, and sociology,
but knows little about the properties of metals. The company should, therefore, move the purchasing manager to the
sales department and bring in a scientist from the research division to be manager of the purchasing department.”


In the passage, it is stated by the the author that as a result of falling revenues that the company is facing, the company should bring in a scientist as the manager of the purchasing department instead of the current manager. However, on a deeper analysis, it is evident that there are certain aspects that have not been taken into account, leading to a number of mistaken assumptions and logical flaws.

One such flaw is that the author mistakenly assumes that delays in manufacturing occurs only because of poor planning in purchasing metals. The quality of machinery, employee skill levels, the manufacturing processes are some of the factors that could lead to a delay in manufacturing, whereas poor planning could be one of the negligible factors that lead to delays. For example, if the manufacturing process is not up to the standards, there will be numerous delays in organization and adjusting to the faulty process of the company. In order to strengthen the argument, the author should analyze the day-to-day process at the company which will allow the author to pin point that the reasons why the delays are occurring based on observation and data that the author has gathered.

Another statement, significantly weakening the argument is that the author makes a general connection between the falling revenues and delays in manufacturing. The falling revenues could occur because of various other factors such as product quality, competition in the market, distribution of the product etc. If the company is lacking in any of the factors, it will most probably have a greater impact on revenues than delays in manufacturing. Delays in manufacturing could be one of the factors but not the only factor that leads to a decrease in revenues. To overcome this flaw, the argument should conduct a survey which asks feedback from potential customers about the product and what is the scope of improvement for the company.

The author also wrongly assumes that a scientist will make a better manager of the purchasing department because he/she has knowledge about the properties of metals. A scientist only has the knowledge about the properties, whereas the current manager would know how to negotiate on price, communicate with clients, supervise his/her employees, and sell the product. To manage a department, the manager would require all these skills apart from the knowledge of the properties of metals. To make this argument more valid, the author should hold a training session for the manager to educate him/her about the properties of metals. This way the manager can gain the needful knowledge about the metals along with the existing skills the manager has.

After closer examination of the passage presented, it is apparent that there are several flaws. The recommendation in the essay shows how the argument may be strengthened and made more logically sound.

_________________

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Manager
Manager
avatar
Joined: 22 Apr 2013
Posts: 95
Location: India
Concentration: Finance
GMAT 1: 660 Q48 V33
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 20 [0], given: 32

Re: Please rate my AWA [#permalink] New post 19 Sep 2013, 19:31
Thanks guys for your valuable feedback. I am sure with the feedback i will be able to improve my score further.
Re: Please rate my AWA   [#permalink] 19 Sep 2013, 19:31
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