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Please rate my AWA

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Manager
Manager
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Joined: 22 Apr 2013
Posts: 95
Location: India
Concentration: Finance
GMAT 1: 660 Q48 V33
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 29 [0], given: 32

Please rate my AWA [#permalink] New post 27 Sep 2013, 22:12
Hi,

It would be really helpful if someone can please grade my essay.

Much Appreciated.


The following appeared in the editorial section of a local newspaper:

“In the first four years that Montoya has served as mayor of the city of San Perdito, the population has decreased and
the unemployment rate has increased. Two businesses have closed for each new business that has opened. Under
Varro, who served as mayor for four years before Montoya, the unemployment rate decreased and the population
increased. Clearly, the residents of San Perdito would be best served if they voted Montoya out of office and
reelected Varro.”

Discuss how well reasoned . . . etc.

Answer:

The author of the argument claims that residents of San Perdito would be best served if they reelect Varro as mayor of the city. This claim is based on the facts that the first four years Montoya served as mayor of San Perdito, the population decreased and the unemployment rate increased. Compared with when Varro served as mayor before Montoya, the unemployment rate decreased and the population increased. However on a deeper analysis, it is evident that there are certain relevant aspects that have not been taken into account, leading to a number of mistaken assumptions and logical flaws.

One such flaw is that the author mistakenly assumes that unemployment rate and population are the only two factors that residents of San Perdito take into account when they vote for the mayor. The author has not taken other factors such as welfare programs, infrastructure and health care policies that affect the residents directly than the population or unemployment rate of the city. Montoya, could be focusing on improving the standard of living of the city by providing such benefits to the people rather on focusing on the population growth and unemployment rate. If under Varro, the unemployment rate has decreased then Montoya perhaps decided there are other areas that San Pedrito needs improvement. In order to strengthen the argument, the author should conduct a survey to know the position of the residents of San Pedrito.

Another statement, significantly weakening the argument is the author provides no statistics on the unemployment rate and population growth rate before and after the tenure of both Varro and Montoya. For example, if the unemployment rate at the time Varro was mayor was 15%, and it decreased to 10%. But when Montoya was mayor from 10% the unemployment rate increased to 11%. This would indicate that there is only a negligible increase in the unemployment rate. The same scenario perhaps occurred with population growth of San Pedrito. If such is the case then the argument holds invalid. To overcome this flaw, the author should provide statistics about the unemployment rate and population growth rate so that a comparison can be made.

The author also wrongly assumes that the conditions of the economy were the same as reigns of both mayors. The argument does not hold and is an assumption made without any information to support the argument. For example, when Montoya was mayor, perhaps there was a world recession at the time and the unemployment rate is high throughout the world compared to previous years. That could be the reason why there are more businesses that are closing than opening during the first 4 years of when Montoya was a mayor. To make this argument more valid, the author should analyze the conditions and the trend of the economy during the time when both Montoya and Varro were mayor.

After closer examination of the passage presented, it is apparent that there are several logical flaws in the author's attempt to show that the residents of San Perdito would be best served if they voted Montoya out of office and reelected Varro. The recommendations in the essay show how the argument may be strengthened and logically sound.
Expert Post
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Joined: 01 Jul 2013
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Kudos [?]: 23 [0], given: 0

Re: Please rate my AWA [#permalink] New post 28 Sep 2013, 17:52
Expert's post
I think this is really nice... It's definitely at least a 4.5. I'd love to see the intro and conclusion paragraphs to be a bit longer.

Hope this helps.
_________________


Brian Lange | Manhattan GMAT Instructor | North Carolina


Manhattan GMAT Discount | Manhattan GMAT Course Reviews | View Instructor Profile

Manager
Manager
avatar
Joined: 22 Apr 2013
Posts: 95
Location: India
Concentration: Finance
GMAT 1: 660 Q48 V33
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 29 [0], given: 32

Re: Please rate my AWA [#permalink] New post 30 Sep 2013, 20:59
Thank you so much. I will definitely try and make the intro and conclusion longer.

I am sure this will help me increase my score on the essay.

Thanks.
Expert Post
Manhattan GMAT Instructor
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Joined: 01 Jul 2013
Posts: 197
Followers: 6

Kudos [?]: 23 [0], given: 0

Re: Please rate my AWA [#permalink] New post 26 Oct 2013, 18:14
Expert's post
Glad you found the advice helpful. Best of luck on the big exam!

-Brian
_________________


Brian Lange | Manhattan GMAT Instructor | North Carolina


Manhattan GMAT Discount | Manhattan GMAT Course Reviews | View Instructor Profile

Re: Please rate my AWA   [#permalink] 26 Oct 2013, 18:14
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