Please rate my awa : Analytical Writing Assessment (AWA)
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Please rate my awa

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Author Message
Intern
Joined: 17 Oct 2013
Posts: 40
Schools: HEC '14
GMAT Date: 02-04-2014
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 13 [0], given: 21

Please rate my awa [#permalink]

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01 Feb 2014, 01:54
Please tell me where i can improve

Question
The following appeared in a memo from the regional manager of Luxe Spa, a chain of high-end salons.

Over 75% of households in Parksboro have Jacuzzi bathtubs. In addition, the average family income in Parksboro is 50 % higher than the national average, and a local store reports record-high sales of the most costly brands of hair and body care products. With so much being spent on personal care, Parksboro will be a profitable location for new Luxe Spa - a Salon that offers premium serivces at prices that are above average.

My response

The above mentioned argument asserting that Parksboro will be a profitable location for Luxe spa appears in its first glance to be coherent and fairly convincing. To support the conclusion, various evidences such as details about sales of body care products and average family income statistics of the city compared to national average are provided. But upon careful examination of the argument and its underlying structure one can neither take the argument nor the conclusion seriously. The author has made several unwarranted assumptions and used weak evidences to draw a strong conclusion.
Firstly, parksboro will be the profitable location for Luxe spa is based on the questionable assumption that Luxe spa is a successful firm in the industry it works. The profitability of Luxe spa depends not only on its popularity and success in the industry but also on the competitors present in the city. Furthermore it is mentioned that the prices at the Luke spa are above average. Therefore it is very difficult to draw a conclusion without the information regarding its competitors.
Secondly, the author assumes that higher income people will tend to spend their money on body care products. The evidence that 75% of households have Jacuzzi bathtubs is not sufficient that the people tend to spend the money on beauty care products and services. The question whether the higher income people are effectively higher income people arises if the cost of living in Parksboro is more than the national average. Given no information about the cost of living the city and the preferences of people in the city, it is very difficult to draw conclusion
Finally, the author states that there are record high sales of hair and body care products in the city. This does not mean that there is an increasing trend in the sales or even that there is an overwhelming sales. For instance, if the sales in the previous years are as low as negligible, then record high sales may be just above the negligible sales. Hence without providing the information regarding the previous statistics of sales, there is high possibility that the phrase ‘record high sales’ may exaggerate the meaning and mislead the argument.
In sum, the argument, as it stands alone, is flawed. It could be strengthened if author provides more information about the Luxe spa and its competitors in the city and more information about the previous sales.
Manager
Joined: 11 Jan 2014
Posts: 98
Concentration: Finance, Statistics
GMAT Date: 03-04-2014
GPA: 3.77
WE: Analyst (Retail Banking)
Followers: 2

Kudos [?]: 53 [1] , given: 11

Re: Please rate my awa [#permalink]

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01 Feb 2014, 05:04
1
This post received
KUDOS
The above mentioned argument asserting that Parksboro will be a profitable location for Luxe spa appears in itsto be coherent and fairly convincing at first glance . To support the conclusion, various evidences such as details about sales of body care products and average family income statistics of the city compared to national average are provided. But upon careful examination of the argument and its underlying structure one can neither take the argument nor the conclusion seriously. The author has made several unwarranted assumptions and used weak evidences to draw a strong conclusion.
Firstly, the fact that parksboro (missed punctuation) will be the profitable location for Luxe spa is based on the questionable assumption that Luxe spa is a successful firm in the industry where it works. The profitability of Luxe spa depends not only on its popularity and success in the industry but also on the competitors' presence in the city. Furthermore, (missed a coma) it is mentioned that the prices at the Luke spa are above average, therefore it is very difficult to draw a conclusion without the information regarding its competitors.
Secondly, the author assumes that higher income people will tend tend to spend their money on body care products. The evidence that 75% of households have Jacuzzi bathtubs is not sufficient that the to prove that people tend to spend the money on beauty care products and services. The question whether the higher income people are effectively higher income people arises if the cost of living in Parksboro is more than the national average.Given no information about the cost of livingin the city and the preferences of people in the city; it is very difficult to draw conclusion.
Finally, the author states that there are record high sales of hair and body care products in the city; this does not mean that there is an increasing trend in the sales or even that there is an overwhelming sales. For instance, if thesales in the previous years are as low as negligible, then record high sales may be just above the negligible sales. Hence without providing the information regarding the previous statistics of sales, there is a high possibility that the phrase ‘record high sales’ may exaggerate the meaning and mislead the argument.
In sum, the argument, as it stands alone, is flawed. It could be strengthened if the author provides more information aboutthe Luxe spa and its competitors in the city and more information aboutthe previous sales.

--

I couldn't understand the sentence written in blue. And, as far as I know, you can have evidence, pieces of evidence, but you can't have "evidences", because it is uncountable.
Intern
Joined: 17 Oct 2013
Posts: 40
Schools: HEC '14
GMAT Date: 02-04-2014
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 13 [0], given: 21

Re: Please rate my awa [#permalink]

Show Tags

01 Feb 2014, 07:12
Abdul29 wrote:
The above mentioned argument asserting that Parksboro will be a profitable location for Luxe spa appears in itsto be coherent and fairly convincing at first glance . To support the conclusion, various evidences such as details about sales of body care products and average family income statistics of the city compared to national average are provided. But upon careful examination of the argument and its underlying structure one can neither take the argument nor the conclusion seriously. The author has made several unwarranted assumptions and used weak evidences to draw a strong conclusion.
Firstly, the fact that parksboro (missed punctuation) will be the profitable location for Luxe spa is based on the questionable assumption that Luxe spa is a successful firm in the industry where it works. The profitability of Luxe spa depends not only on its popularity and success in the industry but also on the competitors' presence in the city. Furthermore, (missed a coma) it is mentioned that the prices at the Luke spa are above average, therefore it is very difficult to draw a conclusion without the information regarding its competitors.
Secondly, the author assumes that higher income people will tend tend to spend their money on body care products. The evidence that 75% of households have Jacuzzi bathtubs is not sufficient that the to prove that people tend to spend the money on beauty care products and services. The question whether the higher income people are effectively higher income people arises if the cost of living in Parksboro is more than the national average.Given no information about the cost of livingin the city and the preferences of people in the city; it is very difficult to draw conclusion.
Finally, the author states that there are record high sales of hair and body care products in the city; this does not mean that there is an increasing trend in the sales or even that there is an overwhelming sales. For instance, if thesales in the previous years are as low as negligible, then record high sales may be just above the negligible sales. Hence without providing the information regarding the previous statistics of sales, there is a high possibility that the phrase ‘record high sales’ may exaggerate the meaning and mislead the argument.
In sum, the argument, as it stands alone, is flawed. It could be strengthened if the author provides more information aboutthe Luxe spa and its competitors in the city and more information aboutthe previous sales.

--

I couldn't understand the sentence written in blue. And, as far as I know, you can have evidence, pieces of evidence, but you can't have "evidences", because it is uncountable.

the blue line: i wrote the sentence to convey : if the cost of living in the city is greater than national average cost of living, then higher income people will not be effectively higher income people coz of higher expenses. Anyway, i got to know that i didn't convey it properly.

Thank you Abdul29, from this i have learnt that i have to do a lot in this section to improve.
Thanks again and sorry,I can not give you anything except kudos

By the way, looking at this i am expecting a 3! Is that still more?
coz i am just aiming to cross that 4.5 and not desiring for 6...
Manager
Joined: 11 Jan 2014
Posts: 98
Concentration: Finance, Statistics
GMAT Date: 03-04-2014
GPA: 3.77
WE: Analyst (Retail Banking)
Followers: 2

Kudos [?]: 53 [0], given: 11

Re: Please rate my awa [#permalink]

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01 Feb 2014, 07:24
While I cannot pinpoint an exact number; I often read (although not 100% sure) that non-native test takers are judged less strictly in AWA than native speakers. Of course, this is something that you cannot afford to rely on.

Your writing skills are decent, however, like you mentioned, there still is a room for improvement. For example, you can increase your score without any extra effort, just by focusing on punctuation.
Re: Please rate my awa   [#permalink] 01 Feb 2014, 07:24
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