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Please rate my AWA. Many thanks!

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Please rate my AWA. Many thanks! [#permalink] New post 31 Mar 2014, 18:28
Analysis of an Issue (Mcgraw Hill Practice Test 4)

Directions: In this section, you will need to analyze the issue presented and explain your views on it. There is no "correct" answer. Instead, you should consider various perspectives as you develop your own position on the issue.


"Since unhealthy people increase health-care costs for all of society, society should impose greater penalties on those people who voluntarily indulge in unheathly activities, such as smoking, excessive drinking, or overeating." Discuss the extent to which you agree or disagree with the opinion stated above. Support your view with reasons and/or examples from your down experiences, observations, or reading.



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Time taken: 27 mins (I thought I would overshot)

The topic raised is regarding the rise of health-care costs for the society as a whole. Per argument, it is attributing to unhealthy people - people who voluntarily indulge in unheathly activities, such as smoking, excessive drinking, or overeating. The argument suggested imposing greater penalties on these people since they caused the rise of health-care costs. To a large extent, I would disagree with the argument for there are several factors which could cause the rise to health-care costs that are overlooked.

To begin with, author has no evidence to prove that the rise of health-care costs are attributable largely to the unhealthy people. To examine this factor, it is necessary to investigate as to where the health-care costs are arising from. It could largely be pertaining to the country's demographics, for instance a large growing population of elderly and thus contributing to a rise in health-care costs as more funds are required to siphone for subsidies or improving health-care facilities for the elderly.

Next, presumably if it is true that the rise of health-care costs are attributable to people who indulge in unhealthy activities, by imposing greater penalties is not the right remedy to the root of the problem. Smoking, excessive drinking, or overeating is generally lifestyle malfunction. People could be indulging in these activities due to social factors such as stress, tempting commerical ads or peer pressure. Society should promote and encourage healthy lifestyle habits to the people so that they can reform their daily lives. Tempting commercial advertisements that intrigue excessive eating or drinking should be reduced. Not to mention, since healthcare costs are already on the high, unhealthy people would be least affected even if greater penalties are imposed.

To sum up, the issue to rise of health-care costs attributing to unhealthy people cannot be substantiated without examining further on the root cause of the problem. And thus, the imposing heavier penalties would not stop the problem from aggravating.
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Re: Please rate my AWA. Many thanks! [#permalink] New post 01 Apr 2014, 23:20
Hi,

First off, the GMAT no longer consists of an issue essay and argument essay; you will only need to write an argument essay critiquing an existing argument. So the prompt you are practicing with (an issue essay prompt) and the type of essay you are being asked to write is not like the actual essay you will be asked to write when you take the official exam. You need to practice writing a critique of an existing argument and you should be practicing with the official argument topics that you can find on this forum or the GMAC website.

Secondly, while you make two strong points in your body paragraphs and your essay shows strong reasoning, there are numerous grammatical problems that interfere with the clarity of your writing. The second sentence of your introduction is an incomplete sentence and quite unclear, in part because you are not using "attributing" properly here (and elsewhere). When you write "Per argument, it is attributing to unhealthy people....," it is not clear what "it" refers to, nor is it clear what is being attributed to unhealthy people (you leave off the tail end of the sentence. You need to either say "The argument attributes rising health costs to unhealthy people" or "Per the argument, rising health costs are attributable to unhealthy people, such as those who...." Aside from this incomplete sentence, there is another incomplete sentence, a run-on sentence, modification errors, errors in the use of articles and prepositions, and problematic word choice.

These errors, coupled with the shorter length of your essay, seriously undercut your strengths. You should try to have at least 3 body paragraphs and to come close to 500 words. Overall, I would your essay a 3.5 to 4.
_________________

Susan Feldman, Ph.D.
GMAT AWA & Verbal Tutor
Admission Essay Coach
Peak Performance Test Prep

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Re: Please rate my AWA. Many thanks! [#permalink] New post 02 Apr 2014, 03:26
Oh dear :shock: how can I improve my AWA?
Re: Please rate my AWA. Many thanks!   [#permalink] 02 Apr 2014, 03:26
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