This essay is actually really strong! Maybe a 5?
1) What ARE the relevant facts you wish were mentioned? Give examples and say how they would strengthen it.
2) My question about it is whether they are at the right schools. Maybe no one from those schools cares about Zephyr's field.
3) Where is your concluding paragraph?
According to the examples I've read that are 6's, most are longer. Length obviously doesn't make up for quality, but longer responses usually include more detailed reasoning and examples.
Blogging about the MBA application process. Because I need to do something with all this bschool energy.
http://www.mybreakaway.com/ Recent post: September 20, "Transitions"
Yale School of Management MBA Candidate, 2015.