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# Please rate my AWA - Third attempt.

Author Message
Manager
Joined: 15 Apr 2013
Posts: 61
GMAT 1: 570 Q44 V25
GPA: 3
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Kudos [?]: 21 [1] , given: 43

Please rate my AWA - Third attempt. [#permalink]  02 Oct 2013, 04:57
1
KUDOS
“To reverse the deterioration of the postal service, the government should raise the price of postage stamps. This solution will no doubt prove effective, since the price increase will generate larger revenues and will also reduce the volume of mail, thereby eliminating the strain on the existing system and contributing to improved morale.”
Discuss how well reasoned... etc.

In the passage above the author claims that increasing the price of postage stamps will reverse the deterioration of postal service. However on a deeper analysis, it becomes evident that certain important and relevant aspects have not been taken into consideration, leading to a number of mistaken assumptions and logical flaws.

One such flaw is the author's claim that raising the price of postage stamps will generate larger revenues. This statement is a stretch as the author has not supported it with any data. The rise in prices of postage stamps will result in larger revenues only if there is an increase in the sales of postage stamps. The author has also not taken into consideration various other factors which will affect the sale of postage stamps. The author has not provided any data about the factors that affect the sales of postage stamps. For example, if the current price of postage stamps is $1 per unit and current sale is 100 units per month. If the price of postage stamps is increased to$1.5 per unit but because of newer and faster ways of communication like emails and instant messaging, sending traditional mails becomes less popular it will result in a decline of sales of postage stamps and the sale comes down to 50 units per month, the total revenue will decrease. The argument could have been much clearer if the author gave data regarding the factors that affect the sale of postage stamp apart from its price.

The author claims that increasing the price of postage stamps will reduce the deterioration of the postal service. This is again a very weak and unsupported statement as it assumes that no other action will result in reducing the deterioration of the postal service. The author fails to take into account other factors that might contribute towards upliftment of the postal service. For example, there might be certain cost cutting measures that could give the same result. To overcome this flaw the author should provide evidence to substantiate the assumption that an increase in the price of postage stamps will will reduce the deterioration of the postal service.

The author also wrongly concludes that increasing the price of postage stamps will result in reducing the volume of mail, thereby eliminating the strain on the existing system and contributing to improved morale. The flaw in this assumption is that morale of the employees may be improved by several other means like better working conditions, better training, improved salaries, better growth path in the organization etc. On the other hand, it is possible that a decrease in mail volume may result in downsizing of the workforce which will demoralize the employees more rather than improving their morale. To make this argument more valid the author should establish a justified relationship between increase in the price of postal stamps and improved employee morale.

In conclusion, the argument is flawed for the above mentioned reasons and is therefore unconvincing. It could be considerably strengthened if the author mentions all the relevant factors that lead to reverse deterioration of the postal service. In order to assess the merit of a particular situation it is essential to have full knowledge of all the contributing factors. In this particular case, factors affecting sales of postage stamps, factors contributing towards the upliftment of postal service and employee morale. Without this information the argument remains unsubstantiated and open to debate.
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Status: It always seems impossible until it's done!!
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Location: India
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Kudos [?]: 513 [1] , given: 156

Re: Please rate my AWA - Third attempt. [#permalink]  02 Oct 2013, 08:23
1
KUDOS
Expert's post
Hi,

The essay looks pretty good and solid. I would rate it 5...

The length of essay is in normal range of rating 5 and 6. You have attacked the few important flaws in the argument. It is better.

What i felt was intro can be more stronger. That's it.

See few 6 or 5.5 rated essays and you will get the idea

Hope it helps All the best
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Manager
Joined: 15 Apr 2013
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GMAT 1: 570 Q44 V25
GPA: 3
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Kudos [?]: 21 [0], given: 43

Re: Please rate my AWA - Third attempt. [#permalink]  02 Oct 2013, 08:30
Thanks a ton! Your feedback is much appreciated. What do you feel about the paraphrasing and structuring of sentences? Any major flaws? Thanks again!
Moderator
Status: It always seems impossible until it's done!!
Joined: 29 Aug 2012
Posts: 533
Location: India
Followers: 35

Kudos [?]: 513 [1] , given: 156

Re: Please rate my AWA - Third attempt. [#permalink]  02 Oct 2013, 08:54
1
KUDOS
Expert's post
KanupriyaS wrote:
Thanks a ton! Your feedback is much appreciated. What do you feel about the paraphrasing and structuring of sentences? Any major flaws? Thanks again!

The Structure is good.

With 1st targeting the premises. and then going on with assumptions. Finally stating how to improve the argument. and good conclusion.

As i said intro can be more better.
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Manager
Joined: 15 Apr 2013
Posts: 61
GMAT 1: 570 Q44 V25
GPA: 3
Followers: 0

Kudos [?]: 21 [0], given: 43

Re: Please rate my AWA - Third attempt. [#permalink]  02 Oct 2013, 10:14
Okay. I'm sure your inputs will help. Thanks!
Re: Please rate my AWA - Third attempt.   [#permalink] 02 Oct 2013, 10:14
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