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Please review my essay

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Please review my essay [#permalink] New post 21 Nov 2012, 06:55
I am new for this forum. I am preparing for toefl. Please rate my essay out of 5.
Topic:You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which do you prefer? Use specific reason to support your answer.
Answer:If I have a choice to select either a house or a business, I will choose a business to buy. Both a house and a business are one kind of investment but I like to invest money in a business.To invest money in a business is more prolific than investing it on a house.
In a business, we can get money faster than any other things like house. I agree that prices of real estates increase day by day, but it is because of inflation. This inflation would be stopped in future and then, rising in a price of houses would be stopped and may be followed by falling of the prices. In a business, the things are different. The profit depends on how we work and manage it to get more production. It does not depend on inflation. By working hard, we can get more money through the business.
Eventhough, there is a risk of lose in a business, it is a good source to get money. We have to take risks many times in our lives, and many times we get benefits by taking the risks. If I work hard and organize my business very well, I would be succeed in that. I would get more money through which I would buy a new house and many other things like a car.
The other reason to invest money in a business is personal. I personally do not like to work under anyone. If I have my own business, I will make my own rules. I do not have to follow someone’s instructions. I am a good instructor and I would supervise and organize my business very well, if I get a chance.
In conclusion, If I get a chance, I would like to invest the money in a business. I think that it would be more prolific than a house for me.
Thank you

Last edited by kenal on 26 Nov 2012, 07:34, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Please rate my essay [#permalink] New post 22 Nov 2012, 05:34
Please rate my essay out of 5 as in TOEFL.
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Re: Please review my essay [#permalink] New post 30 Nov 2012, 09:26
Your essay needs organization. You've got some good ideas here, but they are not present too well and are a bit jumbled up. It won't take too much to improve your organization. You've got an introduction, three body paragraphs and a conclusion. That's all you need... but they need to be presented in an easier to follow way.

Try beginning each body paragraph with a transitional phrase like "firstly," "second" and "third." This sounds simple, but it works.

Meanwhile, try expanding both your introduction and conclusion a bit. Use your introduction to introduce your reasons. You can include one sentence to introduce each reason and not feel that you're being too repetitive. It will help. You can even repeat yourself a bit in the conclusion. That's not a bad thing to do.

Finally, your essay is a bit short. Try for at least 350 words. And if you are going to write a short essay (300 to 350 words) try just including TWO body paragraphs. You need to support each reason you give with good details and examples. Three hundred fifty words or less might not be enough to fully support three reasons.

Hope this helps a bit!



kinjalpatel wrote:
I am new for this forum. I am preparing for toefl. Please rate my essay out of 5.
Topic:You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business. Which do you prefer? Use specific reason to support your answer.
Answer:If I have a choice to select either a house or a business, I will choose a business to buy. Both a house and a business are one kind of investment but I like to invest money in a business.To invest money in a business is more prolific than investing it on a house.
In a business, we can get money faster than any other things like house. I agree that prices of real estates increase day by day, but it is because of inflation. This inflation would be stopped in future and then, rising in a price of houses would be stopped and may be followed by falling of the prices. In a business, the things are different. The profit depends on how we work and manage it to get more production. It does not depend on inflation. By working hard, we can get more money through the business.
Eventhough, there is a risk of lose in a business, it is a good source to get money. We have to take risks many times in our lives, and many times we get benefits by taking the risks. If I work hard and organize my business very well, I would be succeed in that. I would get more money through which I would buy a new house and many other things like a car.
The other reason to invest money in a business is personal. I personally do not like to work under anyone. If I have my own business, I will make my own rules. I do not have to follow someone’s instructions. I am a good instructor and I would supervise and organize my business very well, if I get a chance.
In conclusion, If I get a chance, I would like to invest the money in a business. I think that it would be more prolific than a house for me.
Thank you

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Re: Please review my essay [#permalink] New post 30 Nov 2012, 12:26
Thank you so much for your help. I will try to follow your instructions.
Re: Please review my essay   [#permalink] 30 Nov 2012, 12:26
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